Mashiara's blog: "2020 the unknown"

Today has been a really rough day for me. My heads been spinning and at times I feel like I can’t breathe and have a heavy weight on my chest. I just feel so helpless at times. It’s hard on me. My children have always called me Superwoman and Supermom. Nothing has ever stopped. But damn this Covid 19. It has taken so much from me. I don’t get to enjoy my lil people. I don’t get to hold them, hug them, or even share kisses. This just sucks so much. At a time when we spend special time having family gatherings, we are told to social distance and limit how many people we are around. Seriously, why? Why can’t we just be? Not that I would, because I was diagnosed with the corona virus. But one thing the corona virus won’t take from me is Love and Faith. I love God with all my heart. I have faith that his will will be done. I have faith in believing that he will save us when we learn the lesson he wants us to learn. I also have love of my family and friends. I also wonder why it is so many people complain about this time we are given to get back in touch with our family and friends. Look at this time as a positive and not so negative. Remember with every bad, there is always a good. Our God is great. Our God is great all the time. Just know I love y’all my friends. Share a smile. Remember smiles are contagious too. So share yours, it’s beautiful.

Well I feel like I’m sleeping my life away. But what more do I have to do. Stare at 1 of 4 walls. This disease has taken almost everything from me. But it will not take my family from me and it won’t take my life. I will beat it. During this time I do sit and reflect and think of so many things. But the one thing I don’t seem to understand. In a time when we have extra time on our hands and we sit and say we are bored or there is nothing to do, why don’t we do more. We always want more so why don’t we do more. Things we could do more of, love more, be kind, respect more, give thanks more, pray more, check on family more, be a friend more. There are many things we can do. It doesn’t take much to send a text and just see how someone is doing. I’m laying here and I’m looking at all the different people who walk into my room and I think how lucky am I that they have made the sacrifice they have. Our nurses, and doctors and patients care and radiologists, and pharmacist, housekeeping and all these people who are taking care of me and many many more people who have fallen sick to the corona virus. They sacrifice their health daily. And their families do the same. I am so grateful to have them. And I’m lucky to have the ones who do a little extra just to make sure I feel ok. They spend a little extra time to see how I am doing. These people could use more prayer and love. They walk away from their families everyday knowing they will be surrounded by people with the corona virus. And they still do it. That’s a true sacrifice people. They are showing what love is. Love for strangers. It brings a smile to my heart and lets me know there is still so much good out there even during this pandemic.

I’m doing this to just try and process my thoughts and concerns. I need to make sense of this. This what is this. This is living a life with an unknown. Not knowing when any of it will end. Everyday people are dying and being contaminated with this horrible virus. I lived my life as a vibrant woman. Full of life and laughter and smiles. Raising my family and enjoying what life I had. Then one day the world changes. It takes a dramatic turn. We are hit with all these figures and statements and many think it’s a joke. I will admit, I was one of those people who didn’t take it seriously at first. I thought no way in this world would anything like this ever happen to me or my family. Man how wrong was I. It hit as close to home as it could be. It hit me. That’s right me. I’m here in a hospital room all alone. Not knowing when I’ll go home. I’m separated from my children. My life. My heart. I’m not laying worrying about myself. I’m worrying about them. Praying they will be ok. Hoping I taught them enough that they will be ok while I am here. Helpless. It is crazy to believe that something as simple as breathing, becomes a daily chore. I’m sorry I keep jumping all over the place. But my thoughts are all over. Please everyone take this serious. It isn’t a joke. It’s real. You don’t know if you are safe. I truly thought my family and I would be. I had traveled. I hadn’t been around anyone known to have the Covid-19. But somehow, it found me. Damn you Covid-19. You will not win. You will not beat me.