Kitten's blog: "This shit is too crazy to be true"

I got a wicked Kidney Infection kickin my ass the past few days guys, I know i made plans with some of you but bah....Plus for some fucked up reason bubble baths make them worse, i knew that and did it anyway... like the one time i take one in years and ...well bah.

I been feeling very very bad today, cant move, my colds coming back..never really got rid of it. anyways i suddenly woke up a few mins ago like someone had punched me in the face...dunno why, there was no large sound or anything and found mom on the floor in the living room. She tries to walk around when she shouldnt and wont let us know. She fell on her chest and face inches from the fireplace. Luckily it didnt rip her feeding tube out her stomach or jam the trakia in her throat farther back or anything. Since she cant talk anymore this weekend or later today im gonna buy a whisle and put it on a necklace so any time she gets up, she'll have to wear that, so at least we'll know when she falls.

I cant control my stress and today im alone with mom. She wont listen to me and wants to decorate and refuses to lay down...Shes not absolutly no stength to walk today, so i've been trying to carry her all over. And she has a bell that she rings when she needs our help...she wont ring it and i keep finding her in the floor when i check on her cause she wants to do something simple...like find a magazine. I know people say im not a horrible person for the way i react. . . but im alone today and my shoulder is killing me so bad and i slipped up and screamed at her. I told her i hoped she fell because i wasnt gonna go help her anymore. I know she just wants things clean and stuff but i got all the laundry going, im folding it all, doing dishes, trying to clean up, and now she wants the christmas decorations up. So im gonna get off here for a while and go drag those out, i feel terrible for screaming, and i did go back and get her out of the chair and walk her to bed...So i cant buy her anything for christmas, anyone got any ideas of things i could do for her..something special, other than the usual following her around the house and waiting on her. With no job, no money so im outa ideas heh. I think im gonna go all out this afternoon putting stuff up, i hope that cheers everyone in the house up, no one around here is havin a good season heh but for those that talk to me on the shout box, im sorry i never reply, im just never in the room when i am here. I'm sorry i really am, i hope you understand, but anytime your on say hi and if i am there i promise i respond if i see it. Love you guys, your the best, hope your having a good week.

Mom got into the morphine, er well dad gave her it, and let her take to much so she would feel...not just good, really good. so tonight im stuck here taking care of someone i cant lift, found that out a lil while ago. The new company taking care of her shipped all her meds for the month over by mail...my dad being the damn druggy he is got excited. He didnt hesitate to count all the pain meds like the morphine and other stuff to be worth over 2 thousand dollars worth...This is gonna be intresting. I can tell this isnt gonna work...It was hard enough keeping the other stuff hid when she only got her stuff by the refil. We'll see how the rest of the night turns out since as hard as i tried i couldnt get my sis to pull her ass outa bed to get my mom off me so we could get off the floor. Bah

Since mom went in and got help Hospic droped us. wont take us back, Heartland is similar and is taking on the case...They may be better, they will come by like 3 times a week and actualy maybe take care of her, I just gota move out. My grandmother insisted on taking mom to a hospital and all, wouldnt take no for an answer which is ok it probably saved her life, but all our help left us, and this new one come along is great...I just wish i had a job when they're trying to force me to move out, and my car is still broke...I dunno whats goin on

Mom is coming home today, on her way anways, and i got a call from home health care supply. Medicade dropped us again and they showed up while we were gone yesterday to take away her hospital bed and suction machine away. Lucky we were not here, but they just called and informed me they are coming again, im gonna have to refuse to answer up, because they wont listen to reason when i told them its being covered by hopsice, and why would you just take someones suction machine away when she requires that to live. I swear nothing you say ever makes a difference and i know its their job but how can you look at someone and say its ok if your lungs are gonna fill up, your dieing anyway this is just faster. and you can sleep on the floor I HATE PEOPLE . FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU BASTARDS. I'm gonna become a nurse one day and when you start dieing im gonna stand over you and kick you in the head.

Well its obvious mom was doing very bad this month, Friday she got very bad off and it was crazy, i had to stay by her most the night and Saturday They put my mom Rockdale hospital. I got done with the roofing and siding job i was doing, didnt make enough for any of my bills but oh well, Today i went and visited my mom in the hopsital, She was doing a little better, but anyways they told me she had a absus in her right lung that was horrible, they need to take her right lung out to fix it, but with her being a cancer patient the hospital wouldnt approve it, because shes gonna die anyway, so she'll be coming home tomorrow or the day after with stuff they will put her on to try to help it. So im home tonight. And i was wondering, i know people being nice wouldnt tell me even if it was true, but I think somethings wrong with me...My BF wont let me near him, or even attempt to do anything sexual, whats wrong with me? Someone tell me, i cant take this.

Why do friends have to talk you outa things you wanna do that may or may not be right. I'm sorry El' as of right now i still have full intentions. Amanda cant keep me locked in her room forever, they're will come a day i will go through with it.

Family should understand. You do everything for someone, but others dont understand the situation. I understand my grandmother is worried about her daughter and dont want to except shes dieing. But you dont take care of her, and for the love of god dont criticize me for accepting it. So now im stuck with trying to explain to someone that refuses to listen, and wont even go in the next room to talk. First off, im not gonna speak of this in front of my mom, but she and i know shes getting alot worse and when all her doctors dismissed her a few years back and if shes on hospice they know. now my grandmother is on a mission to get her taken off and put her in the hospital to try to do everything they can to fix her, even though they know you cant, shes had the best people there is, and we cant pay for all the work if shes removed from her care takers now, this makes no sense, why wont people listen to me, you can hate me for not doing a damn thing. And call me a dumbass and a slut like everyone else, but you come and tube feed her 5 times a day, and clean and change her, and give and organize her meds three times a day and change her trakia out, and suction out her lungs. Yeah im lazy, i cook and clean up after 4 people, that hate and call me names and then go out and try to find another job. And im sure you'll read this on one of my sites, so bite me cause your not my family i've told you before, we may be related but anyone that refers to me as the way you people do dont matter. But i got a roof job im continueing this weekend, maybe somone can get their head out their ass and stay around here to help while im gone. I swear you people make it impossible...

I been leaving home alot cause i couldnt stand my house, i mean i may have stayed at home one night or a few during the month. I could deal with work or i could deal with home. Now im outta a job, im doing some construction on the side, but i been sick so i couldnt go out. I been at home alot, its very weird, but i got back able to take care of my mom, Shes droped to maybe 80 lbs again, and shes got blood in her lungs and leaking really bad all the time from her feeding tube, and the past week, i've been able to go in there without loosing my head and giving her most her feedings, changing her, cleaning up. She has alot of ups and downs so i cant say she may be close to actualy passing away this time, but it seems like it, which isnt a bad thing, shes in hell and it would be a good thing. But i fed her and did all her meds for a while now and i even sat down with her a lil while ago and talked to her for a few hours, it was nice. Now I gota just find an ax to hit my dad with at work so he'll stop with the dumbass remarks. pleople can be so cruel. But i'm finaly getting over my two week cold so huzza for me.