Have you ever....
Left one morning thinking its just another day. You have a good morning regaurdless of the constant fights you've endured the past 3 months and the daily stress of living in the world.
You look at the day as an opportunity and a gift from God knowing that you woke up and that is something to be thankful for.
And even thought the last thing you want to do is go home and fight. In the back of your mind the only thing you want to do is be home and see that one person who you'll spend half a life time knowing.
So, you rush home you run in the door because that Caramel coffee drink from starbucks is kickin in... you kick off your shoes and run to the bathroom. Not aware of anything else.
The puppy runs up looking kinda out of sorts and overly excited to see you. And then you look into the shower and realize his bodywash and scrub brush are gone... and you know.
You dont want to get up, you dont want to think but you already know in your heart what just happened.
You bolt into the living room and its all gone the sofa the lamps the tv... all reminders of him. All reminders of you home you made togeather.
Then as tears and floods of anger hit you like a ton of bricks... you slowly walk to the back and look into the bedroom.
As you look in the bedroom its nothing but shock and more anger and more hatred. The bed you've slept in gone. And its tore up. Clean clothes all over the floor because there is no more dresser, the life the love that once filled the room it all the sudden looked like your in the wrong house.
The phones are disconneted... and your life is gone. What you breathe what you sleep is gone just like that. In a matter of hours. Everything you've fought for in the past 4 1/2 years just gone like it never happened...
Well, it happened to me. And still its not a reality. This blog is my reality but it hasn't hit me yet. He is gone and whats even crazier is that I again by myself have to pick up the pieces he left.
Im still waiting for a phone call to explain, Im still looking for a letter that says Im sorry or at least goodbye.
Because this "man" was not just my lover and my heart for so long he was my friend and the one I told my heart to. I lost that and it hurts like hell.
I know I screamed that I didn't love him and I tryed to be hard and tell him to get out. Knowing that it would have never gotten better... but I didn't realize that he would actually listen to me and leave. I thought that he loved me enough to work through his shit. But I guess he doesn't love himself enough.
No matter how hard I try to make him better, no matter how much I forgive him and support him regaurdless of the cheating and lying.
I have to let go...
So THAT my friends is my reality... Im letting him go. If he wanted to stay he would. If he loved me enough he wouldn't cheat and he wouldn't lie... that is MY reality.
I have to be strong. Financially Im fucked... but I have to do me and take care of mine because I know now I can't even partially depend on anyone else in life. I know that love and all the aspects of Karma are on my side because Ive been the woman I should be. Ive been faithful, and Ive been everything I could be. Its out of my hands .... Im so lonley and its so quiet but...
My reality is that I have to let him go.
I just hope he knows what he has really done.
