Ms Kate's blog: "This is my reality"

Have you ever.... Left one morning thinking its just another day. You have a good morning regaurdless of the constant fights you've endured the past 3 months and the daily stress of living in the world. You look at the day as an opportunity and a gift from God knowing that you woke up and that is something to be thankful for. And even thought the last thing you want to do is go home and fight. In the back of your mind the only thing you want to do is be home and see that one person who you'll spend half a life time knowing. So, you rush home you run in the door because that Caramel coffee drink from starbucks is kickin in... you kick off your shoes and run to the bathroom. Not aware of anything else. The puppy runs up looking kinda out of sorts and overly excited to see you. And then you look into the shower and realize his bodywash and scrub brush are gone... and you know. You dont want to get up, you dont want to think but you already know in your heart what just happened. You bolt into the living room and its all gone the sofa the lamps the tv... all reminders of him. All reminders of you home you made togeather. Then as tears and floods of anger hit you like a ton of bricks... you slowly walk to the back and look into the bedroom. As you look in the bedroom its nothing but shock and more anger and more hatred. The bed you've slept in gone. And its tore up. Clean clothes all over the floor because there is no more dresser, the life the love that once filled the room it all the sudden looked like your in the wrong house. The phones are disconneted... and your life is gone. What you breathe what you sleep is gone just like that. In a matter of hours. Everything you've fought for in the past 4 1/2 years just gone like it never happened... Well, it happened to me. And still its not a reality. This blog is my reality but it hasn't hit me yet. He is gone and whats even crazier is that I again by myself have to pick up the pieces he left. Im still waiting for a phone call to explain, Im still looking for a letter that says Im sorry or at least goodbye. Because this "man" was not just my lover and my heart for so long he was my friend and the one I told my heart to. I lost that and it hurts like hell. I know I screamed that I didn't love him and I tryed to be hard and tell him to get out. Knowing that it would have never gotten better... but I didn't realize that he would actually listen to me and leave. I thought that he loved me enough to work through his shit. But I guess he doesn't love himself enough. No matter how hard I try to make him better, no matter how much I forgive him and support him regaurdless of the cheating and lying. I have to let go... So THAT my friends is my reality... Im letting him go. If he wanted to stay he would. If he loved me enough he wouldn't cheat and he wouldn't lie... that is MY reality. I have to be strong. Financially Im fucked... but I have to do me and take care of mine because I know now I can't even partially depend on anyone else in life. I know that love and all the aspects of Karma are on my side because Ive been the woman I should be. Ive been faithful, and Ive been everything I could be. Its out of my hands .... Im so lonley and its so quiet but... My reality is that I have to let him go. I just hope he knows what he has really done.

They pull up their chairs to the table She stares at the food on her plate At the toast and the butter Her father, her mother, she pushes away And they rise in the morning And they sleep in the dark And even though nobody's looking She's falling apart She gets home from school too early And closes the door to her room There's nothing inside her She's weak and she's tired of feeling like this And they rise in the morning And they sleep in the dark And even though nobody's looking She's falling apart They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves And her mother is starting to see through her lies And last night her father had tears in his eyes And they rise in the morning And they sleep in the dark And even though nobody's looking She's falling apart And we rise in the morning And we sleep in the dark And even though nobody's looking She's falling apart

I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of shit Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way

