yesterday was the first day in a week i made it out the door i spent pretty much last week sick and angry alot shit was going down we finally got oil to heat the house my mother has dementia and is just moping around feeling sorry for herself fell out of bed three times messing herself and wouldn't help herself i was getting pissed because i know most of the time its a pity issue and she could snap herself out of it I lived this with my grandmother and both are pretty much the same manipulative and growing up i knew this of both both where needy most of the time but they are strong willed and me not much different but i'm more independent had to be no body ever treated me as if i can't I pretty much was treated the same as a boy and un like my gram and mother i was the oldest and since 11 had to grow up pretty dam fast i became a full time caretaker of the house and serogate mother to my youngest brother so i never was involved in teen life i never dated or hung out time away from my family ment reading and long lonely walks not dances and dates once i graduated that didn't end i was still pretty much cook parent and had to do things on my own with out support I worked and took care of what ever was needed all i longed for was love to be loved and wanted by someone. now i rambling so back to the main reason of this little rant, Yesterday i had a Job interview i got the call last week when all the Chaos started amid the mother falling out of bed exhaustion and the fact to dickhead middle brothers stupidity i looked out the door seeing 3 law enforcement agencies surrounding my house lovely huh,i had suffolk and nassau police and US marshalls dam were going to lose the house i got a sick kid and a sick mother in the house and the dickhead and his friends again did something to bring problems to our home and gueass what one of the jackasses was either sellling drugs orstole something and it was the latter one of the jerks stole a car with gps and drove it here lovely and the jerk was a felon and guess what he was sleeping in our garage i ended up signing a affadavit saying no body in the household knew anything about this i get a call for a temp job which i had to turn down and on valentines i was starting to get sick i get a call out of the blue about a job interview hooray a real job i was exicted but getting sick real sick i felt as if my head was just going to blow up i turned down a date fever was bad house cold and weather was bad but i stayed in bed 4 days sweated the fever and felt better by morning but everything went wrong my briefcase went mia my backup disk failed no resume and i needed it for the interview not only that my work clothes didn't fit i gained 18 pounds since moving back home plus though it was sunny it was 6 degrees outside i called my temp agency to fax a copy to my interviewer guess what it never showed i was fucked but i had to use my head i dressed very classy and had the right look i wanted i stayed calm and kept saying to my self i am a smart confident woman and i can do this. the only thing i apoligized for was the lost resume i was firm and in control and left with a hope that they will call me back but i missed my bus by two minutes and another hour before the next one came i was freezing and windy i was mad inside from what happened but i was calm and not feeling well 20 minutes of freezing cursing myself i heard something telling me to turn around i did and i saw a truck familiar blue i thought to myself GOD no please and it was my ex lover the MAn who hurt me a man who for 3 years used me the man i stupidly loved i wanted to die but he saw me as he passed in his warm truck he slumped down covered his face not to look at me drove right by i felt hurt pain humuliation i am nothing to him i am nothing no feelings no pity for me nothing i still feel love for him but until that moment the hurt was less but the fuck never even waved or stopped just pretented i wasn't there i was nothing more than shit to him . all i could do was cry the tears came the pain was deep all i wanted to do was lash out i screamed YOU FUCK.
Why does matter he's nothing his ex wife 2 of his daughters his family hate him he treated them just like me WHY DO I CARE ?????????? I do I'm foolish and my heart still beats for him there the scar will never heal
I'm better today but the anger dwells deep i want to hurt him and humuliate him as much as he did to me why do i still feel for him i will never understand i was kind and giving tender and listened to him looked to him for that in return but it was a act and fake why would someone do this to me
