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I am trying really hard to just blog my thoughts n feelings. I don't wanna bring it in my lounge or to my friends. I am just sick of it. I am sick of being huge. I'm sick of being tired. But MILES more than that, I don't want to be angry anymore. I feel attacked by everyone around me. Nothing I do is ever good enough, noone appreciates me at all. My exhusband, just dropped the kids on me this weekend, when it's suppose to be his turn cause he's taking his gf out for V-day. Fucker didn't do shit for me for the 8 years we were together. And it pisses me off. I want him to be as rejected as I am. I give everything when someone gives me a chance. Attention, love, gifts, time, etc. I'm pretty much the same with my friends. I have one friend who I absolutely adore but he only loves me as a friend. But when I flirt with someone else I feel like I'm cheating on him or like I'm blowing any chance I have with him. He is absolutely wonderful. Smart, gentle, gorgeous inside and out, travelled, funny, hard worker, down to earth... a real man. I love ya Aaron, with all my heart. But I am so sick of being alone. Over looked, underappreciated. I don't pursue people very much because I am sick of rejection. I know part of my feelings are due to the horrific pms I get. I need to see a gyno about it, but I can't afford one. I actually get suicidal and want to cut all ties to everyone for several days at least, once a month. I just gotta get the poison out. I gotta quit being angry, quit feeling sorry for myself. Stand on my own two feet. I know this, I just keep thinkin' to myself, "Why stand up when someone will just come by and knock me on my ass again?" or "I'm justified in how I feel *refer to some occurance*" And I am tired of wallowing in that. I have gotten to the point where I want to bitch out total strangers for odd looks or snide comments. I've never stood up to people like that.
I gotta redirect my attention on something better, and more attainable.
Val
