Ok, so....This being my first CT blog means that you guys are going to see a VERY long blog about how bad my life is. If you don't care about me at all don't read this. If you want to truly know how deep my sadness goes read away.
Ok where to start?
I had a girlfriend/fiance for about 5 years until may this year. We have a daughter and you can see her in my pics. I have removed my ex from every prifile I have on every site because of recent events. But I will go back to the first inkling that we should not be together.
About 2 1/2 or 3 years ago she and I were having problems keeping work. We were living in a little town here in maine and I was laid off from my job at a tannery. She hadn't had a job for more than a couple weeks since we moved there. After getting laid off I lived on unemplyment for a while and it was nice being able to live and still spend alot of time with her and her family who lived up the road. Shortly after that I got a job at a drumstick factory. I had the job for about 3 months and I was getting to the point that I could feel bad wood without having to look at it so I decided to try reading a book while I did the job. I did that for 3 days when my boss yelled at me because she was having a bitchy day. The next morning the temp company that I worked for called and said that I wasn't needed there anymore. After that I couldn't find a job anywhere in that area that would pay anything. Shortly there after Bekki showed up one Monday and said "Oh by the way... Thursday I am moving out to a friend's house. Matt (a guy she had been talking to from work) is threatening to tell you that we slept together." At this point I was furious. I told her we were done and that I never wanted to see her again. I was able to get a place to stay with a friend and his mother. On Thursday as we were moving stuff out she came up to me and she told me that although we were over she wanted me to know that she never actually cheated on me and that she still loved me. I just said I didn't care and that I was hurt too much from the betrayal of moving out on me.
Much to my amazement after not talking to her at all on Friday I was missing her beyond belief. Saturday night I knew she was at work so I called her a little before she got out to ask if she wanted to go get dinner and go to a movie with me. She said yes. At dinner we talked about us. She asked why I called her if I was so mad at her. I told her quite simply that my life felt totally empty and wrong without her in it for even that one day. At the movie we were almost alone in the theater and we fooled around a little and she laughed at one point and said "Well we haven't missed a beat." That night I stayed with her at her new place. We had the sweetest most heartfelt sex that I think anyone could ever have. I believe that that is the night that Gabby was concieved.
After that we were great for quite a while. I was able to get a job at a restaurant that I had worked at before and the boss knew me well enough to say that he needed me as a solid person to help him run everything. I was happy to be back in the restaurant business because I lived for it. A couple months later we were able to get our own place. It was small but we needed something and we knew she was pregnant at this point. About 3 months along. I was quickly becoming the lead guy in the restaurant and making decent money for that area. About 5 months down the road I was the head cook and making good money. I was able to support her and myself without a problem and we were happy. We decided that we needed a little bigger of a place and moved into the appartment next to ours that had an extra room. It was still small but it was okay for us and it was affordable for me.
Then the baby was born. I was the happiest man in the world. Bekki had been told she would never be able to carry a baby to term and we had done it. We had the most beautiful baby girl anyone had a right to have. We were so happy that we were finally a family. A couple weeks later I proposed to her. She said yes and things were great. Nearing the end of spring an ex that I had stopped talking to found me on myspace and we starting talking. I told Bekki about it right away because I have always been an honest person in that regard. She was understandably scared but she overreacted and told me she didn't want me talking to her. Well I told her that I wasn't going to stop because before we started dating this girl was like my best friend besides she lived 5 hours away and wasn't going to threaten our relationship. I was just happy to have such a good friend back in my life. Near the end of the summer I invited my ex, named Becky, to come up and meet Bekki and see the baby. She came up on a day when Bekki was working and I was helping my friend move. Bekki was afraid that we would end up fucking because she wouldn't be there, but honestly that was not even on my mind. Anyway after I finished helping my friend Bekki called and said she was coming out to my parents house to do laundry and that she would meet us there. We were going out there because Becky wanted to see my father for the first time in 7 years. Plus that is where the baby was. When we got there Bekki was almost in tears and asked me to go outside. She told me she was pregnant again, which ended up being a lie because she wanted to get Becky to leave. We were only there about 15 minutes when Becky and the friend that came with her said they were going to go. It turns out that when I wasn't paying attention Bekki was treating them like shit. After that I had a hard time believing much of what Bekki said if there was no proof involved. She was always yelling at me about Becky. One night after work I was on the computer and talking to Becky and I had a weak moment where I told Becky that I missed being with her and we flirted a bit. After that I kinda forgot that I had done it and lost touch with Bekki because I had wuit the cooking job for my own reasons. I got a job with Bekki at a call center for Dell customer service.
In September we found an apartment that was in the middle of renovating and moved in because our lease had ended with the other place. This new apartment was huge. And it had alot wrong with it. We gave a list to the landlord and let her know about the problems. Nothing was taken care of. Bekki and I started arguing about everything. We never agreed on anything. I know that the apartment was partly to blame for our ire but we didn't help it with our attitudes. In march or april I found a conversation on the computer between Bekki and another guy that talked about her loving him and how she was going to go and see him in June and she said the one thing that made me madder than anything. I understand the flirting thing online. We all do it. But there was a point where she said "hold on I will be right back. Your baby is crying." I flipped out and left a message on the computer saying that I would be back to get my stuff. I left and went to a friends house for the night. The next day I went back and we talked. She appologized and said that it never meant anything. I forgave her and tried to forget it. We stayed there until May. Then all hell broke loose.
