CoreyAngel RL Husband to SweetDreams's blog: "This is why life sucks"

Over the last months Julie has been telling me that she wanted me to stay here because she loved me and didn't want to lose me from her life completely. Well she lied... She is moving out of here and in with someone, don't know who, she won't tell me. She sent a text at 11 pm after she thought I would be in bed and told me she "isn't coming home". That was it... So I called her and she told me she is going to move and that she would leave her stuff her til I could go. Whatever... I am through with it all. Goodbye to those that I talk to on here I probably won't be back except to get my pictures.

For those that miss my bully I am leaving this for you to find if Julie hasn't already told you. I am leaving the site's public eye because every time I come on here I mess something up in Julie's mind. So now I won't do that anymore.... Goodbye.

Have you ever wished that something was one way but knew that it wouldn't change? I hate this site sometimes... My relationship has almost ended numerous times because of it. I try to be understanding and ignore the things I see... But I can't. Every time Julie allows a guy to take flirting past a certain point I get angry... Recently she got "married" to a guy on here that, if I ever see him I WILL let him know who is in charge. And to me, although she says it's a joke, that has gone WAAAAY too far. Because of this she almost sent me home because I won't let it go. It tears my heart up because to me it looks like he has no respect for our relationship and she doesn't seem to care that it feels like a slap in the face. I have issues with online "dating" because my last relationship finally ended because of this esact type of thing. I know Julie isn't my ex... And I know she loves me but it is something that I can't get out of my head. There are too many distractions on this site and I am not one of them because I can never be on here at the same time as her. Once I am I will be all over anyone that I think has gone too far! For now I am biding my time and hoping that I don't blow up and anger her to the point of kicking me out. I love her so much that it hurts just to know that there are people out there that she would choose over me. I shouldn't be writing this blog because she and I have already gone over all this but this is for me to try and get my head right... This is how I do that... I usually do it on myspace but because it is about this site I figured I would do it here. In the end the only thing I know is that when I am on here full time there will be a rude awakening for anyone that I deem crossing the line... This Logan guy, if he isn't already gone will regret ever having talked to her... I will make his life in the lounge hell... I will mute him and eject him every chance I get...If my mods get taken then I will never shut up...If I get banned then I will make accounts to do it... Whatever I have to do I will do... Anger barely touches what I feel when I have been disrespected like he has done... Unfortunately this means that Julie will hear from me in some of these cases as well. Which of course means that we will have fights about this site again... Every time things seem to have calmed down something else comes up... Now I have to figure out how to handle the storm that will come from this blog. Oh well like I said this is me figuring things out. I will have to deal with it... And now I am off to bed... It's too damn late in the morning to still be up... And I have to put sheets on the bed...grrrrr...

Ok the last blog I did was a rough one for me. I was entering into a state of depression that brought me to the edge of suicide. I hated everything in my life and I was about to end it all when something amazing happened. But I will get to that in a minute... To sum up what has happened since the last blog... I went to court for a restraining order charge that was placed on me by my ex that was preventing me from seeing my daughter. I ended up making a deal where I got supervised visits with my daughter every other weekend. I was overjoyed just to be able to see her, but at the same time every time I saw her face and heard her voice my heart was torn further because I knew that everything that I had was destroyed. And as much as it hurt to see her I couldn't go without her. I was dying inside with or without her. I needed her because she offered me unconditional love but at the same time she reminded me that my ex was a destoyer of worlds. After my second visit from her everything was at the lowest point that they had ever been for me. Every day I woke up my first thought was about suicide.... I wanted the pain to end... My only reason for not doing it was Gabby... I couldn't leave her to this world without me to be there to protect her whenever I could. Then there came the day I decided she was better off without me... I was ready for the end... I walked to the library and got on a computer to write a blog explaining what I was about to do. When I signed in I talked to a good friend of mine from this sight. She told me she missed me and that she was gonna call me if I wanted her to. I said yes. That night she called and we talked for 10 hours... I felt lighter than I had in a long time.... She talked to me about everything and it felt great to have that again. Over the next week we talked every night for hours. And every time we talked it made me feel better about me... She was