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What are you waiting for?
You can't make anything long term by screwing it up from the beginning.
It may feel good, it may seem right, but I promise it ain't.
The best things in life are worth the wait, they're worth the effort,
They're worth fighting for.
I am one of the best things in life.
I love whole-heartedly.
I give more than I take.
I can talk and listen.
I have some self-respect.
I'm not one of the disposable jokes you had before.
I can change your life, but only if you let me.
I may seem bitter, jaded, and cold, but if you looked just a little deeper
you would see the naive little girl who hides behind walls a thousand miles high.
I am worth it. And if you refuse to treat me as such, be certain I will.
I know what I look like, I own mirrors.
I know what I act like, I have friends.
I know what you see, just in a glance at me.
But that's not good enough. I am so so much more.
Expressions of Me
There are so many things I need to say,
I must put them into words.
You left me standing in tears that day,
And now I am disturbed.
I’ve become a freak,
I know I’m scorned and jaded.
The boards of my soul creek,
The men around me hated.
With every word, hateful or complimentary,
My blood boils more and more.
I feel I could enter a monastery,
Yet my behaviors like a whore.
The word “love” means nothing,
Coming from a man.
Sometimes I think I feel something,
But it never lasts or stands.
You taught me I was ugly,
Unacceptable, undesired,
And I believe with every part of me,
I cannot be admired.
Friends, though they’re well meaning,
Can never understand,
That when I am demeaning me,
It’s my way to take a stand.
To admit the mirror is right,
To agree to what you’ve said,
Gives me power in your plight,
My heart’s among the dead.
Will it ever be brought to life again,
Part of me hopes not.
For if I feel and hurt then,
My fate is done and bought.
And I wish I’d never known you,
Because I’d never have done it differently,
I never could have denied you,
Not with all the will in me.
The part you played was flawless,
I could never have competed,
I would have taken lawlessness,
To be at your side seated.
The anger starts to bubble,
And I remember all my rage,
Then comes on the trouble,
When they make me center stage.
Never again will I see me as beautiful,
No innocence in me,
You’ve broken me til pitiful,
To the lowest of degrees.
I delve into my work,
God please send me what I need.
So I don’t have to think about this jerk,
And at least for a moment, I’m freed.
Self Realization
My feelings, thoughts, and deep hurt,
Honestly mean even less than dirt.
In the grand scheme of things,
In this time before I grow my wings.
I don't know why I expected them to care,
And this self righteousness comes from where?
I just know that it's been here a while,
Sometimes being my only way to smile.
But I know now that it's not right nor good,
I'm trying to change, do what I should.
And I'm seeing myself through different eyes,
I see I've become what I despise.
The time is now to make the changes,
To be prepared for when the world rearranges.
To become the one I was always meant to be,
Instead of this person in front of me.
The mirror reflects a different me in every glimpse,
In my eyes I see changes, new hints.
The dreams drag on, each and every night.
Do I freeze in fear? CHOOSE! Fight or flight?
I know it's coming, and I won't forget.
The time to stand or run and fret.
Where will I go, and whom shall I be?
Kept imprisoned, or my soul set free?
Rest is an unattainable dream.
My mind bogged down by the Future's stream.
The urgency stands heavy on my chest.
I know not the words to explain the rest.
There is fear in freedom.
As the cost is the death of the world, and it's rebirth.
~ Valrie W~
If you want to know me
If you want to know me
Read what I write
It's always from my heart.
If you think I'm sexy
That's great,
But if you don't know me, then telling me can wait.
If you think I'm beautiful,
I may disagree,
But that doesn't lessen how much you thinking so means to me.
If you think your interested ,
Make me laugh,
Break through my shell and open a path.
If you think you love me,
It may be true,
But if you don't tell me, I won't know that about you.
If you know you love me,
Then you've taken some time,
To make me laugh and watch me shine.
You've opened me up, and see what's inside,
And realize there's a treasure for which some would have died.