This is where she started to go to her parents for a week at a time. She said it was to let them have time with Gabby. I was getting depressed because I never saw Gabby and when Bekki was actually around we argued about everything. We were served eviction papers because neither of us had had a job in 5 months. Our money from our tax returns was gone. She went to her parents house. She was gone almost 2 weeks. I knew when she came back it was to get her stuff. I knew it in my heart. So I started to talk to friends and see what they thought because I had another girl that I was ready to move in with. That's right Becky and I were talking again and I had never stopped loving her. Bekki being in my life had helped to blunt that pain though. Now with her leaving me I thought that we had a chance and she agreed that I could move to live with her and we could try being a couple again. I was happy again I had the love of someone that I loved and even though I knew that I would rarely get to see Gabby I was ready for that commitment. Finally Bekki showed up and lo and behold they had 2 trucks with them. Now I knew this was coming but I got a little emotional. I told her that it was fine and that I was going to move in with Becky because she would actually love me for me. Bekki started crying and told me that she wanted us to work things out and that if I left I wouldn't get to see Gabby very often and I knew that to be true. Finally I ended up breaking down and told her I would stay because when they were leaving and taking Gabby out of the apartment I couldn't handle it. I was crushed watching that little girl walk away.
Bekki lived with her parents and I moved in with mine. I told Becky that I couldn't move in with her because I needed my daughter too much and that I would do anything to keep her. And that included staying with Bekki. She got mad at me and said something that got me mad...Being as emotional as I was already I said somethings that I regret. She stopped talking to me after that.
Meanwhile Bekki and I were getting along better because we weren't in each other's hair. Then I found out that Becky's ex was pissed at me because he thought I ruined what they had when I planned to move down there and sent Bekki an email with the conversation that Becky and I had had where I said the satuff I shouldn't have about missing her and the flirting. I told Bekki that it was in her email. She said she wasn't going to read it because she didn't want to know what I said. I told her I wanted her to because I didn't want any secrets. One day she and her sister and a friend came into town with Gabby and we all went to the library to check our emails. I sat with her while she opened her's. We read about 6 lines of the convo and she said that was enough and deleted it. She was pissed at me. I understand that but she didn't even really read anything. After that we had a hard time talking. She kept saying that all she could see was that convo. Well I tried everything I could to get her to stay with me. I told her I would do everything that she wanted...I made a list of all the stuff I would change if she would stay with me. She said she would think about it. Well last Monday I told her that life was too short and if she didn't want to be with me I understood. She said she still wanted to be friends. I told her that I couldn't do that. I needed all of her or I couldn't be around her and I would come get Gabby to stay with me whenever I could. She didn't talk to me since. I tried calling but she was "never home." Thursday a sherriff showed up at my house with restraining order papers. They stated that I was a violent person and that she was afraid for her life and the baby's. Now I fully admit I am a very angry person, but I have not been violent with another person since I was a junior in high school. It was such a bogus thing. I know that that we are completely over. I got ahold of a friend and went to his house to keep my mind off of everything. While I was there I got on the computer and ended up getting ahold of Becky. I told her what happened. She told me that she would do what she could to help... She even said that if it came to it "WE" would get custody of Gabby. Now when I saw that I thought that she wanted to try us again. I called her and tried to set up a day for my to come down and see her for a few days. She said she was busy but she never said no to me. So that night I called and left a message on her phone saying that if she didn't want me to come then she could let me know and I wouldn't otherwise I would be on a bus in the morning. Well that morning I got up and left. The bus was at 7 15. I sent her a text around 8 saying that I would be in town aroung 12. She said that I was a crackhead and that since I came anyway that I could hang out with her and her boyfriend. My shock at that line was complete. my jaw hit the floor. I played it off but I was hurt. That night her boyfriend had to go home because he had to work in the morning. She and I went to separate rooms to sleep. He tucked her in and left. After he was gone she came into my room and sat and talked with me. She told me that she like him and that things were good. Except that she felt like she was settling for him and that she hated someof the stuff he says. It was like she was pleading with me to help her. I tried to keep my feelings out of it. I told her that she had no reason to settle. She is an incredible person that anyone would be lucky to have. She laid down and asked if I could rub her back. I did...The whole time I was dying inside because I wanted her so bad. The next day she had to go do volunteer work at her church camp. I am a coward and can't always say what I want to so I wrote her an email telling her how I felt. She ignored the email and never said anything about it. I got frustrated and wrote a blog on myspace about it and she read that and sent me an email telling me she ignored it because she doesn't like confrontation and just wanted me to be her friend because I had hurt her too much. I sent her one back apologizing for loving her and told her that I would be her friend if that is all I could have but I can't be around her if that is all I get. It hurts being by her and not being able to hold her. So we are going to have to be long distance friends for however long . Who knows maybe we will never get together again but I can hope.
I have court next week to try and get the restraining order lifted so I can see Gabby. We will see what happens there.
So there you go. My life sucks because I am unlovable. I am no good at anything. I hate myself for being such a useless piece of shit. I hope that someday I will come out of this funk but for now I am broken. I don't care about my life. I hope I die. I will never take my own life but I won't avoid danger just to live now.
