LilSqueaker's blog: "ugh"

What ever happened to being able to take someone at their word? When you could trust someone to do something or be somewhere because they gave you their word. It used to be that your word was as good as a contract now it is just a way that people make empty promises. Hell a promise doesn't mean shit anymore either.

I may only be 26 and many would say all that was lost before I was even old enough to understand. The thing that people don't know is that I was raised with the same morals and values that the generation before me were raised with. I was raised to respect your elders, say please and thank you, give your seat up to someone older, work for what you get, if you make a promise keep it, never give up, always rememeber where you come from, and so many more yet most are not raised that way.  I know what it is like to work from early morning then go to school come home and do more. I know what it is like to move for your elder to sit down and I know how to say "yes ma'am/sir" or "no ma'am/sir".

It makes me sad to think that even know I am teaching my daughter this that most people her age will never know the true meaning of respect or of honesty. They won't know what it truely means to give your word or make a promise. They won't know the meaning of humility or trust. How am I suppose to show my daughter this better world everyone likes to talk about when the things that truely make the world better are being lost.

I am truely thankful to my parent and grandparents that made sure that my brothers and myself had it ingrained deep in our minds these morals. I am also glad that they are still here to make sure those morals are ingrained deep in my daughters mind as well. That there is not a day in her life that she does not pt these morals intoplay.

My wish and prayer for this generation and the next s that we start rememebering those morals that should haev been passed on. That we can find the strength to fight the laziness and the BS of society that we are all entitled to things that were not. I just pray that others can raise their children the true meaning of respect, trust, promises, and your word. Just give your children some morals that can help to fix this beloved land that the brave men and women who have these morals can be proud to serve. 

I love my little brother to death but I can't take it anymore. I have drove the 24 hour trip 4 times to get him to bring him home from the Marines to spend time with his family and he never stays home. Then I get this awesome news that my challenge to go back to school as  a single mother has finally been completed. I'm going back to school. 

I ask him to come home for  a little while to go out to eat with the family to celebrate and what happens he tells me no but he still wants to go to a gun and knife show tomorrow. WTF?! I keep giving and this is what I get in thanks?

I asked him to babysit because I didn't have anyone else. He said that he would becuase he loves his niece and that she is his world. Come 8:45 in the morning and he's not here. I have to go find him and I find out that he was more worried about getting his dick wet than to take care of his neice. What do I do? 

I guess I just feel hurt and tired of being walked on. 

I guess the thing that hurts the worse is that I have gone to South Carolina for his graduation from boot camp, Then went and got him for leave. Next I went down to get him for pre-deployment leave and he flew back. Then I went down for his coming home from Afghanstan, worked my ass off to find out when his plane came in and he would be getting off the bus. Shared a bed with him and my daughter for an entire week so that he could spend it with his neice. I then went back down and brought him home for a short time afterwards. Now I went and got him so that he could come home and recover from knee surgery at home and going to take him back. 

Doesn't that at least give me the right to have him come celebrate this one thing for me?

Why is it that I do this to myself all the time. I screw up anything that is good in my life everytime it comes along. I have to sabatus everything good in my life. 

I had an amazing thing with a man that I fell in love with quicker than I have anyone in my life and then what did I do? I went and had to let my insecurities get into the way and I pushed him away! I let my fear and trust issues get in the way again. He never got to see who I truely was and never got to see that I had so much love for him but that doesn't matter anymore because he is gone now. 

My life has always been me ruining it for myself. I find someone then I stay distant from them some how and never truely let them in even though I want to. I can't seem to let anyone in all the way and I don't know what is wrong with me. I put all kinds of provocitive pictures up and get all kinds of attention that I don't want because even though people say it all i see is being pretty or cute. I put those up because at least then I can hide behind the fact that I have no faith or confidence in myself.

All my life I have heard that I'm fat, I'm ugly, stupid, unloveable, and even that I was only made to make babies and serve men. I know that there is a say that says, "You only allow yourself to have the love that you feel that you deserve" and if that is true then I guess that explans it all. I still to this day get told that I am fat that I'm worthless, lazy, a bad mother, and that I'm never going to do anything with my life. I'm just tired of putting on that fack smile for everyone and I'm tired of pretenting that I'm not dieing inside. I want to be truely happy. To be able to sleep at night and to have a smile that reaches all the way to my eyes. I want to be that girl that people see and say wow she's so happy I wish I could be that happy. 

Sometimes I wander if that's all I should do is find a man that will do like every other man has done and use me, cheat on me, lie, rape, and beat me. Then at least I would be living a true lifestyle I keep getting told that I deserve. Maybe just typing, crying, and drinking don't mix. Sorry to anyone that reads this and either gets upset or feels sorry for me. No need to feel sorry it's my life and I do it to myself. 

