Lesava's blog: "VENTING"

Saying this right now; if I get any responses saying that I need to stop whining, I'm deleting them, or flat out ignoring them; know that right now.

I haven't been online because alot has been going on.  My brother and niece are making a move here from California and I have been trying to help with that.  I also have been preparing for rotator cuff surgery that is happening  next Tuesday May 10, and then this past Sunday, I get my first kidney stone.  Aren't I the lucky one LMAO  It passed yesterday, thank goodness, but being on a liquid diet for the last 5 days, I'm a tad weak.  I am actually flat out exhausted.

Anyway, this morning, I woke up dragging myself out of bed.  I had barely woken up, not allowed to have coffee yet (THAT is really bad) and my mother HAD to have paperwork researched on the computer for our tax attorney (it WASN'T important, it is for NEXT YEAR).  I asked her if she could give me a few minutes to get myself a little more coordinated before I did it.  She went ballistic; said, "I didn't realize you were dying, Jesus Christ".  I immediately got up and did it, barely able to see the screen while I was on the computer.  I emailed the FUCKING papers, told her it was done, and ignored her ass.  I got the silent treatment all day.  My brother and I went out and got what I need for my pre surgery prep, and came home.  I forgot something, and told people I was going out.  I told Mom, asked her if she needed anything, and she said, "I don't want a damn thing from you."  You know what I was going out to get?  A Mother's Day card smh

I had to run to the bank as well; did that first, went to the store and got her fucking card, and then I stopped at a park about a half mile from the house, parked my Jeep, let my brother know where I was, and I started absolutely bawling.  I have never cried like that in my life.  I laid my seat back and just cried for about 30 minutes.  Everything, mom's emotional abuse, the stress I'm under here with her, it just all came out.  I was almost paralyzed.  My sweetest, most loving person in the world was texting with me, and he was sending voice messages crying with me cuz he couldn't be here with me; he's serving overseas right now.  It helped, but I still couldn't believe the tears I was crying.

I know she can't help some of it; her medicine sends her emotions into a whirlwind.  Still, it My brother sees it, my niece sees it, but she doesn't.

She is still ignoring me, that is fine.  I'm going to a movie in the morning, and then MAYBE I will take her out for a late lunch tomorrow.  We don't do Mother's Day on the actual day, too damn busy.  Tomorrow is another day, we will see how she is, but damn it, I need out of this damn house.

OK, this vent goes out to the men out there that really feel that the best thing to do with a female is lie about things.  Where they live, what they do, what they have and don't have.  What brought this on?  Someone I have know for MANY years has been telling me he's in California, been living here for 3 years.  Supposedly he's in South Dakota visiting family.  Found out today, he has never LEFT Dakota, he's been there the whole time.  Were you keeping me on the line till you could decide how to get to me, or did you ever really want to get to me.  After everything we talked about, experienced together, and you really have to pull this shit.  It hurts like hell, but I am just not going to tolerate the bullshit anymore.  You show up on my door with a HUGE apology, I MIGHT talk to you.  Till then, fuck off!

I'm a very emotional and loving person; when I get treated like shit, it hits me hard, and it's difficult for me to trust someone again after they blow my trust, second chances are rarely given because my empathy just can't tolerate the crap.

You are interested in someone, and would like to be with them (supposedly), and then the lies begin.  Maybe it can't be helped?  You understand that lying is ALOT more difficult than just telling the truth.  I will let you all in on a secret.  If you feel like you need to lie because you don't think I'm going to like you, that is the wrong way to think, plus your low self esteem is not going to make me feel weak in the knees.  Think of the Jennifer Lopez song, My Love Don't Cost A Thing.  I could give a flying fuck if you have a million dollars.  All I care about is you can pay your own bills.  Tell me you live one place, but live in another; you have boats and cars, you have a used car. 

Understand this, assholes: I DON'T APPRECIATE THE DRAMA AND THE BULLSHIT.  I have enough drama at home dealing with a parent with Parkinson's, plus my own pain isssues.  Just be honest with me, people, and read my profile for what will get you kicked to the curb.  It's so much easier to just be kind, and you never know, you might just snag the best thing that ever happened to you if you play your cards right.  

I was going to put this under Life With A Parkinson's Patient, but this is going to be a good ole vent. 

#1 Mom has everyone in our life worrying about her, always concerned for her, calling, etc.  I love that they do that, that keeps her happy, talking with them keeps her mind working, it's wonderful.  It would be nice if just for ONCE, someone would call, and ask, "How's Nikki doing?"  Family and friends NEVER ask about me, they always ask me about Mom if she isn't around, but they don't ask if I'm all right.  I don't exist anymore because of the Parkinson's, and I have a real problem with this.  I have my own physical issues: cages in my back, nerve damage, stenosis.  My pain is worse than Mom's, her mobility is worse than mine.  No one ever takes notice.  My poor Aunt Penny in Alaska, on my vacation, she saw what was happening, and she asked me if I was ok, and I started bawling in her arms.  I'm a strong woman, but damn, it's difficult to be strong without a little help.

