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                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES

                                    Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin'

  Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" 
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." 
Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. 
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." 
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                      Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

  A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. 
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. 
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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                                          SATURDAY'S JOKES

                                       Bumper Sticker Sayings

 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!    

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                                         The corporate ladder

  A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son swaggers in. When he tells his father of his promotion and raise, the bartender calls for everyone's attention and announces that all drinks are on the house. When the blonde heard this, she ran outside and brought back a ladder. 
*************************************************************************************                                             SUNDAY'S JOKES

                                       MORE BUMPER STICKERS

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming &you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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                                          MONDAY'S JOKES

                                    I Hit Two of My Best Balls  

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did. 
"I hit two of my best balls," he said. 
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker. 
"I stepped on a rake."  

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                 Man Walks Into a Lawyer's Office...

 A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

“Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man.

The lawyer replied, “and what was your third question? 
*************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKE

                                      Signs You're Burned Out

 10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'

 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!'

 8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.

 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

 6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

 4. You sleep more at work than at home.

 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

 2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.

 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

 *************************************************************************************                                       WEDNESDAY'S JOKE

                                      Shoot The Pig

  A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?'' 
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." 
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. 
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

 *************************************************************************************
                                         THURSDAY'S JOKES

                                   Miseducation of Man and Woman

  ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime 

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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                                         How To Get A Raise

  A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?'' 
''In 3 months.'' 

****************************************************************************************************
                                          FRIDAY'S JOKE

                                     Carefully Placed Periods

 There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.
One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes. 
Unfortunately when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars. 
That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.
And the moral to this story is:"Guys can really get in trouble over missed periods." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                       ****************************************************************************************************
                                          SATURDAY'S JOKES

                                              Helisoft

  A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. 
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. 
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                        ****************************************************************************************************                                          SUNDAY'S JOKES

                                           Braggadocio

 Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. 
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday." 

                                          TUESDAY'S JOKE


                                         The Proxy Father

  The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." 
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' 
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. 
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' 
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. 
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' 
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' 
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' 
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. 
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' 
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. 
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. 
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. 
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' 
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. 
''Yes,'' the photographer said. 
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?'' 
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' 
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. 
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!'' 
**************************************************************************************

                                  WEDNESDAY'S JOKE


                                      If _____ Made Toasters

  If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. 
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. 
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. 
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. 
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. 
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. 
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. 
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. 
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. 
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. 
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box. 
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. 
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier. 
**************************************************************************************
                                         THURSDAY'S JOKES


                                       Microsoft in Detroit?

  At a recent computer expo (COMDE), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on theroad you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just acceptthis, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you wouldhave to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times asfast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, whichwould make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "generalcar fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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                                       Wanted: Dead Or Alive

  An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one." 

                                         THURSDAY'S JOKES


                                        Fishing for a Week

  A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. 
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                       Penis Requests a Raise

  I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis, 
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management 
*************************************************************************************
                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES


                                            The Raffle

  A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" 
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." 
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" 
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." 
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." 
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                       Husbands' Performance

  Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.'' 
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.'' 
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

 *************************************************************************************
                                          SATURDAY'S JOKES


                                              Lay off A company boss has to decide who to lay someone off. 
He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. 
He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off." 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                           It Ain't Surgery

 A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a 2-minute job, he demanded $75. 
"I don't charge this amount even though I'm a surgeon." 
"You're right -- that's why I switched from surgery to plumbing!" 
                                          ************************************************************************************                                                                                     SUNDAY'S JOKES


                            A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead ...

 A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, "What's wrong?"She says, "Well, my mom died." He told her to go home but she said, "No, I'll be fine." About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" And she says, "Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!"

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                                        The Chinese Workman

 A building contractor hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies. 
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks. 
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!" 

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                                          MONDAY'S JOKES

                                          Retired Marine

 A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do." 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                  Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day

 You wake up face down on the pavement.

 You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

 You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

 You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.

 Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

 You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

 You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

 Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

 You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

 Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

 Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

 Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

 The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

 You wake up and your braces are locked together.

 You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

 Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

 Your paycheck bounces.

 You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

 Your pet rock snaps at you.

 Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.

                                         SATURDAY'S JOKES


                                             Dictaphone

  A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?" 
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else." 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                        Bill Gates' Honeymoon

  After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                           Priestly Duties

  One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. 
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' 
''No, I guess not,'' says God. 
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. 
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' 
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

 *******************************************************************************************************                                         SUNDAY'S JOKES


                                            Dirty Tricks

  A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. 
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going. 
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked. 
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                                        Prison Carpenter

  Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. 
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. 
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.'' 

