DoctorJERMx's blog: "this is my brain on...line."

somehow im back again haha

i wasnt sure i could use this anymore since my computer hasnt been working up to par but an infection can only be treated not cured!

although i did feel a bit of relief when i couldnt log in anymore since i actually like to meet people in "real" time even if it starts off from an online anti-social social network. when that DID happen in real life...it ended, not right away but...i have an ex via fubar haha.

out of some strange act of machine and human...i jumped back on here almost to the day i got off! yeesh thats weird.

i did make some friends though and i know one of them has my artwork by her requesting it and we've never met in person yet either so thats awesome.

there are actually a few other folks ive got to know through here that i would love to hang out with still too. so now that i know i can use this crapper again...i have to! muhahahaha

here it is...i have been short and distant towards a certain person over the last 12 days.

no reason why...just because.

it seems that i have changed who i am because i had things to do and didnt disregard them to talk to this certain person.

although...i did talk and pay attention each day, that must have not been enough though.

i have to realize that i gave up information about myself and my life to this person through out the last 3 months.

yet in less than 2 weeks...i am believed to have changed into someone else or something else.

which is complete bullshyt.

and i knew it..i fookin knew it that i would become a novelty once again.

playing the fool and believing someone who never ever never lies or gets upset about things.

well..she lied.

i played the fool.

in a fantasy land of everything going as planned her life will be great.

in reality..it will take a bit more effort and understanding to achieve happiness and balance.

im a real dirtbag...i have flaws...i even have good points about myself.

some girl who thinks she knows everything knows nothing.

another assuming person that manifests whatever they are assuming about me into some grand scheme against them.

paranoia?

needy?

greedy?

or just a liar who thought so much that she didnt see what was in front of her face?

who knows...and who cares?

i should feel bad but i dont..i was once again just that guy who was "soo different than the others"

maybe she was right...when it came to the people she has known but im alot like the people i know.

i call them friends, family, equals.

so yeah the dawning of a new era has shown itself very clearly...

it was only a matter of time before...i became a force to be reckoned with...entirely.

sure the ammo of being a dirtbag living in almost nothing seemed to be a well suited attack at me, but i dont take kindly to morons. soooo...i attack back with whatever sharp thing i can find in my mind.

most of it isnt picked up by accusers and assumers but it is consumed by them like a knife in the neck, they willingly paid for.

all figuratively speaking of course.

i would only physically harm those who would take the time and effort to do the same to me or others that i care about.

yet a few words, a few rumors, a few bags of bullshit arent going to keep me from washing my mind or my hands of certain accounts of mentally inefficiant blows.

i have let it all in...like a broken levvy, i'll hold the water back myself.

but i love to see those waves of anger and 2 bit quips of distain flow at me.

it brings me closer to what i love to do...some sort of reverse psychology goin there but...it works.

i offended a half wit friend last night because i was working on something when he showed up outta the blue at my door and i kept working on what i was doing.

came back in my room within less than a minute and the friend was nowhere to be found.

i was filling up a water can for my plants, which later i found out from his phone call a few minutes later that he wanted to know "jerm,whats up man? what happened?..." hahaha...and laugh is all i could do as a reply.

this person believing i was angry because i was in the middle of something and didnt nurse his ego by stopping my less in 60 seconds task, to sit with him in my own room after he showed up unannounced?!

the poor fool had to deal with me laughing at his upset assumption that i "hated" him haha.

having to apologize for laughing at him , i also told him to never assume that im mad at a person because i didnt give em a hug and drop what i was doing to see how they were.

haha...still i laugh.

after knowing this person is writing an article about how some "art promoters" in this city assume im out for revenge or that i have a deep rooted hate towards anyone doing something im not.

what else will a weak mind assume of me if i dont play the game they play.

im a friend, im a brother and im a son...yes i do get pissed off at the drop of a hat but its usually when someone knocks mine off into the dirt.

but i have learned not to take out a machete and aimlessly start swinging when it just needed to be dusted off from an accidental hit.

these arent hits though.

these persons i have been dealing with arent turning me into the Hulk...their attacks are too limited and always will be.

even when or if said persons, had millions of dollars, built a new Ark and had the blessings of the sun!

i dont care!

i live as i live.

and to have someone completely lose their cool because i didnt grab their hand and shake it like we're in some private club, is just too much of a bad thing.

my paranoia can reach bounds higher than a meth freak running naked down the street at 3 am.

