LilSqueaker's blog: "ugh"

Just not whole

  I know that I should be happy and be smiling becuse I have a gorgeous daughter and a caring family and friends but I'm not whole. My heart is still broken and torn. Joe is gone and me and my baby brother are split more than ever. Joe was the glue that kept us close.

  My baby brother Andrew and myself were never that close and I think it is mostly because of the fact that Andrew was closer to our father and I was closer than my mother. It also wasn't just that because me and him used to be closer but life just changed things. When we would get into hard times and would fight and just being done with everything to do with each other Joe would stop us. Joe would remind us that we would only have each other after he passed. That we were going to need each other.

  When Joe was on his bed and needed his brother and sister me and Andrew were both with him. We were both there for him in his last moments when it mattered,  the only thing is that seemed to push us further apart. During the time of us needing family to heal some and get through the hard time me and him were so close. We were holding hands at the viewing and funeral and he was making sure that I was OK since I was pregnant. Then when we were over the shock and basically trying to heal on our own we were distant.

  It as if both brothers are gone. That since Joe left the glue that held me and Andrew together has disappeared. Joe took part of us away with him. I know that he is up there watching as we get more and more distant and wish that we could be the way that we were but I don't see it happen. I feel like there is no way that I will ever be whole again because there isn't that connection anymore.

  I know that my mom tries her best and she can see how split we are but it's just hard. None of us know how to make it all OK again and we know that it will never go back to the way that it used to me, it just can't. Sometimes I wander if the whole in her heart grows more everytime she sees the drift inbetween me and Andrew. My mom is a person that family means everything to her. She already feels that she lost both her boys and I know that makes it harder on her.

   When Joe was here it was even though he was the one in pain he was butting in to stop our fighting and he was the one that told us that we were being immature or that we were being stupid. Sometimes I just wander what will it take to be whole again?