IHORxxDemonFuel KGBxxIHOR's blog: "thoughts that escaped"

they come through your life thinking they are exactly what you need... and sometimes they are, if only for the moment. we have all had at least one pass through our lives. that one person who thinks that the rest of us owe them something, or everything. that they are somehow deserving of our attention. and maybe for a while they are. we all deserve some attention at some point so why not them? the users, the takers, the manipulators, the liars... parading around through life as if they were born to the priveledge of being loved. we unknowingly enable them to do so... they are everywhere, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, best friends, total strangers... the parade never ends. it is a continuous flow of clowns weaving in and out of our lives... and we let them in every last one hoping that one will finally brighten up the dark hole left behind by the one prior...

without doubt the hardest thing to do is let go. i know you are not ready to give up your socializing, and partying to take care of your family... so why do i feel the need to take care of you? you still have no idea how to treat me with the respect i deserve. no concerns for the things that are important to me. you don't even know me anymore. i am not the same inside i am evolving everyday... but you will never see those things as they happen. you won't even know then one day you look up and say what is different about you? to which i will gladly say EVERYTHING. everything is different about me, you would have known had you been open to me and my needs instead of thinking the world revolved around you... i can no longer be in second place to you or anyone else. i can no longer rely on you, you have broken that faith.

time ticks by with little to show how quickly we flow through our days a routine, a path, a direction always the same for awhile a random turn and life changes brings something new your way how long does the shiny last before it dulls to routine how long this bend in the road how much time floats by while we wait

words drip like poison from lips dead to me... how dare you try to change my mind to convince me of your pain... you have no concept of the damage you do everytime you speak. lies and manipulations shroud you seeps through to your core such are my expectations of you the guarantees of heartache the certainty of misery the surety of pain

this cuts deeper then you will ever know. your selfishness and pride is preventing you from ever knowing the two greatest treasures ever bestowed upon you. all you want to see is me lashing out, i assure you that is not the case. me lashing out would be her in a hospital bed or worse. this is me protecting the things i love the most. but you don't want to see that. you think it is still all about you. it isn't anymore, now its about those two. those two beautiful innocent shining faces. the untarnished love that fills their hearts is being tossed to the side... and for what? they are a joy you will never know if you continue along this path... you break their hearts everyday. family is so much bigger than just you and me. how dare you think it otherwise. how dare you think you can just walk away and everyone be OKAY. WE ARE NOT OKAY!!!!! but you don't care...

forgive my hesitations,and the doubts that lay upon my shattered heart. trust that once was given freely has been ripped from me by anothers' lies. anger, and sadness have tainted the things within, dulling the things without. these petty emotions, and doubts i wish gone daily, they prevent me from taking a chance. they perilize my psyche, constricting the joy in the most basic of needs... your touch.... i do not ask you to understand, only to bear with me through my tribulations, if you can...

i don't always understand life's twists and turns... why did someone else get the attention that should have been mine? why do i suffer still from the jealousy of it? why can't you make it better, take the pain away? why couldn't my love be enough? why does this hurt so much? why do all the little things make the difference now, when the bigger things have been resolved? why do i resent the fact that someone else got the shiny things, when i ASKED for the practical ones? why was i never surprised with random little presents, even though frugality was my soap box? why could i never tell you that my heart wanted those things sometimes... a poem or a card just randomly left for me somewhere? none of this should have mattered, but it does. why all the little things? why do they hurt the most?

every day it's the same... i wake to find i didn't sleep. i didn't sleep, because my mind won't shut up. i scream inside for peace and quiet that never comes. for just a moments respite. i think that is all i do... i think of the friends i haven't seen in years, i think of my kids and how i can keep them safe for just a little while longer. i rage at the things that have been done to innocents, i weep for the things i have lost. i hate my dreams anymore they are forever sliding down the dark side of life, hah that is if i even dream at all. i just want to rest my mind, to have it quiet again... to not have so many things to think about or do, and just a little time to do nothing at all... the electricity moves through me constantly, just can't seem to rest. when will it slow down? does it? gone... gone... gone...

when one door closes another opens.... what happens if i don't walk through? what happens if i do? what is this fear gripping me? why can't i work past it? i want to walk forward and can't. i find that part of me wants to leap part of me wants to crawl don't want to make the same mistakes.... i don't want to be afraid... i want my life i want my freedom i don't want to feel responsible, but i do.... what is happening to me.... i need to be in control... just for a little bit. i need to remember what confidence feels like.

i have learned a lot from you who i can trust, who i can't... i can't trust myself... i make bad decisions... i can't trust you... your decisions are worse.