The days sometimes drag by and sometimes they fly. No one could imagine what it is like to wake up to the sight that I've seen and no one could imagine the fear that I felt that day. The days that drag by I relive a lot of what happened and the days that fly by it is still feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I wander what it is about the way that I live that stops me from moving on and being a normal person. I wander why is it that I can't live a normal life the way that I planned. I love my daughter and I love mom, Andrew, JT, and all the others in my life that have been close to my heart, but I feel like I can't love them fully. I know that if I could some how get through this and move on with my life then I could fully love everyone that is in my life. I wish that you were here and that I didn't keep hearing your last words. The thing is I know that it won't ever change and that I just have to live with it. Growing up with you wasn't always easy. I know that with your disease sometimes it made my mad that you got so much attention all the time even on things that were suppose to be my day. I didn't know then that it was selfish or that I was just taking it out on you because of the fact that I couldn't get half the admiration as you. Now i see all that and I hate that at times I made you feel like crap because I was envious of you. I should have seen then but I didn't and that makes it even harder. Putting my life on hold growing up didn't bother me because of the fact that I had so much fun with you. Yes we cried together and we fought and we laughed but the times that we laughed made it all worth it. Looking back there isn't a day that I would have changed. Not a day that I would have given up spending time with you instead of going and doing things that normal people my age would have done. I would still spend everyday with you. The days that I didn't spend with I always felt bad and was scared when I stayed the night at someones house I was always afraid that I wouldn't be there for you. Then I was there for you for those last moments and now I wish that I hadn't been. I know that it would hurt me if I wasn't and that I would hate myself for not being there and now it haunts me that I was there. That I have to relive that night more than I ever want to. I love you and miss you with all my heart and wish you were still here.

REPLY IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE TO ME WITH YOUR ANSWERS. DONT BE AFRAID. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL REPLY OR WHAT ANSWERS THEY WILL GIVE. EVEN IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND OR HUSBAND OR WIFE - REPOST THIS! LET THE FUN BEGIN........

1.Your Name:

2.Age:

3.Favorite position:

4. Do you think I'm cute?

5. Would you have sex with me?

6. lights on or off?

7. Would you have to be drunk?

8.Would you take a shower with me?

9.Have you ever thought about having sex with me?

10.Would you leave after or stay the night?

11.Do you like cuddling afterwards?

12.Condom or skin?

13.Have sex on the first date?

14.Would you kiss me during sex?

15.Do you think I would be good in bed?

16. Would you use me as a booty call?

17.Can I use you as a booty call?

19.Can we take pictures of the act?

20.How long would we have sex?

21.Would you tell your friends about me?

22.Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

You know what I'm not the prettiest girl in the world and I don't find myself beautiful or sexy or gorgeous but I still have the same right as anyone of those beautiful people, that we all know, to be happy, have friends to stand by me, and live my life. I'm not going to be the next top model or make all the guys eyes turn but I love myself. I know that a lot of people think that I am strong and that I am confident but the thing is that's just an act a lot of times. I am insecure and I have many doubts. I don't need people to be in my life that are just going to beat me down or rub it in my face that they have things that I don't. I want to be happy and I want to know that some of the people in my life that have left and came back more times than I care to count that if I need someone that I have them to count on. I am an average girl like most of the other girls on here and it means that I also have average friends. I wasn't popular in school, not invited to all the parties, and wasn't a face that others would remember but I hope that my friends will. I hope that they have great memories of us in school or in life in general. I hope that if it came down to it that I needed a friend in a public place and my "friends" were with other friends and they seen me they wouldn't ignore me because I'm not good enough. I know that I can be annoying and that I am loud and that I can go over the top but does that mean that I shouldn't have friends that are loyal? That the only people that I can count on and go to are my family? And for those friends of mine that I know that I can count on Thank You and I love you for being there for me through it all!

Watching a show today that was on netflix and there was a mom that was waiting on her daughter before she died because she wanted all her kids to be there with her, but her daughter had had a fight with her family and got there too late. The mother told her other children to tell her daughter that she waited for her and that she loved her and that she was sorry that she failed her daughter. When the daughter got there she went in and started to shake her mother when she seen her and yelled she was sorry. This made me bawl like a baby.

My brother died Nov. 19, 2011 I was with him in his last moments a long with my little brother and step-dad. My mom was at work and I know that she would never believe it but I think that it was that way because she wouldn't have survived it. She lost her oldest baby and it would have destroyed her, but I think it was this way because it had to be because God knew that me and my baby brother would need our mom so she couldn't be there.

I was the one that was suctioning his trac tube trying to keep him from drownding in his own blood but wasn't able to succeed. The docs told me that even if there would have been a doctor standing right there that he wouldn't have made it. The thing is that no matter how many people tell me that there was nothing more that I could do I still blame myself and probally always will. 

I yelled at his body many times saying that I was sorry and that I loved him, and told him that I tried the best that I could and that I was so sorry. Of course it didn't change the out come, but when I seen that scene on the show I cried because it was like I was living that horible day all over again. 

There is a song called "Joey" by Sugarland and in that song it says, "Joey I'm so sorry" I would not listen to that song when he was alive because I was so afraid that he would die after me and him had a fight and I wouldn't be able to say I was sorry to him and then my worse fear came true. 

I know that they say that the pain lessens as time goes but does the guilt? Will the pain of feeling like I'm looking at a little him go away when I look at my daughter since she looks so much like he did in the baby pictures? Will I ever be able to live a day where I feel whole and not like there is a hole of guilt trying to swallow me whole?