bringing me back from the dead, so to speak. Well after we had talked for a while I realized what was happening... I was falling in love with Julie. I hadn't felt this strongly about any of the exex that I had had in my life. She was funny, she was sad at times, she was angry, most of all she was real. LOL The night I told her that I loved her the first time was great. We were talking about relationships and we hit a spot where I thought she was about to tell me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I couldn't help but tell her how I felt. I remember my words... "I love you and I never want to lose this feeling." Her response was great... "What'd you just say?" And I laughed a little and said..."I love you." She was silent. I thought I had scared her. So I changed the subject. A couple days later I said it again without realizing I was saying it. She said she loved me too.... My heart soared out of the blackness it was in and I knew that I was going to be ok if I had her in my life. Ok so at this point we made plans for me to come to Kentucky to visit for a few weeks. Well the funny thing is we hit it off so well that we ended up deciding that I should stay here until we can get to Maine and get my stuff moved here. We are also planning on getting married. Julie has completely changed my life. Although I miss my daughter every day, being with Julie makes everything feel good. I never have a day go by that makes me wish I was back home. I love being here with her. Although we have had a couple of bad days because I have problems with trust, overall we have had no problems. I want nothing more than to marry this woman and be with her forever. Julie I know you are gonna read this and I know that you are going to talk to me about some of this. I want you to know that you are everything to me now... You saved my life without even knowing that it was in danger. I know you know that I love you with all that I am. And I know you love me back. As long as we have that nothing will ever truly go wrong with our relationship. Remember that as long as you choose to keep me, which I hope is forever, I will be here to dry your tears and make you smile. I will never break your heart and I will never allow someone else to hurt you without me letting them know where they stand. I can't wait until the day I make you my wife and we are able to be one.

Ok, so....This being my first CT blog means that you guys are going to see a VERY long blog about how bad my life is. If you don't care about me at all don't read this. If you want to truly know how deep my sadness goes read away. Ok where to start? I had a girlfriend/fiance for about 5 years until may this year. We have a daughter and you can see her in my pics. I have removed my ex from every prifile I have on every site because of recent events. But I will go back to the first inkling that we should not be together. About 2 1/2 or 3 years ago she and I were having problems keeping work. We were living in a little town here in maine and I was laid off from my job at a tannery. She hadn't had a job for more than a couple weeks since we moved there. After getting laid off I lived on unemplyment for a while and it was nice being able to live and still spend alot of time with her and her family who lived up the road. Shortly after that I got a job at a drumstick factory. I had the job for about 3 months and I was getting to the point that I could feel bad wood without having to look at it so I decided to try reading a book while I did the job. I did that for 3 days when my boss yelled at me because she was having a bitchy day. The next morning the temp company that I worked for called and said that I wasn't needed there anymore. After that I couldn't find a job anywhere in that area that would pay anything. Shortly there after Bekki showed up one Monday and said "Oh by the way... Thursday I am moving out to a friend's house. Matt (a guy she had been talking to from work) is threatening to tell you that we slept together." At this point I was furious. I told her we were done and that I never wanted to see her again. I was able to get a place to stay with a friend and his mother. On Thursday as we were moving stuff out she came up to me and she told me that although we were over she wanted me to know that she never actually cheated on me and that she still loved me. I just said I didn't care and that I was hurt too much from the betrayal of moving out on me. Much to my amazement after not talking to her at all on Friday I was missing her beyond belief. Saturday night I knew she was at work so I called her a little before she got out to ask if she wanted to go get dinner and go to a movie with me. She said yes. At dinner we talked about us. She asked why I called her if I was so mad at her. I told her quite simply that my life felt totally empty and wrong without her in it for even that one day. At the movie we were almost alone in the theater and we fooled around a little and she laughed at one point and said "Well we haven't missed a beat." That night I stayed with her at her new place. We had the sweetest most heartfelt sex that I think anyone could ever have. I believe that that is the night that Gabby was concieved. After that we were great for quite a while. I was able to get a job at a restaurant that I had worked at before and the boss knew me well enough to say that he needed me as a solid person to help him run everything. I was happy to be back in