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                                          MONDAY'S JOKES


                                          The Hired Help

  An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.
The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you. 
The gay guy said, Okay.
So she said, Take my shoes off, so he did. 
She said, Take my stockings off, so he did. 
Then she said, Take my dress off, and he did. 
She said, Take my bra off, so he did.
Then she said, Take my panties off, so he did. 
Finally, she said, You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.

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                                      How To Sell Lawnmowers

     A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to thecounter.
    The customer put a bag ofgrass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plantthose seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut thatgrass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sureI'll take one."
    After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman thensaid, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
    The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said,"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"                                   ****************************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES


                                           Mountain Bike

  A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                        How to Sell a Bible

  Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. 
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?" 
The boy stood up and said, "35." 
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked. 
"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied. 
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them''' 
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                                         WEDNESDAY'S JOKES


                          People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

  1. Britney Spears & EminemWho, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America''s Oil CompaniesFor a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel SharonFor those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill GatesFor creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of MaximFor managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models. 
7. JaredOf the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer LopezWho, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound GuyWho always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. GlaxoWho has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces. 
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                                       Understanding Marketing

 You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing. 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising. 

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing. 

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations. 

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition. 

                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES


                                            Compliment

 A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
 I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
 His wife said, 'Thank you.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                            Big Boss Man

 When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. 
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." 
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. 
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! 
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do. 
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                                         WEDNESDAY'S JOKES


                                      A Blonde's Brain At Work 

 A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. 
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." 
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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                                          Fishing For a Sale

  A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesmanbefore?" 
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. 
The boss liked the cut of  him and said, "You canstart tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for theyoung man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,"How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the youngsalesman. 
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousanddollars," said the young man. 
"How did you manage that?" asked theflabbergasted boss. 
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I soldhim a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold hima small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was goingfishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, soI took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with thetwin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I tookhim to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and askedin astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" 
"No," answered the salesman"He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend'sshot, you may as well go fishing.'" 
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                                          THURSDAY'S JOKES


                                          Dog Day Afternoon

  A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" 
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?' 
The guy says, 'I said BAD DOG!' 
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                                          Saving Her Butt

  A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed." 
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                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES


                                     Microsoft and a Halter Top

  What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? 
Both offer very little support! 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                               Supposedly Intelligent Quotes

  Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn't have a problem with forest fires.“ George Bush  

 SATURDAY'S JOKES

                                 If Microsoft Was Looking for Drivers

 
 If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                                 Rules For Work

 1.  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.  I am psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12.  Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check youreceived for being such a good manager.

13.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

 *******************************************************************************************************                                                                                  SUNDAY'S JOKES 


                                         Dr. Doctor 

 Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." 
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." 
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. 
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." 
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds" 
"Analysis and Anal Cysts" 
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes" 
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: 
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

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              Why I Am So Tired  

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. 
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes. 

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                                          MONDAY'S JOKES

 
                                    Step Back, I Know First-Aid

 When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
 The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                   From the WordPerfect Help Desk

  This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the wordswent away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on thescreen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything Itype."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like aTV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where thepower cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it'splugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that therewere two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and findthe other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely intothe back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean wayover?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it'sbecause it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have iscoming in  from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up justlike it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."                                         ****************************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES
                                            Compliment

 A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
 I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
 His wife said, 'Thank you.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                            Big Boss Man

 When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. 

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." 
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. 
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! 
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do. 

 

                                         MONDAY'S JOKES
                                            Too Lazy 
 A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

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                                          Final Day

  It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."  **********************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES
                                           The New Guy

  The new hire calls in sick on Monday. And then the next Monday. And then the Monday after that.
His boss calls him into his office. “Do you plan on being sick every Monday? What the hell is going on?
The guy explains that every Monday he has to drop off his kids at his sisters house. She always gives him a cup of coffee. She sends the kids into the backyard. Her robe falls open revealing her luscious breasts. They spend the rest of the day making passionate love.
“That's sick, says the boss.
“Well, I told you I was sick, replies the new hire.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                    Hair Smell

  An office secretary stands by the water cooler taking a drink when a male co-worker stands in front of her and takes a deep long inhale and says, your hair smells great. The secretary says thank you and returns to her desk. This same situation occurs everyday for the next couple of weeks, so she finally makes a complaint to the office supervisor. She explains the situation and says she wants to file a report for sexual harassment.  The supervisor says I know this has been annoying but how can you claim sexual harassment? She says it's Keith the midget that's doing this.                                           *********************************************************************************
                                         WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
                                         Help Wanted

