AngusMacIver's blog: "What condition my condition was in..."

Well I'm single once again, after a relationship of about a year. She still wants to be friends, but I'm not going to be able to give her as much support as I have been. I'm tired of getting little to no respect and gratitude for all the times I went out of my way to help her. I'm not sorry I did, just there has to be compromise in a relationship. Apparently she never got that memo. But enough bitching for now. I still want a friendship, but after some of the things she said it might be difficult to accomplish before its time comes, and I'm afraid that she will not be patient enough for me to be able to deal with her on another level. but I'm no oracle. Just a guy who can't be lonely while he is in a relationship. It's bad enough when I'm single and lonely, but that's like adding insult to injury. I have learned a lot from my association with her, but that doesn't make moving on that much easier. maybe it'll be helpful in the future. I guess I'll have to be patient myself to find out.

Hiya folks, It's me again. your drunky friend that doesn't sleep enough. I have bee thinking lately that the majority of the women who court them don't know the difference. Uh. yeah nevermind. How about them politicians? crooked as a sherman's necktie... and how about them other sons of so and sos... but that is what I'm talking about. yay us for having accomplished the raising of anger towards us as high as it has ever been., I love our foreign policy. were gonna reap the benefits of our bad manners in dealing with the rest of the war. huzzah. I'm going to sleep now. as I pass out from the alcohol coursing through my veigns at an amazing level. I love whisky. Zzzzz....

Wow. Things have been getting better. It's inexplicable. So very unexpected. But I welcome a small retreat to normalcy, or as close as I ever get to it... Some unexpected events occurred that have been conspiring against me. I can tell that this is all leading up to something. I have no idea What or When. And as to Why and Who? That could not be hidden in a more effective way. I am trepidatious of doing my own readings right now. I just feel too handicapped by my own feelings and thoughts right now. It is a little disturbing. Of course I could just be excited about the impending end of summer session and a week off, but I don't think that is the whole of the situation. Maybe with a little more time and a few more pieces to the puzzle things will begin to come into view. On the other hand, maybe this is just the calm before the storm. The inner pessimist in me says that is more likely, but until I am sure I will endeavor to keep a positive outlook. Either way, keeping my head down and my nose to the grindstone may be the safest course to follow. But as for right now, I will enjoy the brief respite while I can. Maybe gather some energy for the next issue to come about. But maybe just relax and try to burn off some of this stress. Well this is where I sign off and go back to my reading. I will be glad to be out of this class in another week and a half. We'll see how it goes...

Hokay, so I'm drunk an d typing very slowly. again. I am such a jerk. I really wish that I that porn would stop playing in the background. Oh wait...Oh hey that's fucked. I wish I didn't like stuff that most people thing is perverted (we're pervects!). It would make my life easier tenfold. Maybe if my cousin hadn't caused me head injuries at the tender age of 6? months I wouldn't have the strange sexual proclivities that I suffer from. I just don't have the energy or wherewithall to go into my more deeply buried psychological problems, not to mention my social problems...(for the uninformed, My Filters SUCK! more unreliable than barry bonds accruing the most homeruns blah, blah, by legal means...) you're lucky that I gave you that much shelter...I have some serious issues and the whole thing drives me nuts. I wish that I could afford the frontal lobotomy, or whatever they procedure they might employ to make at least that part of my life less difficult. But I guess that's another wish that probably shouldn't be granted. I suppose I should be a little more careful about what I ask for. But then again I never was very good at learning a lesson the first time. well I'm going to collapse. that'll be good. night. where was I going? oh neveZzzzz...