the restaurant business because I lived for it. A couple months later we were able to get our own place. It was small but we needed something and we knew she was pregnant at this point. About 3 months along. I was quickly becoming the lead guy in the restaurant and making decent money for that area. About 5 months down the road I was the head cook and making good money. I was able to support her and myself without a problem and we were happy. We decided that we needed a little bigger of a place and moved into the appartment next to ours that had an extra room. It was still small but it was okay for us and it was affordable for me. Then the baby was born. I was the happiest man in the world. Bekki had been told she would never be able to carry a baby to term and we had done it. We had the most beautiful baby girl anyone had a right to have. We were so happy that we were finally a family. A couple weeks later I proposed to her. She said yes and things were great. Nearing the end of spring an ex that I had stopped talking to found me on myspace and we starting talking. I told Bekki about it right away because I have always been an honest person in that regard. She was understandably scared but she overreacted and told me she didn't want me talking to her. Well I told her that I wasn't going to stop because before we started dating this girl was like my best friend besides she lived 5 hours away and wasn't going to threaten our relationship. I was just happy to have such a good friend back in my life. Near the end of the summer I invited my ex, named Becky, to come up and meet Bekki and see the baby. She came up on a day when Bekki was working and I was helping my friend move. Bekki was afraid that we would end up fucking because she wouldn't be there, but honestly that was not even on my mind. Anyway after I finished helping my friend Bekki called and said she was coming out to my parents house to do laundry and that she would meet us there. We were going out there because Becky wanted to see my father for the first time in 7 years. Plus that is where the baby was. When we got there Bekki was almost in tears and asked me to go outside. She told me she was pregnant again, which ended up being a lie because she wanted to get Becky to leave. We were only there about 15 minutes when Becky and the friend that came with her said they were going to go. It turns out that when I wasn't paying attention Bekki was treating them like shit. After that I had a hard time believing much of what Bekki said if there was no proof involved. She was always yelling at me about Becky. One night after work I was on the computer and talking to Becky and I had a weak moment where I told Becky that I missed being with her and we flirted a bit. After that I kinda forgot that I had done it and lost touch with Bekki because I had wuit the cooking job for my own reasons. I got a job with Bekki at a call center for Dell customer service. In September we found an apartment that was in the middle of renovating and moved in because our lease had ended with the other place. This new apartment was huge. And it had alot wrong with it. We gave a list to the landlord and let her know about the problems. Nothing was taken care of. Bekki and I started arguing about everything. We never agreed on anything. I know that the apartment was partly to blame for our ire but we didn't help it with our attitudes. In march or april I found a conversation on the computer between Bekki and another guy that talked about her loving him and how she was going to go and see him in June and she said the one thing that made me madder than anything. I understand the flirting thing online. We all do it. But there was a point where she said "hold on I will be right back. Your baby is crying." I flipped out and left a message on the computer saying that I would be back to get my stuff. I left and went to a friends house for the night. The next day I went back and we talked. She appologized and said that it never meant anything. I forgave her and tried to forget it. We stayed there until May. Then all hell broke loose. This is where she started to go to her parents for a week at a time. She said it was to let them have time with Gabby. I was getting depressed because I never saw Gabby and when Bekki was actually around we argued about everything. We were served eviction papers because neither of us had had a job in 5 months. Our money from our tax returns was gone. She went to her parents house. She was gone almost 2 weeks. I knew when she came back it was to get her stuff. I knew it in my heart. So I started to talk to friends and see what they thought because I had another girl that I was ready to move in with. That's right Becky and I were talking again and I had never stopped loving her. Bekki being in my life had helped to blunt that pain though. Now with her leaving me I thought that we had a chance and she agreed that I could move to live with her and we could try being a couple again. I was happy again I had the love of someone that I loved and even though I knew that I would rarely get to see Gabby I was ready for that commitment. Finally Bekki showed up and lo and behold they had 2 trucks with them. Now I knew this was coming but I got a little emotional. I told her that it was fine and that I was going to move in with Becky because she would actually love me for me. Bekki started crying and told me that she wanted us to work things out and that if I left I