  The Government is looking to hire a new assassin, someone who can kill anyone for any reason. They go through a interview process with many applicants and finally narrow it down to three individuals, two men and one woman. They bring in the first man and tell him what they are looking for. The man tells them that he thinks he can handle it so they slide a gun across the table and tell him, your wife is in the next room, go and kill her. The man says that he cant do it so they bring in the next man and they tell him the exact same thing. This man picks up the gun and walks into the next room, only to return a few seconds later and tells him that he just cant do it. They tell him that its ok, but he just wasn't what they were looking for. A little discouraged they bring in the last applicant. They tell the woman the same thing and slide a gun across the table. The woman takes the gun and quickly disappears into the next room. The interviewers had their doubts but were suprised to hear two gun shots. The gun shots were followed by what seemed to be a struggle, followed by two or three blunt slams. The woman returns to the room where the interviewers are confused by the noises. What happened in there? they ask. THe woman calmly replies........... that damn gun you gave me had blanks in it, so I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair.

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                                          Somebody Important

  A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. 4 weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our Secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the Others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool...! For 4 weeks we've been eating supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!  
**********************************************************************************
                                          THURSDAY'S JOKES
                                      Writing's Powerful Message

 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make themscream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                     Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

 A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he hasjust taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with yoursecretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient." 
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed hereyes when you laid her down on the couch."

 ***********************************************************************************
                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES
                                        Inventions by Idiots

  1) Inflatable dart board.

 2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.

 3) A book on how to read.

 4) Solar-powered flashlight.

 5) Screen door on a submarine.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                  After Great Britain's Beer Festival...

  After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." 
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please." 
The bartender gives him one.
Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors." 
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"
The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." 

                                                                               WEDNESDAY'S JOKES


                                                                                  Japanese business

  Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!" 

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                                          Selling War insurance

  Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first? ****************************************************************************************************
                                          THURSDAY'S JOKE


                                        Lost in Translation

 
 The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."  ****************************************************************************************************
                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES


                                         Funny Store Signs 


1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

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                                         Fourth Husband

  A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."  ****************************************************************************************************
                                         SATURDAY'S JOKES


                                  10 responses to telemarketers

 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed forbankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm soglad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and Ihave all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashesare sore, my dog just died . . . "


3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them tospell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Thenask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,how many people work there, how they got into this line of workif they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continueasking them personal questions or questions about their companyfor as long as necessary.


4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my nameis Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second andwith a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"


5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, howhave you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few briefmoments of terror as she tries to figure out where she couldknow you from.


6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of eachone, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying tospeak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family andFriends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don'thave any friends, would you be my friend?"


8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"


9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or herto marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that youcan't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,and they can't sell to employees. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                        Boss in Trouble

  The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...."My lawyer."

 ****************************************************************************************************
                                        SUNDAY'S JOKES


                                          New Rules

  Dear Employee:


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.


This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.


SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.


SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.


Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

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                                   AND A SPECIAL ONE FOR THE LADIES


                                           Female Comebacks 


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?  


                                          MONDAY'S JOKES

 

                               You know your in trouble at work when... 

 
 ...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

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                                           Job Security Quiz 

 
 The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.  ****************************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES

 

                                          Day off of work

  So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                           Vice President of Peas 

 Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"  

                                           MONDAY'S JOKES


                                             Amish Man 


 Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!  
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                                            Snooping 


 Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis!  ****************************************************************************************************
                                           TUESDAY'S JOKES


                                               Now her

  At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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                                              IBM Employers 


 How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.  
****************************************************************************************************
                                            WEDNESDAY'S JOKES


                                                Cover Up

  Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

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                                                Conclusion 


 The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.  ****************************************************************************************************                                                            THURSDAY'S JOKES


                                             Actual HR Meanings 

 "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

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                                         How to Scare a Coworker

  1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

****************************************************************************************************
                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES

                                          Can I help you? 

 A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Millionaire's watching the Finals 

 What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA Finals?
The New York Knicks

 ****************************************************************************************************
                                           SATURDAY'S JOKES

                                  Resume Mistakes - Spelling errors 

 "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 Resume Mistakes - Reasons for leaving

                                   REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                          Resume Bloopers 

                                  These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." 

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