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demons n degenerates

i can feel the violence burn hot and low 

the darkness in me fighting to emerge...

and here i sit in the center of sin

the wasteland for all degenerates.

it fuels the demons that lie

curled about my soul.

how to stay the blood lust

that lurks within...

i wander the ends of the earth
looking for what i've found here,
my new addiction...
i follow my heart to this place
the wasteland of all mankind
to find that i am not alone
that there is a mirror to my soul here.
that one face that reflects back
my very darkness
the violence of my being
brought rushing to the surface
and in him i see
my own destruction

unanswered

why have you returned a daily part of my life.

you only add to it a new found confusion.

a connection i thought lost to me forever

one so profound that i drew strength from it once.

then poof gone in a haze of obscurity fading from

my life, to recover your own i know yet still it lingers

why?

why now, why this way?

 

wax and wane

push pull

ebb flow

win some lose some

always balanced

not your baby

you have lost your ever loving mind if you think i'm your baby.  if you think a few words and a term of endearment is all it takes to win my heart you are f*&*^ng insane.  don't call me baby unless you are ready to prove it.

and cheap talk via the internet is probably NOT the best way to do so.  you say you miss me that all you want is me that you can't live without me then i say PROVE IT.

and if you already have well then you know who you are.

hypocrisy

One of my favorite lines is from Tombstone when Doc says my hypocrisy only goes so far tossing his badge at the feet of Wyatt Earp.

Why are we such hypocrites?

Why can we know a thing is right and tell anyone who will listen that they would be better off if they just did it this way when we as advice givers are unwilling to do it ourselves?

How many times have you held a girlfriend and told her she would be better off without him in her life, yet you are were unwilling to leave your own wounded relationship?

How many times have you told your buddy you wouldn't put up with such a controlling bitch only to go home and suck up to your own woman?

Is it some sort of warped nirvana?  Are we settling?  Do we think we're so invincible that we can survive the very same situations we tell others to run from?

I don't understand our twisted thought processes.

I choose to make a conscious effort to shed my hypocrisy, and I am finding it an extremely difficult thing to do.  I feel better for it, but for the life of me is it hard.

"Do as I say not as I do."  How many times did we hear this as children?  It is a lot harder to follow ones own advice with action than it would seem.

My path is a straighter course for this decision just a lot longer and straight up hill at a very steep incline.  My mantra "i do as i say, you do what you do"

I would still like to know the why of human duplicity though I doubt I'll ever find it.

 

duty

Duty

Duty is a binding allegiance to those ideals that we hold most dear.  It is the most chafing bond we wear.  It is a multi-faceted claim upon our being.  Only to be broken down in context by individual limitation.  We are bound as individuals to bring to the world a unique perspective and make that voice heard so others have a guideline, a basis for comparison or a counter introspective to their own individualism.

As a woman these duties have clear definition yet no line of distinction.  I am bound by womanhood to be strong for all those who look up to me or to me for comfort, encouragement, definition of self, independence and leadership.  I determine what people see and it is my duty to present the best possible example of all the things beautiful and strong about being a woman.

I am bound by marriage to be the rock that my husband can lean against in his struggle for balance.  Man’s duty being vastly different yet uncannily the same to our own.  I am bound to him in law and in promise to make a better world.  I am responsible for the vows made to him, as he is to the vows made to me.  I am duty bound to be at his side through all manner of event or situation.  My strength of character is the single greatest gift I can give to my husband.  It is MY duty to persevere as an individual and as a woman, because these traits are the direct counterpoint to balance the scales within the marriage itself.  We as a couple are duty bound as the role models for those looking for the answers and to ourselves.  Can our individual duty to self accommodate these needs?  Can we find a middle ground in this social responsibility?

I am bound as a mother to mold my children into responsible humans, yet there is so much more.  My duties to them are the most involved.  They must see not only me as I am an individual, but as a woman and a wife and a mother.  They must know the roles that we play in the social make-up of our world and know still that our world is comprised of so many unique wonders.  It is my duty to them I feel most keenly.  I am THE role model to the youth.  My knowledge and experience the basis for their growth.  These bonds do not chafe they are what define me.

push and pull

your direction means nothing to those around you.  they will push and pull and maneuver and twist the variables for their own ends.  you will be the fulcrum the little  red flag  tied in the middle.  if you step to far one way the losing team will let go and while you have fallen on the side of the winning team you have still fallen.

tread lightly your path ever vigilant of the things that attach themselves to your well being.

Death Ride

He is the taker of souls

and defender of mine.

This, the Ride eternal,

is always a whisper away.

Dancing with the Jester,

how oft we miss his sleight of hand.

Caught in his gaze

never suspecting that Death awaits.

Always and ever the dance of Fate.

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