but...not when it comes to simple shit.

not when its just another misunderstanding by a weak mind.

who perceive themselves as "strong willed" or secure in what they trust.

they dont trust anything, if you cant trust yourself, how you gonna trust me?!

im not afraid of saying what i say because i know the ramifications if im lying, if im just assuming, if its all in my head.

i would laugh myself to tears and a shotgun to the head if i acted anyway that some of these people ive been associated with.

im not looking for that ONE TRUTH! or neither am i trying to figure out the world from the inside out.

i am part of the world...as is everyone.

i wont be the one who exclaims...The End Is Near and then wait for it.

and those who do believe the end is near they might want to do what they want to do soon.

the shock value of saying "we're all gonna die" loses its effect when you have been to funerals of loved ones.

when old friends are 6 feet under now.

yes, we are all going to die, unless there are those freaks who believe vampires and the immortal cloning devices are in the works.

but as for now those things are all tv and things to be found out when or if they happen...im alive as me, jerm! and i do believe enjoying what ever shit life that has been given is the way to stay immortal.

no need to run for cover when things arent going as planned even with a few minutes of a well thought out acknowledgement.

i dont care!

actions do speak louder than words and when a person decides to leave my area because i didnt give them their thought out acceptance speach they wanted to hear when they see me, i can easily not care about that person.

it shows horrible lack of character and self worth.

im not part of that league.

i dont want armies of well wishers and BFFs.

i want the people who i care about and those who care about me.

i like paranoid people...i dont like those who assume things.

think of things yes! assuming things?...bad idea, especially when im being assumed of doing something that was thought up, not by me.

to answer my own question with the experiences ive had with learning about infections and viruses...i have to say no, they dont kill automatically.

now since the summer has already begun and the hate mail has been coming in like im bad santa i would say the infection is moving quickly towards the "clean" water supply.

with doing so...the drought is going to be a bitch for alot of people.

if you cant drink the water, you cant hydrate yourself, and since the human body is made of wha?...98% water?!...thats no good for the infected.

hahaha...im being deleted off of myspace, facebook and even fubar from just explaining my views on things.

its a sour taste in the mouthes of the sweet and soft ones who cant drink gatorade or distilled water.

im NOT the winner because there was never any fight...but oh have the been fighting to get at me for a few months now.

almost like last year...almost like the year before.

if im not with them...im against them, simply because i have my own mind.

all be it a disfunctional mind with bouts of maniacal outbursts and over the top arguements...its also a mind of complete sarcasm and unrelenting fire towards those who would try to burn me down.

not a chance will that happen and never will it even come close...unless a flame thrower and napalm is used.

but it never gets that far! haha.

only to the limits of what the matrix provides does the angry masses "attack".

and like Mr.Shadow from The 5th Element..the more you shoot at me, the stronger i get.

i guess i have to give some credit to those who have been coming at me like toothless dogs but only for the reason that i show my broken teeth and snarl at them in public and they run away with their tails between their legs.

im not  tough guy or a mean person.

but when misspelling "writers" and "critics" attack my credibility i turn into the hulk...so maybe thats why i wear clothes too big for me, so i dont rip them.

haha.

i am my biggest critic and worst destroyer of myself.

yet to be "called out" as a third rate artist by people who have artwork of mine in their houses is truly beautiful irony.

if it was all sarcastic i would tell them "ya got me"....but these bottom feeders are trying with vigor to bring me down hahah.

and even so if that did happen via online...they forget that im not a graphic designer or website owner.

i use myself to create.

hands, mind, tangable mediums, thoughts,ideas and imagination!

not html and flash haha.

its almost a joyful experience to know...that if the technologically prepared masses took away everything i can plug in, hit enter on, call or google...i could still express whatever i wanted to on a cave wall!

now that must truly sting those who spend so much time working on learning how to create their own medium to review cavemen artists.

i'll be a fossil people find one day with a can of krylon in the death grip of my left hand.

while they use calculus and science class to figure out what it all means!

hahahaha...

back to sanding!

there is no good way of explaining the backbiting lack of talent and passion that some have been using against me lately.

even those who would confess to being supporters and worthy of being part of the good fight are middle weight to say the least.

with an enormous box of ammunition in my mind to take down anyone who would assume a duel with me, i feel sorry for them.

i feel sorry for the so called friends who are trying to make a story out of my story to enhance their "fan base"

my nephew at only 2 asked for a painting..so i made one for him today.

