“Toilet Paper Is A Necessity”
It was in Yugoslavia that I learned to drink plum brandy and that I discovered that toilet paper was a necessity of life.
Jon's relatives were very nice people. However, I was sure they wanted to get rid of us when they pulled out the cognac. Now I have been told that there are really good cognac, but I having yet to be served any. It just seems a terrible waste to me to distil white wine into this stuff. Cognac has all the bad properties of poor white wine and none of the good properties of a good whiskey.
After two days of cognac even Jon suggested that we visit his other relatives who were vacationing on the Yugoslav Adriatic coast. And so out of the mountains descended the motorcycle gang from hell.
Wasn't much of gang as Dean's cycle began to run rough at any speed above 30 mph. It's not at all impressive to have a two cylinder, two cycle Russian car pass you going up hill. But...we finally made it back to Ljubljana.
Now here is a real hint. Ride a motorcycle that the locals are familiar with or be prepared to do all your own work. The locals knew lots about BMWs, but they didn't have a clue about Triumphs. The best we could do was an "eine moment" and they would disappear for ten or fifteen minutes. So, we spent the next two days trying to trace the problem ourselves.
We'd work for and hour and then try it out. Work great. Load everything up and start out. Problem shows back up in 10 or 15 miles. This was a very un-fun part of the trip. After two days of trial and error when found that the problem was an intermittent connection on one of the connectors going to one of the coils. Don't you love Lucas Electrics? (I forget most you have never had to ride with them. Let me just say that Lucas is know as the prince of darkness and that Sir Lucas, the owner of the company, is reported to have said that Gentlemen do not drive after dark.)
I drank a lot of plum brandy during this time and I discovered that a bottle of plum brandy falling from the back of a moving motorcycle would not break 7 times out of 10! I assume that it is something like dropping eggs and has something to do with the horizontal vs. vertical motion. If any of you care to try this out, I would be more than happy of help you drink half the bottle (I never tried with a full bottle.)
It was also during this time that I discovered the purity and holy aspects of toilet paper. As you move toward and down the coast of the Adriatic the climate and people become more eastern Mediterranean in nature and aspect. And it was somewhere down here that we began to encounter the "bombsite" toilet in great numbers.
For those of you who have not had the opportunity to travel where the "bombsite" is used, please let me enlighten you to the fact that the US style sit-down toilet is not a worldwide standard. In fact, I would guess that a majority of the people of the world uses the "bombsite" as the standard toilet.
These toilets consist of a flat porcelain fixture level with the floor. In the center of the fixture is a hole approximately eight inches in diameter. On either side of the hole and slightly in front of it are two pads. The user is expected to approach the hole, do a 180-degree turn, pull down the pants (or up the skirt), backup until the feet are on the pads, and then squat carefully to the proper height. The problem is that unless you grew up with these things, it is a little hard to accurately judge the correct position for dropping your load. I think that it was Dean who came up with the term "bombsite" and it seemed appropriate.
Believe me when I say that these toilets are not the place for long contemplative sessions (and I sometimes do my best thinking while sitting). It is also difficult to keep from dragging your pants on the.... porcelain as you squat (I see why many men in some countries wear a skirt type arrangement).
Another aspect of eastern culture is that toilet paper definitely is not furnished.
Now, get the picture...hot weather, "bombsites", no toilet paper. We needed only one more thing to complete this disaster and it took the form of a fountain (spigot really) beside the road. It was hot. The bikes were hot, the leather coats were hot, and we were hot. The road was two lanes. Traffic was heavy. When the roadside spigot came up, we all stopped and soaked in the water. It was great. Cool, refreshing, and only a slightly metallic taste.
Let it be said that my intestines held on for a good hour after we had tanked up. At that point it became necessary to stop immediately. There are few 'public' toilets in Yugoslavia, but severe diarrhea will cause you to forget all about anything but getting your pants down. Jon and Dean thought that the whole thing was very, very funny. They even considered it humorous when I tore up T-shirts to use for toilet paper. They considered it less funny when I grabbed the map and threatened to us it. I exhausted everything we had that could possibly be conceived for use as toilet paper. I even used a few things that could be termed as "highly creative."
It was at this point that God saw fit to complete this comedy of errors. Dean and Jon suddenly discovered that they too had acquired my malady. Fortunately for them, we were passing what might be called a 'public facility.' It had no doors and did not look as if it had been cleaned in years, but then I did say that severe need makes any port look good.
But God was not finished. She saw fit to include the final two aspects of the equation. "Bombsite" toilets and no toilet paper. As I remember Jon just dropped his bike as he ran for the toilet. Dean at least got the kickstand down. I will say, however, that Jon did have his pants down as he cleared the door while Dean was still struggling with buttons on his.
Perhaps it was just as well for Dean that he didn't get his pants down as quickly. Jon planted on foot on the floor pad and attempted a 180-degree spin into position, but discovered too late that the floor was almost as slick as the Yugoslav roads. To put it bluntly, he let go and sat down at the same time. Missed the hole too. Dean actually made it. I was rolling in the dirt.
At this point there was some serious negotiations over the remaining "excess" clothing that could be used for toilet paper and clean up. I was definitely negotiating from a strong point being the only one still standing (so to speak).
And this is how I learned the godly and holy aspects of toilet paper. Thou shalt always carry at least two full rolls of pure white toilet paper on thoust motorcycle. (Eleventh commandment) (Especially when traveling overseas. bottle water is also a good idea TJ)
Well...someone should tell our to be world rider about this as I see that he is no longer reading the group. I was really doing this for him. I have tried to make some of the things that I have seen and learned interesting for him and for you. However, I now have a deadline at work and my next two weeks are going to be 16hour days. So...I'm going to quit for a while. In a few weeks I will ask if there is still interest in my continuing these postings. If there is, let me know and I will go on.
Someone asked if these really happened or if I enlarged on these in any way. They did really happen and I have not enlarged on them. This is what life is really like. None of the thing we call life sitting in front of a CRT all day. Take a motorcycle trip; better yet, take three or four months and take a motorcycle trip in a foreign country. Some of it will be great and some of it will be really bad, but you will live! Don't have an itinerary, don't have a time line. Let it flow and what will happen to you will be a lot like the things I have described. They're really real man; every damn thing happened just like I have told it. Go see for yourself and as soon as my kids get out of high school, I'll be back out there with you.
Cheers!
Tom Johnson's European Motorcycling