The ancient science of numerology offers insight into the personality by assigning numeric values to names and birth dates, calculating numerological values and then interpreting the results. To calculate the values used in numerology, all digits of a number are first added together. If the outcome is a number with more than one digit, the resulting digits are added together again until they are reduced to a single digit. For example, the number 27 is reduced by adding 2 + 7 to get 9. The number 1974 is reduced by adding 1 + 9 + 7 + 4 to get 21; then 21 is further reduced by adding 2 + 1 to get 3. All numbers are reduced to single digits between 1 and 9 except the special master number 11, which is not reduced in numerological calculations. Letters are first converted into numbers, which are then added together until they become a single digit. The letter A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, etc.; M = 13, which becomes 1 + 3 = 4. For example, the name Amy is equal to 1 + 4 + 7 = 12. 12 is then further reduced by adding 1 + 2 to get 3. Your Numerology Portrait applies the results of several calculations to provide insight into the most important aspects of your personality. Your soul number reveals your inner, private self, the underlying motivations that influence your decisions and actions, your subconscious desires and your most deeply ingrained attitudes. (It is determined by adding the values for the vowels in your full birth name.) Your Numerology Portrait is based on the following calculations: Total for each letter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A=3 B=0 C=0 D=0 E=2 F=0 G=0 H=2 I=1 J=0 K=1 L=1 M=1 N=2 O=2 P=1 Q=0 R=2 S=1 T=2 U=1 V=0 W=0 X=0 Y=0 Z=0 Consonant Total: 11 (65) Vowel Total: 1 (37) Grand Total: 3 (102) Date Total: 5 (14) No Missing Numbers First letter is K First vowel is A Your Soul Number is ONE. You are a strong, self-reliant individual who is willing to stand apart from the crowd and act according to your own beliefs and convictions. You have a deep inner sense of authority and of your own power, and you prefer to either work alone or to be in charge, directing and leading others. You have a dominant nature and greatly influence others, even without trying to. Self-sufficient and independent, you are not easily swayed from the path you set for yourself. However, you tend to be proud and unwilling to ask for help when you need it. You also become so involved with carrying out your own will and desires that you neglect to consider others' needs. You inability to cooperate and compromise, and your tendency to be subtly domineering may cause trouble in close relationships. Also, you have trouble accepting any authority and can be rebellious when challenged. Your gifts are originality of thought, the courage to be different and take risks, and a deep core of inner strength.

~~~PLEASE READ CAREFULLY~~~ MY LISTS OF "RULES" 1. I HAVE MAD LUV FOR EVERYONE THAT SHOWS ME LUV AND I WILL DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO GIVE IT BACK. 2. I HAVE A FINACE' THAT I LUV VERY MUCH, AND I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME WITH HIM. YES, WE HAVE OUR ISSUES AT TIME BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN IM GOING TO DISRESPECT MYSELF FOR YOUR PLEASURE 3. IF YOU DIDNT UNDERSTAND #2... LET ME EXPLAIN - PLEASE TALK TO ME, GET TO KNOW ME... IM UP ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT AND ILL KEEP U COMPANY NO MATTER WHAT UR GOIN THROUGH. - BUT DO NOT DISRESPCT ME OR MAKE ME UNCOMFORATBLE IN ANY WAY OR I WILL BLOCK U. - RATE AND COMMENT MY PRIVATE PICS, I LUV TO HEAR FEEDBACK AND LEMME KNOW WHAT U THINK, I MAY EVEN FLIRT WIT U, BUT DONT TALK ABOUT HOW UR BEATIN OFF TO MY SH*T, THATS UR OWN DAMN BUSINESS AND ITS CREEPY ! BOTTOM LINE I AM A WOMAN, I AM MORE THEN A ITALIAN PU**Y. I AM TO BE RESPECTED, AND RESPECTING ME IS KNOWING I HAVE A MAN IN MY BED AND I AM VERY MUCH IN LOVE ! I feel like i really had to get that shit offa my chest, im so sick of the random dudes that dont even have 1 civil conversation with me talk about some nasty disrespectful shit. Even if i did know them like that, its still disrespectful because it says in my profile that i have a FIANCE'. So aint no excuses .... i have my exceptions if u nice enough and can actually hold a intelligent conversation... i dont mind "flirting" with you alittle because u already know the lines and u never cross them... Just had to let it out.....'sigh'.... <3 ya'll ~kate

As I paint my eyes I cover their swollen lids The colors black and green Black because if reminds me of the darkness And Green because I hold onto hope Its color hides the redness. This is my mask This is my cover up I paint my eyes because I want to hide The gripping of my heart The sadness in my soul Your reflection in my pupils, as I look up it stains me Glancing in the mirror, the reflection still there How could there be so much selfishness Those feelings, the pictures of you looking back at me The tears again, I blink them away I reach for my paint again, As I pick the colors I look up Glancing at my reflection, only to see you.

----CANCER ---- The feeling that something needs to change isn't just your imagination. While your aware of certain undercurrents, the bigger part of you is is of afraid of what might happen. Timing is everything and whatever needs to happen, it isn't time yet. At this point all you can do is pay attention and be truthful with yourself. Trusting your emotional responses isn't soemthing they taught us to do in school but thats where the Truth lies. Listen to your inner heart. Its 100% accurate. .... if anyone knows me they know this is creepy N true ...