Greater than that of all diamonds and pearls,
Is the heart of a woman that still beats as a girl's.
Tender and sweet and loving am I.
Jaded a little from some other guy,
But I'm still as valuable, as the day I was born,
Even though I've weathered many a storm.
So show me you love me,
Always be there,
Or I'll never know, that you truly care.
I'm worth it.
~Valrie W.~
I am trying really hard to just blog my thoughts n feelings. I don't wanna bring it in my lounge or to my friends. I am just sick of it. I am sick of being huge. I'm sick of being tired. But MILES more than that, I don't want to be angry anymore. I feel attacked by everyone around me. Nothing I do is ever good enough, noone appreciates me at all. My exhusband, just dropped the kids on me this weekend, when it's suppose to be his turn cause he's taking his gf out for V-day. Fucker didn't do shit for me for the 8 years we were together. And it pisses me off. I want him to be as rejected as I am. I give everything when someone gives me a chance. Attention, love, gifts, time, etc. I'm pretty much the same with my friends. I have one friend who I absolutely adore but he only loves me as a friend. But when I flirt with someone else I feel like I'm cheating on him or like I'm blowing any chance I have with him. He is absolutely wonderful. Smart, gentle, gorgeous inside and out, travelled, funny, hard worker, down to earth... a real man. I love ya Aaron, with all my heart. But I am so sick of being alone. Over looked, underappreciated. I don't pursue people very much because I am sick of rejection. I know part of my feelings are due to the horrific pms I get. I need to see a gyno about it, but I can't afford one. I actually get suicidal and want to cut all ties to everyone for several days at least, once a month. I just gotta get the poison out. I gotta quit being angry, quit feeling sorry for myself. Stand on my own two feet. I know this, I just keep thinkin' to myself, "Why stand up when someone will just come by and knock me on my ass again?" or "I'm justified in how I feel *refer to some occurance*" And I am tired of wallowing in that. I have gotten to the point where I want to bitch out total strangers for odd looks or snide comments. I've never stood up to people like that.
I gotta redirect my attention on something better, and more attainable.
Val
I don't know why it is so hard for someone to pay a compliment. I make sure to compliment my female and male friends at each opprutunity so they know they are well looked upon. Whether it be from something they do, or if they look nice. When I get on cam, it's like I'm not even there. I run a bbw lounge, and am the least popular girl in the lounge. Those who can't get a man build a lounge for others to?
I guess I just don't get why it's so much easier to back stab an associate, than compliment a friend.
Oh well. My opinion is really the only one that matters to me anyways. And I think in a world of jello, I'm Creme Brulee'. I might be harder to come by. I might take longer to get ready. It may take someone special to bring the best out in me, but I am miles better than the green jello that comes along daily.
Just sayin lol
confident For those of you who know me well, you know I don't make new year's resolutions usually. Except maybe resolving not to make one LOL. This year I made one, and I am praying it was from God, that it does as I hope it will, and that I will stand beside it through all temptations to return to old patterns.
Ready to hear it? It'll knock your socks off! It's new! It's innovative..... actually that's bs I bet half the people in the world have made one similar LOL ok here it is.....
It comes in parts.
The biggest most bulky part is:
I am going to treat myself the way I want to be treated by others.
Now I know that sounds kinda bassackwards. I can hear ya thinking "Don't you mean treat others the way you wanna be treated? Golden rule and all?" NOPE. I've done that for 33 years, and so far it's gotten me bit in the ass and walked on. I'm not gonna stop being kind, however...... As I would have my friends or my man (if I had one) do for me..... I am going to stand up for myself, say "No" and stand by it, treat myself to luxuries like: daily showers, clean house, clean car, clean clothes, eating only the foods I really enjoy and that I want to eat, movies, manicures, pedicures, hairstyles, new clothes, jewelry, etc... as I can afford it of course. It won't be a big huge thing, but considering one of the other parts of this resolution, I will have a little extra money here and there.
