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MONDAY'S JOKES
Downtown
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to ''go downtown'' so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice ''Well, just what are you doing?"
She said ''I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Farmer Sutra
A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and said to her, ''Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?''
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, ''Oh yeah? Prove it.''
He frowns for a moment, and then replied, ''O.K.'' He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, ''Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Picking-up women in a night club ...
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, ''Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, ''No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.''
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Paddy and Colleen
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ''Did you get these marks having sex?''
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ''I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
A beautiful Flower
A man is giving his teenage son "the talk". After describing the more technical details of conception, he goes into describing the beauty of the female form. "And the best part," he says, "is like a beautiful flower. Before having sex, it has an intoxicating scent, soft beautiful folds, and overflowing with sweet nectar." He finishes with a wink.
"Ok" says the son, ''but you said that's before having sex. What's it like after?"
The dad replies, "Ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
A woman's revenge .. the drink ..
A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: ''OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"
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Greek vs. Irishman ..
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Prettiest Girl
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay,'' he says, ''how about a blow job?'' ''Yuck!'' she screams. ''I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, ''Well, then, how about a hand job?'' ''I've never done that,'' she says. ''What do I have to do?"
"Well,'' he answers, ''remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?'' She nods. ''Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!'' she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
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Sex Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed a small shoe shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ''Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, '' have some special sandals I tink you be interested in... Dey make you wild at de sex."
The wife got really interested, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, ''Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican started to scream out frantically ''You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet! ''
MONDAY'S JOKES
A personal question
A drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and said, ''Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?''
''Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over with.''
''Great. How many men have you had sex with?''
''That's my business!'' she snapped.
''Great! How much?'' he replied.
********************************************************************
TUESDAY'S JOKE
Two hookers standing on a corner
Two hookers standing on a street corner started discussing business. One of the hookers said, ''Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.'' The other hooker looked at her and said, ''Sorry No, I just burped.''
********************************************************************
WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Drinking with friends
A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than hell and wanted to know where he had been all night. He said, ''I have been bird watching!''
She said, ''Bull shit! What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??''
He said, ''A double-breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!''
********************************************************************
THURSDAY'S JOKE
S and M.
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says ''It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?''
Sally replies ''It's just great, ever since we got into S and M.''
Sue is aghast. ''Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.''
''Oh, sure,'' says Sally, ''He snores while I masturbate''.
********************************************************************
FRIDAY'S JOKE
Is Sex Work or Play
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: ''What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states,'' My son, sex is definitely play.'' The man replies,'' Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!'' The Rabbi softly speaks, ''If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."
********************************************************************
SATURDAY'S JOKES
She Took Her Troubles to a Psychiatrist
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. ''Doctor, you must help me,'' she pleaded. ''It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.''
"I see,'' nodded the psychiatrist. ''And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.''
"For God's sake, NO!'' exclaimed the woman. ''I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
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Warm and Inviting
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.
But first I decided to put ketchup on my burger. SHAME ON YOU, WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT?
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Undertaker
Grand, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?'' asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day,'' replies Grand.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see,'' says his wife. ''But how did you get the black eye?"
Grand replies, ''Wrong room!"
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Vaseline Survey
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
MONDAY'S JOKE
Little Johnny: The perfect cock
Johnny asked his dad, "daddy, whats a cock?" And dad says, "well, I will show you son." He proceeds to whip it out and proclaim "that son is a perfect cock."
Next day at school all Johnny's friends gather and ask "did you find out?"
Johnny says, "sure, let me show you" and proceeds to whip it out.
He says " this would be a perfect cock if it was 3 inches shorter."
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Mime
Little Johnny up to no good again ...
Little Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime, so she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny's turn came, he stood up in front of the class:
"Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)..." Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused, so she sent him to the Principal's office. Johnny explained what happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:
"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm)..."
Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again: "Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm), it gives me great pleasure (whacking-off motion)..."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Little Johnny and his sister
Johnny just had a baby sister. She kept crying all day long and was screaming up quite a storm, when Johnny asked his mom, "Mom, where did you get her, anyway?" Mom smiled and said, "She came from heaven, Johnny" "Oh Right!", Johnny said, "I can understand why they threw her out.
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Lil Johnny's unusual finger ....
"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled.
Little Johnny doesn't go, he walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teachercan I go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well I'm going to take a quickshower, you sit right here."
"Can I take a shower with you?" he asks.
"NO!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy!!"
"Well, okay, I guess so."
So, they're in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can I turn off thelights?"
"No!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy."
"Well, okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can I stick my finger in yourbelly button?"
"NO!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy."
"Well, okay" says the teacher.
"JOHNNY!!!! That's not my belly-button!" says the teacher.
"Yeah? That's not my finger either."
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Little Johnny
So Little Johnny walks into his classroom and he was late for class.
His teacher says "Why are you late?" Little Johnny says "Because i was on top of Blueberry Hill."
The next day another little boy comes in late and he was naked. The teacher says "Why are you naked and why are you late ?" The boy says "Because i was on top of Blueberry Hill. "
The next day a girl comes in and says "Hi, my name is Blueberrry Hill."
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LITTLE APRIL
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher tried to catch little April to see if she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When little April didn't stir Little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and saviour?"
But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said "Very good" and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty third child?"
Again Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F#%KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU'RE ASS!!"
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
I can only hope!
Nadine: Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?
Jill: Well, you know how parents are. My mother said,
''SO! Is this how it’s going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?''
Nadine: ''Typical! What did you tell her?''
Jill: I said, ''I can only hope mom! - I can only hope!''
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The honeymoon couple and the cabdriver
The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat. During the couple's moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, ''I take the next turn, right?''
''screw No, get your own woman,'' said the groom, ''this one's all mine!''
MONDAY'S JOKE
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Sexual Maturity
Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Heaven
Daddy is explaining to little Mary that her cat Piddles has died and gone to heaven. He then explains that the reason Piddles' legs are sticking up in the air is so that God can reach down and lift him up to heaven.
Little Mary tearfully nods her head and says goodbye to Piddles.
A few days later Mary's daddy comes home to find her crying again. "What is the matter now Mary?" daddy asks.
"Mummy nearly died today" explained Mary.
"I went into the bedroom to find mummy lying on the bed with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh God! Oh God! I'm coming, I'm coming" and if it wasn't for the milkman lying on top of her she would have gone".
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
A Little Johnny Groaner lol
teacher asks her class " if you didn't have skin what would you want your body to be covered in?" Little jimmy pipes up " gold miss, coz when i scratch myself i'll get a little pile of gold then one day i could buy a Porsche" "well done jimmy nicely thought"
Little bobby immediately goes one better..." platinum miss....coz its more expensive than gold and i would be able to get a Mercedes and a Porsche" "yes yes well done to you too bobby" said miss ...
Little johnny thinks for a minute then shouts out " pubic hair miss...coz my sister has got loads between her legs and you should see the motors outside her house"
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Little Johnny's at it again
Eight-year old little Johnny asked his mother the age-old question: "How did I get here?"
His mother told his, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for
200 years?
No wonder everyone's so grumpy around here."
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Sex Education
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
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What Johnny Wanted For Christmas
Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Little Johnny
Little Johnny goes to his dad and says:
Johnny: dad, can i ask you a question?Dad: Of course son what is it?Johnny: Well dad, is god a man or woman?DAD: Well son, god is both, he is man and womanJOHNNY: ok, and dad, is god black or white?DAD: Son, he is both, he is white and blackJOHNNY (with a puzzled expression): Dad, can i ask you one more question?DAD: Sure son, go for itJOHNNY: Dad, is Micheal Jackson God???
---------------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY AND GRANDMA
Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.The grandmother was curious. What trick is that my dear, she asked.
Little Johnny replied, I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again.