wouldn't get to see Gabby very often and I knew that to be true. Finally I ended up breaking down and told her I would stay because when they were leaving and taking Gabby out of the apartment I couldn't handle it. I was crushed watching that little girl walk away. Bekki lived with her parents and I moved in with mine. I told Becky that I couldn't move in with her because I needed my daughter too much and that I would do anything to keep her. And that included staying with Bekki. She got mad at me and said something that got me mad...Being as emotional as I was already I said somethings that I regret. She stopped talking to me after that. Meanwhile Bekki and I were getting along better because we weren't in each other's hair. Then I found out that Becky's ex was pissed at me because he thought I ruined what they had when I planned to move down there and sent Bekki an email with the conversation that Becky and I had had where I said the satuff I shouldn't have about missing her and the flirting. I told Bekki that it was in her email. She said she wasn't going to read it because she didn't want to know what I said. I told her I wanted her to because I didn't want any secrets. One day she and her sister and a friend came into town with Gabby and we all went to the library to check our emails. I sat with her while she opened her's. We read about 6 lines of the convo and she said that was enough and deleted it. She was pissed at me. I understand that but she didn't even really read anything. After that we had a hard time talking. She kept saying that all she could see was that convo. Well I tried everything I could to get her to stay with me. I told her I would do everything that she wanted...I made a list of all the stuff I would change if she would stay with me. She said she would think about it. Well last Monday I told her that life was too short and if she didn't want to be with me I understood. She said she still wanted to be friends. I told her that I couldn't do that. I needed all of her or I couldn't be around her and I would come get Gabby to stay with me whenever I could. She didn't talk to me since. I tried calling but she was "never home." Thursday a sherriff showed up at my house with restraining order papers. They stated that I was a violent person and that she was afraid for her life and the baby's. Now I fully admit I am a very angry person, but I have not been violent with another person since I was a junior in high school. It was such a bogus thing. I know that that we are completely over. I got ahold of a friend and went to his house to keep my mind off of everything. While I was there I got on the computer and ended up getting ahold of Becky. I told her what happened. She told me that she would do what she could to help... She even said that if it came to it "WE" would get custody of Gabby. Now when I saw that I thought that she wanted to try us again. I called her and tried to set up a day for my to come down and see her for a few days. She said she was busy but she never said no to me. So that night I called and left a message on her phone saying that if she didn't want me to come then she could let me know and I wouldn't otherwise I would be on a bus in the morning. Well that morning I got up and left. The bus was at 7 15. I sent her a text around 8 saying that I would be in town aroung 12. She said that I was a crackhead and that since I came anyway that I could hang out with her and her boyfriend. My shock at that line was complete. my jaw hit the floor. I played it off but I was hurt. That night her boyfriend had to go home because he had to work in the morning. She and I went to separate rooms to sleep. He tucked her in and left. After he was gone she came into my room and sat and talked with me. She told me that she like him and that things were good. Except that she felt like she was settling for him and that she hated someof the stuff he says. It was like she was pleading with me to help her. I tried to keep my feelings out of it. I told her that she had no reason to settle. She is an incredible person that anyone would be lucky to have. She laid down and asked if I could rub her back. I did...The whole time I was dying inside because I wanted her so bad. The next day she had to go do volunteer work at her church camp. I am a coward and can't always say what I want to so I wrote her an email telling her how I felt. She ignored the email and never said anything about it. I got frustrated and wrote a blog on myspace about it and she read that and sent me an email telling me she ignored it because she doesn't like confrontation and just wanted me to be her friend because I had hurt her too much. I sent her one back apologizing for loving her and told her that I would be her friend if that is all I could have but I can't be around her if that is all I get. It hurts being by her and not being able to hold her. So we are going to have to be long distance friends for however long . Who knows maybe we will never get together again but I can hope. I have court next week to try and get the restraining order lifted so I can see Gabby. We will see what happens there. So there you go. My life sucks because I am unlovable. I am no good at anything. I hate myself for being such a useless piece of shit. I hope that someday I will come out of this funk but for now I am broken. I don't care about my life. I hope I die. I will never take my own life but I won't avoid danger just to live now.