DoctorJERMx's blog: "this is my brain on...line."

ive sat here on fubar hours and hours at a time for too long.

with myspace and facebook and all the other "social sites" as well.

i have met people in real life via the sites and ive even sold artwork to friends as well. yet...i dont believe i can believe the reality of it all.

i can photoshop a painting or picture to look like "art" but its not human.

a human makes it yes...but theres no paint mess or hands on activity

i have tried to connect with others from online lately and it seems as if that time is gone.

it is too easy to be aloof or a liar on here...just for the sake of being able to.

yet i come back after just a day or 2 haha.

why? who knows.

with people paying to be looked at, given fake gifts, "rated" for points and not a real reason...its not insane, it seems as if its a way to build up a person's self esteem from comments from people most will never know.

i have too much humanity left in me i guess...or maybe i dont want to see myself sucked into the pre-matrix arena.

i dont take insults to heart here.

i dont feel bad if im not a top friend.

no need for a crush or admirer.

although...i would like to find out why i see folks talk about it all just being for fun,yet they'll go nuts if theyre not "accepted" or get ignored.

i changed my entire view of things online.

its not a way to meet people...its a way to see what is happening to the world around.

in a small scale...this is fubar so there isnt much to examine haha.

i have to realize words are just words until they are backed up with action.

action can be taken online too...i have been part of that so i know.

so i guess ive been enlightened in a way.

i have used the internet as a modern communication device.

but im not sure how much has been real or just coded smoke up my ass.

i might be the wrong person for these things.

but....i wont delete my account or completely disband.

i will however remember to use my judgement a little bit more...as a good friend advised me to do as well.

haha and if i do end up finding out this is all the matrix...i'll stay in Zion.

reality is harsh but its also real.

im real to a few people in "real life" but for the most part...im a character...a novelty.

that made my mind snap finally to realize...im not made for the new world order of the internet.

i make music with technologically advanced machines at times but i use my real voice with real beats for real people.

but i can be anti-social in front of a group of people haha.

i dont need this.

true emotions and "bonds" dont work for me here.

at times i wish they did but thats a wish.

and i'd rather wish my epilepsy away then find some wonderful connection online.

im back to who i was...hands stained with paint...voice strained with singing.

heart open and mind open.

if there were any real feelings towards me...there must have been a relapse.

to me...its all personal choice.

its not torturing to seem unwanted online.

hahah...ive been Jerm long before i had the internet.

im a tangable being.

im not someone hiding behind a matrix handle to say what i "really" want to.

i do that daily to whoever...so thats that.

yes yes a great virus eating away at the wonderful economy and social planning of this country.

why? filing for food stamps...working on getting disability...

im one of THOSE people.

looked down upon because i need assistance and im not robbing folks or ripping off people to get it.

im also not lying to get a better piece.

ive had the fcuk up jobs that i worked my ass off at and i was still underwater.

seeing that i have a condition that almost cost the same as rent to keep at bay.

now im practically dead to the world.

if i fcuked up and needed rehab because i was a crackhead with 5 kids...it would be understandable to "help" me.

but since it seems as if nothing is wrong and i have nothing or no one to look after besides myself...im seen as a deadbeat lookin for free shit.

which is bullshit but...alot of society has horrible eye sight and wont get glasses.

i didnt BUY this condition...i didnt obtain it via peer pressure or a need to fit in.

so i say fcuk off to those who would see me as a drain on society for signing up and looking for support because of this health problem.

unless theres some great political or private club i could get into so i'd get the proper health care i need.

maybe the Left could help me?

maybe the Right?

maybe the inbetween?

or maybe just maybe...i will work on getting help for myself and not follow propaganda and opinions to get it.

the dipshits who have an agenda that will SAVE us all...i'd like them to call me.

give me a good reason to support their cause while im here literally losing my mind.

this has nothing to do with politics or my opinion...this has to do with staying somewhat alive to at least live something of a life.

still not blaming my fellow man/woman for my situation either.

and i never will.

last night i wanted to jump in front of a bus.

obviously i didnt haha and i ended up jamming with minus fyder.

the music keeps me alive.

insanity? who fcukin cares?! im alive.

my art work has been declining...my health has been so so yet...its still there.

its time to pick myself up with the full knowledge that its not changing.

i wont have a that "moment of clarity" that some get in life.

ive tried...i fought...i cried...i blamed...i drugged myself...

thinking something would crack and i'd get to be normal.

its not happening haha.

theres nothing i should be ashamed of though...for how many people WANT to be out of their minds, im one who actually is and DOESNT want it.