I guess that these are just questions I will have to wait and see how life answers them. 

I love you and miss you so much Joseph Lee Vencill till the day the put me in the ground and I join you

Just not whole

  I know that I should be happy and be smiling becuse I have a gorgeous daughter and a caring family and friends but I'm not whole. My heart is still broken and torn. Joe is gone and me and my baby brother are split more than ever. Joe was the glue that kept us close.

  My baby brother Andrew and myself were never that close and I think it is mostly because of the fact that Andrew was closer to our father and I was closer than my mother. It also wasn't just that because me and him used to be closer but life just changed things. When we would get into hard times and would fight and just being done with everything to do with each other Joe would stop us. Joe would remind us that we would only have each other after he passed. That we were going to need each other.

  When Joe was on his bed and needed his brother and sister me and Andrew were both with him. We were both there for him in his last moments when it mattered,  the only thing is that seemed to push us further apart. During the time of us needing family to heal some and get through the hard time me and him were so close. We were holding hands at the viewing and funeral and he was making sure that I was OK since I was pregnant. Then when we were over the shock and basically trying to heal on our own we were distant.

  It as if both brothers are gone. That since Joe left the glue that held me and Andrew together has disappeared. Joe took part of us away with him. I know that he is up there watching as we get more and more distant and wish that we could be the way that we were but I don't see it happen. I feel like there is no way that I will ever be whole again because there isn't that connection anymore.

  I know that my mom tries her best and she can see how split we are but it's just hard. None of us know how to make it all OK again and we know that it will never go back to the way that it used to me, it just can't. Sometimes I wander if the whole in her heart grows more everytime she sees the drift inbetween me and Andrew. My mom is a person that family means everything to her. She already feels that she lost both her boys and I know that makes it harder on her.

   When Joe was here it was even though he was the one in pain he was butting in to stop our fighting and he was the one that told us that we were being immature or that we were being stupid. Sometimes I just wander what will it take to be whole again?

  Many of us have lost ones that mean a lot to us, but i lost one that is hard for me to bounce back from. On November 19, 2011 I lost my older brother Joe. He was 2 years older than me but he was like my twin. Let me tell you a little about him.

   Joe was a very strong man even thought his body was not strong. He had a disease that most of the time wouldn't have allowed him to do as much as he did. Joe would not let his disease or his doctors limit him from what he wanted. Everyone loved him and he could put a smile on peoples faces that were having such bad days that they were ready to just cry. He was told that his disease would kill him early, since they only gave him a life expectancy of 20-25, but that did not stop him from loving the people in his life and being an inspiration.

    At 6 years old Joe was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy or DMD. At the age of 10 he was in a wheelchair and told that he would never walk again. As he had to give up things such as kickball and swinging i gave them up along with him. Put my own life on hold to live with him. When he was 14 he had a surgery that allowed him to walk with a walker but he couldn't keep it up. With all the fights that he had then it wasn't enough to stop him. Three years ago we moved to a new town, away from our home that we had been at for 10 years, that is when things really started to go down hill. In September of 2010 Joe was taken to Wayne Hospital by ambulance. When they arrived Joe was comatose. My mother and myself, who have been his main caregivers, tried everything that we could think of to get him to wake up. They ended up in-abating him there and taking him under lights and sirens to Miami Valley Hospital to the ICU. We stayed there the entire time with him. We were in the ICU for around 1 1/2 months and the whole time Joe was trying to get the tube out and was determined to get out of there, of course only when there wasn't some gorgeous nurse.

  After 2 tries of getting it where the tube was removed and him coding they finally decided all they could do was put in a trac. We moved to Pulminary and there he was trying to break the need for the vent. The nurses and respitory tecnitions and PCTs all fell in love with him. Everyone including him were bent on him breathing on his own. That stopped when he coded trying to breath on his own. We were there for 74 days when they finally told us that we could go home. It took around 30 min. to get him out of the room because no one wanted him to leave.

  For the next year we were in and out of the hospitals with many different things. The entire time my mom and me were right there with Joe and you could tell that we helped him. I ended up getting pregnant on my 21st birthday and Joe made me feel that it was OK and that things would work out, that life always moves on even when you are faced with hard times that you never seen coming. Joe was always in a very hard place do to the fact of his issue and was always in pain, but he still smiled and would have a smile on his face. No one in that hospital seen him be upset unless of the fact that he was coding but other than that he would smile and laugh and make everyone in the room with him laugh. He was an amazing inspiration to all.

   It will be one year this November 19, 2012, and this is hard for us. He passed 7 weeks before Miliana was born and so has missed a lot. Whenever I have a hard time I think about Joe. I think about what he used to tell me...don't wait for someday make someday today because you never know when that last day will be. 

The main thing that i remember is that sometimes even when we are in pain and we are completely ready to give up and just not want to be in pain anymore there is a kid out there that is suffering everyday and still fights to live another day. Fights to see that one more achievement, one more movie, one more birth, or maybe even meet one more person. Don't take your life for granted because somewhere out there, there is someone who wishes to have a life to take for granted!!!

I love you Joe and I miss you everyday!!