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i pray that my children are safe throughout their day. that they never know the pains i have survived. i pray that happiness follows them everywhere they go because they deserve to know what happiness is. they deserve the chance to live life without the repercussions of mine. i pray that their hearts are ever filled with love and that they use it to do good things.


i pray that i am always going to be exactly what you need AND what you want. i pray that you respect me the way i respect you, that we will always work together. i pray that the lies, harships and heartaches i journeyed through just to get to where you are lie behind me. i pray that the trust i've given to you is not misplaced.


i pray that i will always remember the life that defines me. that i will continue to forgive the hurts that have slowed me down and the people that inflicted them. i pray that each new day brings peace to my life and the lives of those around me. i pray that i continue to make GOOD choices for myself, my kids and my love. i pray for the strength to get back up when i get knocked down and the wisdom to know that my choices are what led me down the path that tripped me up. i pray for the courage to take responsibility for my actions and the patience to accept the outcome.

i follow your lead. you are my soul. i know this. i couldn't belong to another as completely as i belong to you. maybe i shouldn't give you that knowledge but it seems only right that i do. if we are to have complete trust then i have to trust that you will not take advantage of me, but that you return the trust and faith.  i know that together we will be invincible.  nothing and no one can tear down all we create because our strength together is undeniable and undefined.  i believe this with every ounce of life i possess. the only question i have is do you trust me? do you trust me to surrender yourself completely to me? or does your need for control prohibit you from having that faith? as survivors we have learned to rely only on ourselves but if that's true then we have no true trust.  you said it exactly as it is via text a couple weeks ago.  we're strong only because of our stubborn will to prove others wrong.  i don't want to be strong alone, i want to be strong with you.  i want to build you up as you build me.  unshakeable, unstoppable, unwilling to give up or give in.  i want to be bonnie to your clyde.  i want us to move the world, to turn it on its head.  i know we can, i've put my hand in yours i've given to you ALL of me.  can you do the same?

i can feel the violence burn hot and low 

the darkness in me fighting to emerge...

and here i sit in the center of sin

the wasteland for all degenerates.

it fuels the demons that lie

curled about my soul.

how to stay the blood lust

that lurks within...

i wander the ends of the earth
looking for what i've found here,
my new addiction...
i follow my heart to this place
the wasteland of all mankind
to find that i am not alone
that there is a mirror to my soul here.
that one face that reflects back
my very darkness
the violence of my being
brought rushing to the surface
and in him i see
my own destruction

why have you returned a daily part of my life.

you only add to it a new found confusion.

a connection i thought lost to me forever

one so profound that i drew strength from it once.

then poof gone in a haze of obscurity fading from

my life, to recover your own i know yet still it lingers


why now, why this way?


push pull

ebb flow

win some lose some

always balanced

you have lost your ever loving mind if you think i'm your baby.  if you think a few words and a term of endearment is all it takes to win my heart you are f*&*^ng insane.  don't call me baby unless you are ready to prove it.

and cheap talk via the internet is probably NOT the best way to do so.  you say you miss me that all you want is me that you can't live without me then i say PROVE IT.

and if you already have well then you know who you are.

One of my favorite lines is from Tombstone when Doc says my hypocrisy only goes so far tossing his badge at the feet of Wyatt Earp.

Why are we such hypocrites?

Why can we know a thing is right and tell anyone who will listen that they would be better off if they just did it this way when we as advice givers are unwilling to do it ourselves?

How many times have you held a girlfriend and told her she would be better off without him in her life, yet you are were unwilling to leave your own wounded relationship?

How many times have you told your buddy you wouldn't put up with such a controlling bitch only to go home and suck up to your own woman?

Is it some sort of warped nirvana?  Are we settling?  Do we think we're so invincible that we can survive the very same situations we tell others to run from?

I don't understand our twisted thought processes.

I choose to make a conscious effort to shed my hypocrisy, and I am finding it an extremely difficult thing to do.  I feel better for it, but for the life of me is it hard.

"Do as I say not as I do."  How many times did we hear this as children?  It is a lot harder to follow ones own advice with action than it would seem.

My path is a straighter course for this decision just a lot longer and straight up hill at a very steep incline.  My mantra "i do as i say, you do what you do"

I would still like to know the why of human duplicity though I doubt I'll ever find it.




Duty is a binding allegiance to those ideals that we hold most dear.  It is the most chafing bond we wear.  It is a multi-faceted claim upon our being.  Only to be broken down in context by individual limitation.  We are bound as individuals to bring to the world a unique perspective and make that voice heard so others have a guideline, a basis for comparison or a counter introspective to their own individualism.

As a woman these duties have clear definition yet no line of distinction.  I am bound by womanhood to be strong for all those who look up to me or to me for comfort, encouragement, definition of self, independence and leadership.  I determine what people see and it is my duty to present the best possible example of all the things beautiful and strong about being a woman.

I am bound by marriage to be the rock that my husband can lean against in his struggle for balance.  Man’s duty being vastly different yet uncannily the same to our own.  I am bound to him in law and in promise to make a better world.  I am responsible for the vows made to him, as he is to the vows made to me.  I am duty bound to be at his side through all manner of event or situation.  My strength of character is the single greatest gift I can give to my husband.  It is MY duty to persevere as an individual and as a woman, because these traits are the direct counterpoint to balance the scales within the marriage itself.  We as a couple are duty bound as the role models for those looking for the answers and to ourselves.  Can our individual duty to self accommodate these needs?  Can we find a middle ground in this social responsibility?

I am bound as a mother to mold my children into responsible humans, yet there is so much more.  My duties to them are the most involved.  They must see not only me as I am an individual, but as a woman and a wife and a mother.  They must know the roles that we play in the social make-up of our world and know still that our world is comprised of so many unique wonders.  It is my duty to them I feel most keenly.  I am THE role model to the youth.  My knowledge and experience the basis for their growth.  These bonds do not chafe they are what define me.

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