he's a true ally.

hes family.

hes blood! hes truth!

already stronger in his mind than some who have been projecting their mental girth on me and others.

the sons of a bitches who want to fire at me should take heed and realize to use the entire clip and aim well.

i am still fat but agile and when it comes to mental attacks...im the blob.

from the enemys to the allies..i see a great combining of the 2 lately.

i am not for sale but sweet lord it seems as if im being bid on in this fcuking town as a scapegoat for "creators" with lack of creativity.

a host to the leeches that would crawl around me when i got in too deep and sniffed out my blood as a good place to eat.

but like lice on a pteradactyl they cant touch me.

oh but they swarm and chomp and squirm around feverishly.

my reality is their lack of clarity!

being the old bum at my mum's must truly rub them the wrong way like sandpaper toilet paper...especially because im not using it as a crutch, they are. because for god sakes with all their trials and tribulations of responsibility and success they STILL cant bring me down...thats gotta sting.

alot could have been avoided if i would have not given 2nd chances to those who broke my trust before.

like good old Peter Tosh sang "..if it drop, no one can mend it, cuz if you mend it, you can easily bend it!"

if its broke...its broke! trying to put the pieces back together will never make it the same again.

taunted with personal shots will get the person who yapped it...will get the correct treatment.

the little back biters who believe they can out wit me are comedic, and thats being nice.

to a small mind weak mind, im just a catalog item missing when looked for.

im not in their! haha

now i do believe that if that is the case, in my own opinion...there is no understanding, yet making me a circus freak to them.

some need the degenerates to fill the gaps of the holes of their "open minds".

just as a scientist NEEDS the teachings of Einstein...some underground writers and thinkers NEED to "loser" to finish the book.

pulling the truth out of some supporters or fans..unlocks their real opinions of who i am.

only wanting me for a different and documented view on life.

never wanting to have anything else to do with me especially when i fire back at their eventual profiling of me.

yes me...blah blah...my blogs so fcuking what?!

im becoming sick and tired of the loss of individual ideas and opinions being a acceptable medium when writing or creating something from a single mind!

being fired at me with blah blah nonsense about not living in the correct place, not having what others have, having morals that arent just in need of being cesnsored then being fit to show.

theres no shock value!

there is no place under the sun where i can worship it...even if i was to live in the Mojave Desert i wouldnt stretch myself to the heavens for help or understanding.

yet half ass mother fcukers think that by promoting that while not even doing that is appealing?!

and the list goes on and on and on...

til there is absoutely no sense being made by the publishers of these ideals and thoughts.

because the back fire on THEIR souls is they are full of shit and hypocritical of the entire human race and the rest of the world!

being "called out" for living with family and accused of being useless...only provides these "critics" foddar for their attempts at creating and imagination.

its a sad state of affairs when someone thinks my loony ass is going to take heed to what they say and lose it?! these dog fcukers should realize they only gave me more ammunition and ideas for the monsters and infections i create.

of course i dont want to be hated but its like pouring gasoline on a fire to try and put it out.

it gets bigger and burns the hell out of anything and everyone who was feeding the flames.

woops!

i could listen for days and weeks and years to someone about their annoyances.

yet i realize its not too long before my discontent is hopefully forgotten.

im easily forgotten after my smile has turned to a scowl.

i must be the savior not the equal!

hahah.

that is why im not made for human consumption.

but its too bad i cant keep a persona of slappy the happy clown.

that is why it doesnt take long to lose interest in me.

if im not happy about how things are...and  i express that...i am put on the no fly list.

i have been a go to guy for listening and "understanding" others' lives...but when it comes to my ordeals, its just ugly and unwanted.

so be it.

once again the novelty...not important enough to be a chance at someone else's reality.

I was browsing the web and came across this really fantastic artist who blew my mind with his level of depth and emotion. The technique really gave insight into the fact that this cut and paste artist has been pushing boundaries not only within himself but art as a whole. It took me awhile to process everything with this piece, but after I did I left a new person. Take a look to see what I am referring to. This is the type of piece that puts a warm spot in all Hello Kitty fans and fans of progressive art in general. This art is beyond what you would call sacred, it basically shits on anything I have ever seen in my life. When art reaches this level I know that humanity has reached the finish line.