That part is to quit smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since Dec 21, 2009. For you slower mathematicians that is 2 weeks as of Monday, which technically is today, as it's past midnight, since I have had a cigarette. I just couldn't see spending $200 a month on cigarettes, not to mention the doctor bills from related illnesses to me and my kids. I can't do it to them anymore, and though it hurts like a mother fucker (pardon my filthy mouth but it's about the only thing that comes even remotely close to the pain and strain I feel sometimes) it's worth it for them, and for me.
The other part of this resolution is the one that is going to knock the socks off of most the people who know me. As you all know I've dated 1 guy I didn't meet online in the past 10 years or so. Now mind you I was married and with my ex for 7 of them (we dated a year and were married 6 before he did me the honor of getting the hell out and eventually making me his ex-wife). However, considering I have had about 4 or 5 serious online relationships since then, I think it needed to be addressed. I have resolved not to seriously date nor call a guy I meet online my boyfriend. If I meet a local guy on a website, we can be friends til New Years, if he's worth it he'll wait. If I meet a non-local guy he's gonna have to not only prove that he can and will move here locally, or provide a better life for me and mine elsewhere, but he will also have to wait to be with me in person or come and visit me (sexlessly), as I am not spending the more money on another guy to come use me up sexually and financially then spit me out like old chewing gum at his whim. I am not doing it anymore. No sex with guys. Nada. I am sick and tired of letting my hormones and my heart lead the way. It's broken me so far down in the past year, that I cannot handle it again. Not for a very long time if ever.
So I am giving myself a year to heal, to take care of myself, to focus my attention on me, my kids, and the future of my family. My education. My goals. All my life all I ever wanted was my soul mate. I figure I've waited 33 years, 12 months won't kill me, if I magically meet him tomorrow. Plus we can be friends til I'm ready to take that next step. Hmph! lol
Mostly though, I just wanna be the kind of woman I can look up to and be happy being. (LOL that didn't make much sense but I'll explain.) The kind that isn't afraid to be herself, or try new things. The kind that will work and earn her way through this world, and when the time comes I'll be able to stand on my own two feet, even if it takes me years to accomplish. I won't live in constant fear nor regret anymore. I will stop dwelling on the past and other peoples shitty opinions, and do as I know is right and good for me. I decide who I am! I will be the kind of woman that refuses to be a door mat, a sex toy, an ATM, or a dart board. And I know I'll be the better inside because of it.
And may those who love me stand beside me and enjoy the change, and those who don't may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so I will know them by their limping :).
Thanks for reading, comments are encouraged!
I wrote this a few nights ago on my phone. I just wanted to write it down. I suppose it's weird to most folks but thanks ok. I am weird LOL. I wrote it so please give me the credit if for some odd reason it appeals to you and you share it. Thanks! :)
Dear Soulmate,
I miss you all the time. It seems like a millenia since we were together. Could be, maybe longer. I often wonder if you remember me, heaven, the love we shared. I've searched for you in the eyes of a million souls. But none were you. I know, I shouldn't've followed you here, I simply didn't feel that I would quite be as at home in heaven without you. Plus I was afraid you might not make it home for a very long time, if ever, if I didn't come to remind you. I also remember us wanting to experience human passion together. Did you land here as a demon/fallen angel, or as a man? Are you still here? Have you already gone back home to heaven, and left me here to yearn?
None of these senseless selfish humans can take your place as my 1. Try as I might. Forgive me for not waiting. For trying to make other people into you in my mind, that I may express my love for you. It scares them. I scare them. It's too pure, too passionate. They run away.
And I'm left here alone. Missing you. Wishing, hoping, and praying that God, in His generousity and infinite wisdom, might see fit to reunite us, that we may spend the rest of this human life together, happy, in love, and complete.
Is He preparing us to reunite, or have we both wandered too far off in our own wasys to be good for eachother anymore? Wow, the mere thought breaks my heart. I pray if we don't meet here, that we are reunited in heaven, soon.
I miss you and love you.
Always yours,
Me
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