Things I almost sent over the internet. (Ha) Some things need to be kept private. Like most of the things I think. Especially as far as people, specifically women, are concerned. I wish I could remember that for every time I speak. I should try to program it in to my consious and subconscious minds. well it'll be difficult to corral my pessimistic angry side.but with any luck I'll be able to make at least a little progress. Who knows... Friend: Hope your day was good. Thanks Honey. It was ok. Better than many I've had in the past. The Harry Potter movie was good. trite to say, but not as good as the book. Barely got the main plot points down, but the cinematography and special effects were good. It's always hard to see megan go, but with some luck and some planning I'll get to see them in a month or so during by break between classes. I'm probably going to be deliverring the couch and bookshelves to them in SF. and dropping off Annie's futon in SC. and also installing power, gas and water lines for mark's dad's Barbeque/heated deck setup. Wow. I guess I won't have much of a vacation... but even with the realization of that I still feel like today was a success. Actual response: Thanks sweetie. Hope you that sleep good and that your day goes well. Maybe revealing too much about yourself is dangerous. actually I'm pretty sure it is. Maybe If I spend some time thinking before responding, I'll avoud hurting the feelings of those most important to me. Well, at the very least, it's something to strive for. Some day I may even live up to it. But like all important goals, it will take time. and effort. and patience. everything else is trivial to the accomplishment of goals. except perhaps for luck. but most luck I encounter is not what I would consider good. Only Bad and Dumb. Neither of which helps me out. Even Lady Luck would ditch me at the first chance she got. (she already did, but I didn't know it was her until it was too late. even though I did occasionally think of her as such, I suppose I didn't realize the significance until recently.) And if you read all of that, I apologize for the dank, depressing, disjointed ramblings of my mind. But then again, the title should have been warning enough.

I finally did well in a class. But I only had to concentrate on it for 6 weeks. That's helpful for some with the short attention span I have. I hope that the next summer class goes as well. I know it's unlikely, but here's hoping... My progress toward my degree feels like too little, too late, but I suppose I'll know soon enough whether I'm on Academic probation or some such thing. I just feel like the path I walk is through a swamp or quicksand. Or maybe a little like glue. Some of the obstacle always stays behind to remind you of the past. and in my case, it'll suck when I finally do finish, because knowing myself, I'll have to examine everything that kept me going. I'll have to swallow what little pride I have left in order to thank the people who I had no choice but to rely on to complete my goal... assuming that I do get my degree... big assumption. One I'm not completely comfortable with. Being a history major, I understand that nothing is written in stone. We're lucky enough to have an etch-a-sketch. But the shaking at the end of the picture really requires some getting used to. But at the end of the day, I'm still alive, and while that's still true, maybe there's a chance for a victory, Phyrric, though it may be...

I'm such a nice guy for not breaking a barstool over this guy's head. The names have been changed to vilify the guilty. Incident report concerning the events of the night of Saturday, March 24, 2007 When I began my shift I was warned by one of the regulars that Jackhole was hassling Betty the server (they used to date). A number of the other customers were showing increased concern in the situation. I made an attempt to dissuade Jackhole from further contact with Betty, pointing out that bringing personal concerns to someone's place of employment is considered rude, especially if that employee cannot leave their place of employment on a whim. As this was occurring the group of customers started to escalate the situation by threatening Jackhole with physical violence if he did not leave. After a few minutes spent calming him down and a few more trying to get the other customers to back off and give him some room, I got Jackhole out the door and off the property without further escalation of the event. A little while later, the group of customers involved in the incident left the property quietly. Betty left a little while after that. Jackhole came back sometime later with a friend in what appeared to be a position of backup in case of a fight. As I had not been told by the bartender that Jackhole was to be expelled from the bar for the night, and as all the persons involved in the earlier incident had left, I let him back in with a warning to behave. Shortly after his return Jackhole began arguing with Sally the server (not an unusual occurrence), which we were able to stop. Thereafter Jackhole behaved himself until he and his friend left. Respectfully submitted, Underpaid and Underappreciated Bouncer

As happens so often, I find myself hours from actual sleep. I could lie to myself and lay sleepless with my restless mind going a mile a minute in an enormous loop. I know I spend too much time regreting my past mistakes, but it's hard to let go of something you think about constantly. I still can't believe the retarded shit I did growing up. I still chastise myself for dumb crap I did in as far back as second grade. I can still remember the effects of my violent temper way back then. My problem is that I don't think about things before I do or say them. You think I'd have learned before now. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty smart guy. (Hey, it gets me through the day, okay?) But when I look at my past the evidence that stands out to me points to the opposite. I know that I am hypercritical of myself, but I'm not sure I can help that. My temper has cooled enormously since my younger days, but I still find myself saying and doing retarded things with all too great a frequency. I guess there's something to be said for being "sad and wise". Perhaps someday I will be "sad and wise", but I have a feeling it won't be until I finish getting my Bachelor's degree and get out of college. Well, on that note, I'm going to get some more work done on my research project. I have found that if I don't do the work, it doesn't get done. I was sad when I figured that one out. But I don't feel all that wise yet. Guess I'll have to work on it.