You tell false words, you speak lies, and you are full of deciet. You see that it hurts but you still do it because you can. You look at me with a blank expression and dont know why, and you never have. You just stand there as confused as I am. Yes, what goes around comes around but im not that type baby. Everyday I hurt becuase of what came my way, but I keep prayin that you will help make it dissapear. I am not your mother and ill never be her so take those shades off your eyes and see the real me in the flesh. Im not your ex or you peace of pussy, Im not the girl at work and im not the one on the corner. I am the woman in your bed, the woman in your kitchen, the woman in your heart and I am strong. There is never an explination and I have accepted that because I had no other choice, or maybe I just choose to hurt myself through you. Maybe im that blind to think you have changed overnight, maybe u are after other things, and u just look me in the eyes and say its different. I have always been ready for your love, but im still searching. This game of hide and seek is running quickly on my soul. I understand what love brings and I accept the time it takes, but then again if your not ready now you never will be because there is nothing else I can give you, you have it all. You want it one day and then take it the next. I have been giving you the chance of a life time but you just decide to keep walking on by, maybe decide to spend a night or two and then move on. You accept when its convienient to you, you are selfish because baby I need from you too. Whatever happened to both giving 100%? You want one second and then dont the next because you are selfish. Do you have your eyes pointed in a different direction ? I have offered the best of myself, I have sacrificed so much for this love of mine, the man in my bed, this man in me. I know its not easy baby, because tears just happen in this love. I view u as a pearl that shines when we complete each other, I never needed anything else in my life. I am thankful for everything you have taught me and the beautiful woman I have blossomed into has been touched with your hand and in the mirrior I see this heart that has been changed forever. I just dont know what will happen tomorrow, baby will you be here like you say, baby will you still be beside me holding me. Will my security be disruppted will I be alone, will I loose it all... I just dont know baby because you dont know and do u care, do u really hurt like u say u do ? What you want and think are secrets, do I even know the man I lay next to, maybe I know him so well that he is a stranger, I will never know anything that isn't told or shown to me. I "just know" because It changes on a daily basis... what will it be tomorrow ? Are u someone else, do you have other intentions that I dont know of, what do you want with me and... Why do tears just happen in this relationship ? Baby why would u want me to have tears ? Why do I feel like the walls are getting small, and why is it that the one person I love the most is pushing on them... I want to know and see, I want the intangable and I want a man who sees me as the woman I am and not some imagined figure that has him hurting me.... I am not that, and I cannot keep being that to you because it is not me baby. I want the best for us, and I want the world but It just seems like you keep taking pieces from that world we have created togeather... I want a man who will always be with me in mind body and soul... I want a good daddy for his babies, and strong man for this wife, that I can lean on when there is nothing left to lean on. I know we dont always see the same, but all I want is a true love that will never end and is stronger then anything we may face. Walking hand in hand not separated into this harsh world. We will never make it if we keep letting it divide us. I dont want to accept that in this relationship tears just happen.. I dont want to accept second best for us baby... does that mean Im going to loose you ? Does that mean that 2 years from now ill still wake up in your arms, or with some other man that will be all those things to me and our beautiful babies... Maybe I wont accept that tears just happen, because why would you want them to ??? So again, what will u do... these secrets in your deepest soul, the truth that I have been looking for since the beginning... what will you do next... or what will u push me to do, or have I already done it ? Because Im tired of 'Tears just happening'.

Slowly Dying inside, grief and pain It will never be the same Cant catch my breath Gasping for air, anything that will come my way Knowing this could be it forever Standing on the other side of the glass watching my reflection, it all plays out I cant stop it, I cant stop you, I cant stop them But watching and waiting Maybe you will stop it, I trusted you to stop the tears But wait, There they are again Streaming down my cheeks, feeling so alone Fear and Anger Squeezing at my heart, it tightens every second im alone Fear of loosing you... Fear of loosing myself Anger and hurt, Hurt is what I feel with this blade Relief and yet again another piece Gone forever, never be the same again It keeps hurting and it keeps reminding me Everything floods back, you and her, him and you and then fear Thinking that things are better, believing you My heart, my soul, my whole life What is it ? What am I, who am I, what am I without you Tearing us apart, it never fails to rip us apart Hanging there, holding on Holding onto what ? Salty tears, I crave that taste on my lips It is life, it is pain.... it is my life and my pain.