i wont have to be a tough guy about it. I dont need the image or opinions that make the regular person seem crazy.

crazy is what crazy does!

my brain is medically damaged.

which makes my daily mind follow suit.

there will be no wife..there will be no regular job...there will be no kids...there will be no rat race and weekend bar times to talk about it all.

i wanted all that...but no its not in the cards...so fcuk it.

im one of those crazy fcuks that doesnt have a solid plan or agenda for life.

a virus that just wont give up...

ok none of this is real...i was a fool to deny it.

theres real people on here sure, im one them.

but mostly its puffing out the chest (of both genders)

to show their wonderfulness via html and icons.

i would have to say i have met some good people on here.

but im a moron if i think that this is anything more than a lagging soft porn/bullshit rhetoric site.

the games are great.

some of the djs are awesome.

and thats it.

haha.

so fcuk the emo zombies showing off their new hair and myspace angled boob shots.

the "pure race" recruiters who cant leave the house to do it because of house arrest.

screw the creeps who pay real money just to see a strangers naked pics.

piss off to the mumm creators who spout off their agenda driven explainations

kiss my broke ass to all the attention wh0res who NEED my ratings.

fcuk off to all the internet tough guys who are ready to come "git" me because of my beliefs.

mostly rednecks stuck in barns with free wi-fi.

its like high school with adults haha.

i know i can stay off this thing and let it be but no...i want to play word ace and talk to the few people who talk to me.

and to those who want to knock me out or tell me im shit because i dont fcuk my cousin like they do.

well...they fcuk their cousin so im not too worried.

but if they do indeed want to spend money to come find me...i say the more the merrier!

although i know im just too close to the matrix and i need to remember there IS a spoon.

i guess im not as cocky as some people who think they can wreck someone via fubar.

im stuck at home though...cant find a job..although working to get disability for a REAL condition.

not because the country "owes" me.

or because someone stole it from me.

i will have to say i have met some actual human beings on here though.

top notch men and women who i believe i would have a great time with them in person.

as it stands though...that wont happen anytime soon.

i mean shit..i met my ex on here...and well...shes my ex! haha

im the infection in real life and online.

i pull no punches and i say what i feel.

writing about all of it though does make me realize ive been sucked into this mess of scrolling and "pics" and whatever else makes this place.

so i'll stay around just to stay around for the music, the games and few people i call real friends.

and zang!

i like meeting people online.

then sometimes i just might have a chance to meet them in person.

regardless of distance and financial hold ups.

shaking hands with a guy ive met online from somewhere else is cool as hell.

maybe even doing something productive is even cooler haha.

shows that we're not all talk and text.

but meeting a girl is a whole different story...indeed.

the friendship thing will be there although theres that attraction factor too.

how far will it go?...was it the right decision?...then if all the pieces do fit together nicely...what to do then?

haha...my worries are always there but maybe i just think ahead too much.

shoulda been a cop but i cant stand authority or being one to tell others theyre wrong.

ok so yeah...

i will always have an open mind and as far as to say a foolish heart at times to let someone in...regardless of it being from an online site or in public.

not in a fcukin snap of course but who feels it knows it.

some let their hearts die and the internet is a great way to express that.

mine wont die until i die.

im no bleeding heart hippie but i do give a shit.

unconventional as always and always will be.

there is still a tough road to ride.

always wil be.

taking words personally is just my thing sometimes i guess.

but...good and bad.

im a non-believer who believes in people for the most part.

i chalk it up to experience.

the racists who see me as a "wigger" because i play reggae and have more than just white friends...thats just ideas for new songs.

when they talk about the music they love done by people not of their race...makes me realize they dont have much but propaganda to stand on.

having this condition and how much others dont understand it is another thing.

but i cant blame people for not knowing about it.

although when its seen as a joke...i blame them.

and i will attack them with every horrible word i can think of in fighting back.

because if there are those who believe they are RIGHT about everything they believe.

then they might not want to tell me how right they are about what i believe.

thats just flat out facism, conformist, not punk rock one bit.

thats an open door to the mind of a fool...who thinks they know everything because they think they know.

so yeah...its a tough road to ride.

and i know enough that those who have succeeded in what they are passionate and truly care about have had to deal with bullshitt and lack of support.

but in the end...the ones who stick to their guns will eventually be respected, regardless.

i cant be kept down...if i could i wouldnt be writing.

i wouldnt be singing, i wouldnt believe in what i believe, i wouldnt care about people if i was kept down.

i would hate the world and everyone in it...but i dont.

although by the gods! i dont love everyone either.

haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjGc-IW1FgU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjGc-IW1FgU

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