LilSqueaker's blog: "ugh"

Watching a show today that was on netflix and there was a mom that was waiting on her daughter before she died because she wanted all her kids to be there with her, but her daughter had had a fight with her family and got there too late. The mother told her other children to tell her daughter that she waited for her and that she loved her and that she was sorry that she failed her daughter. When the daughter got there she went in and started to shake her mother when she seen her and yelled she was sorry. This made me bawl like a baby.

My brother died Nov. 19, 2011 I was with him in his last moments a long with my little brother and step-dad. My mom was at work and I know that she would never believe it but I think that it was that way because she wouldn't have survived it. She lost her oldest baby and it would have destroyed her, but I think it was this way because it had to be because God knew that me and my baby brother would need our mom so she couldn't be there.

I was the one that was suctioning his trac tube trying to keep him from drownding in his own blood but wasn't able to succeed. The docs told me that even if there would have been a doctor standing right there that he wouldn't have made it. The thing is that no matter how many people tell me that there was nothing more that I could do I still blame myself and probally always will. 

I yelled at his body many times saying that I was sorry and that I loved him, and told him that I tried the best that I could and that I was so sorry. Of course it didn't change the out come, but when I seen that scene on the show I cried because it was like I was living that horible day all over again. 

There is a song called "Joey" by Sugarland and in that song it says, "Joey I'm so sorry" I would not listen to that song when he was alive because I was so afraid that he would die after me and him had a fight and I wouldn't be able to say I was sorry to him and then my worse fear came true. 

I know that they say that the pain lessens as time goes but does the guilt? Will the pain of feeling like I'm looking at a little him go away when I look at my daughter since she looks so much like he did in the baby pictures? Will I ever be able to live a day where I feel whole and not like there is a hole of guilt trying to swallow me whole?

I guess that these are just questions I will have to wait and see how life answers them. 

I love you and miss you so much Joseph Lee Vencill till the day the put me in the ground and I join you