#2  My mother is of the opinion that I don't take care of her.  I just live with her, I "help" her.  WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!  I do chores, I take care of the dog completely with NO help from her, I do the shopping, I'm the IT person in the house, I drive for her about 95% of the time.  She can't write, I do all her checks, her bills, her letters and cards, paperwork for lawsuits, EVERYTHING.  I have Power of Attorney, so I'm obviously taking care of something!

#3 Taking care of ME is one of the hardest things to do; I'm way too busy dealing with my mother and the dog.  Mom is going to be heading to Vegas on Oct 13 for two weeks, and when she is gone, I will be starting a schedule while she is gone that she can come back to and insert herself into.  I need to be able to take care of me, I NEED to lose weight, I need to be able to meditate (I haven't done it in a LONG while because I've been too damn busy).  I need to be able to get in the pool and stretch so that I can keep my back from locking up completely.  Between water aerobics and yoga, I'm going to be at that gym 4-5 days a week, minimum.  

#4 Taking care of Mom and the dog, I don't have a social life at all.  The few people that talk to me on FUBAR are the only ones I have.  I have no one to talk here in my physical life.  I've started with a Parkinson's support site that looks like it will be a help.  But to have someone to go out for coffee with, or to the park to talk......just thinking about it makes me cry writing this.  I would love that so much.

I'm done for now, I have such a headache, and I have too much to do tomorrow, I need to rest my head.  I have to pack to go down to my brother's place in Northern California for a few days.  I'm going to help him LOL I'm a helper.  But I will get a break as well, so I will take what I can get.

Some of you that know me, know that I was FU engaged on here to someone that I cared so much about, even loved.  Everytime we would make plans to see each other, something always happened.  The third time, I was flying to his area with my mother to see family, so he couldn't get out of seeing me.  The week before I left, he sent me a message about how things REALLY are.  He had told me things that were true, but he hadn't told me the continuation of their story, or the facts.  Neglecting to be honest with me, and flat out lying to me about certain things.  An example, I sent a package of Christmas presents to a home that he didn't live in anymore that I had spent a decent amount of money on.  I told him OVER and OVER again just be honest with me, good or bad.  I'd rather have the facts and be able to make my own decisions based on them, not what you want me to know.

He says I dumped him because the money wasn't there as he said it was.  I could honestly give a flying fuck about the money.  My only requirement money wise is that the man can pay his own bills, other than that I don't give a shit.  

It hurt to receive that email from him, he couldn't call me to tell me, he had to email me.  That might have been better actually.  He didn't get to hear my tears.  Luckily, my brother had no clue how to get to him, because he was ready to jump in his truck and go.  Lying to me hurts me more than anything you can do physically to me.

Just a warning to anyone interested in me, for friendship or more.  BE HONEST, please.  If you knew what I went through during my marriage (that's a vent for another time) you would understand why lying to me is the most painful thing you can do to me.  

Have some class................tell the damn truth

This "woman", and I use that term loosely, has caused so much upheaval in my brother's life, and by extension my mother's and my lives.  She has left him multiple times, fucked around on him, takes drugs regularly, getting drunk, and somehow, she gets away with it and they are BACK together, because she put the blame on someone else for her latest fuckup, stealing money out of my brother's bank accounts while they were going through a divorce.  She put it on her "new man" at the time, and he is getting charged with it.  She is getting away scot free, and my brother is taking her back.  She hurts him time and time again, he hurts, in extension Mom and I hurt.  And then she is back, and then she does it again, and again, and again.  I am just at a loss for words when it comes to the situation.  He has called off the divorce, which REALLY makes me upset.  My heart genuinely hurts because I know he will be hurt again and again.  

I'm beyond pissed with him, believe me.  He is too nice for his own good, something I am bad at as well.  At least I have learned how to be nice now, he is just being a pussy whipped little boy.

And now, they will be up here this Thursday for a week or two.  I'm SO not happy about this, and if I could, I would be taking a long vacation right now, or leaving permanently to get away from the whole situation.  When she is around, the toxicity level goes up to 11.  I can't handle it at all.  The empath in me absorbs it and I go completely nuts.  While he is up here, I will be taking him out without her, if possible (she can't let him do ANYTHING on his own, she is so fucking clingy), and TRY to explain to him what all of this is doing to Mom and I, and explain that he looks like a fucking moron taking her back over and over again. 

This is not going to be a good week, between their visit, Mom's medical procedure today, and the election tomorrow.  I will not be venting on politics till the election is over.  Then I will make one post about the results, and be done with that subject.

Please cherish any peace and love that you have in your life, not everyone has it, and those people can only dream of it until, by some miracle, it MIGHT happen to them.