Sorry for the sarcasm, but in all seriousness, add this artist if you still use MySpace, his creations are just as needed in this contemporary art world as Dali or Klarwein.

http://www.myspace.com/drjermx

“[...] you’re just a butter knife, i’m a machete [...]“

i think im going to write for myself haha...but i was asked or propositioned to add my "opinion" and "style" via blog sites.

yeah it was a few days ago but this will be a few days ago later on...although now i think of it more...ive been yappin and rambling on for years on blogs...that came with the site haha.

not a strictly "blog site"...thats why i think about it as a possibility...it only has one thing in mind WRITBLOGS! hahaha mother of gods and satan's kids!

with all the seriousness that has become the new anti-social journal over the years is fcuking insanely hilarious to me, being ASKED to write for someone else's "personal blogsite" hahaha quotations quotations....

being told by each blog promoters....that i took down part of the city by blogging about what was happening currently at the time...using my own opinion  with factual information attached for that opinion to be there!

and now! im asked to write for 2 people i broke in half when they fcuked me over and others...with words??

opinions are like assholes dot dot dot.

so why ask for mine as an ongoing thing at that?

the foolishness of believing writing blogs and other comments,status reports and whatnot, will get a person published and that will suffice?!

even after actually TALKING to these persons...it got worse, in my opinion haha.

bullshit reh-tard thinking of just getting attention in the easiest medium possible  currently at these times...is going to be "enough" with writing down personal feelings in a i guess "creative style"?

i think the point im just going over again is..it wasnt creative it was what i was thinking and feeling, even when i act like a dipshit...its all just me.

it makes me want to do a children's book!!

the way i write or want to write or say what i say is from THAT!

not that because i loved reading Dr.Suess i see everything like the Grinch now hahah

the fact that creative and artistic mediums used to teach and form opinion and personality via imaginative writing...made my brain make these weird infections and be able to laugh at everythng BUT reality.

if someone is a liar...they get a name like Meemer Rat and is called that still today.

hahah

so why the fcuk do these attention whores who lack individual imagination want to "hire" me to say something??!

cuz they dont have shit to say or for that matter to even think up!

yeah yeah its the internet...im on a  blog writing a blog about blogs.

but that is exactly why i believe its a personal thing...with the option for others to observe if they want to.

i never really put much thought into people "reading" my opinions but so what?!

if i can type and write on here that i am impatiently wanting to meet a lady i met online...then thats really all that needs to be known...to me? to her? to whoever it means something to someone but in no fcuking way am i writing it to get a rise out of people or have folks come see life through my eyes.

now if i do a book then i would want people to read and see it.

but a blog is not a book!

its not a piece of art...its not the end all to certain subjects.

and for having at least one of these people being upset that i told him most of what i wrote in person haha...it shows my morals and how much i dont give a shit about what most people on THE NET find lovely and click.

yes i write and say how i feel...but that doesnt mean im special although it is being worked on with SSI hahahha.

it means im an asshole with an opinion about my reality that i write down err type down whatever.

sitting here listening to Ray Charles in a dark room at 3pm and mostly being online to talk to someone i would like to see in person...i dont need to get creative about it.

hahah..its there...in my head my ear my eyes on a fcuking blog.

who in their right mind would want to have all that on an IMPORTANT BLOG SITE??

hahah...

anyway LADY call me!

how ironic it is...to think im working on becoming part of the medical marijuana society in more ways than just being "medicated".

on the 215 prop...Epilepsy was one of the 3 main medical reasons to have legalized marijuana.

im an epileptic...so i voted for it.

now...after years and years im on my way to further my experience to shed light on the benefits of medicinal marijuana for those with epilepsy.

not to forget about having the condition, not to "switch" everyone with the condtion to use it either!

to promote awareness!

of the condition and what is available to help remedy it.

there has been so many people with "back pain", "insomnia","anxiety" that NEEED it...yet there are also those who have more severe medical conditions that have been shown to have great success with medicinal patients.

not only does it help the pains and the bad effects of certain conditions...it also helps educate those who have no clue what some patients are afflicted with.

knowledge!

sympathy!

understanding!

medication!

hopefully i can be one of those people using his own experience to help others not feel so bad...be it physically and/or mentally about what they have.

we're not retarded!

we're not deadbeats!

we're not making shit up!

maybe the more i work at it i'll be able to make "healthy" people understand that.

its not a reason to get high...its a reason to get better.

without the stigma and ignorance of others.

yes....DOCTOR JERM will be more than just a pen name soon come!