DoctorJERMx's blog: "this is my brain on...line."

for sympathy.

i also wasnt asking to have my condition downplayed to a lack of dental care.

this condition aka epilepsy has been a monkey on the back of my brain since i was 17.

im almost 34.

its a fcuking concern to me if i like it or not.

i have to deal with it...others may have to see it happen to be concerned.

but then again...i would end up feeling bad for them having to experience seeing me under control of an incurable condition that makes me literally lose my mind for more than a few minutes each time.

there for losing time off my life with each "episode".

however much brain damage has happened im not certain.

i will make sure that this condition is no big deal to some...even if they "know" me.

i will make sure that whenever another side effect or "episode" happens...i'll keep it to myself.

so i dont waste someone's time with my not so attractive parts of my life.

its a good thing to know that even when i hear certain things that the hypocrasy bleeds through like a stuck pig.

i give a shit if someone is sick and just needs some rest and medication of sorts to feel better.

i will remember that some people have a "hard time feeling bad" about me having epilepsy.

im not mad about it..thats just how it goes.

those who act so concerned about another yet when something is actually a concern yet doesnt directly effect them...its no big deal.

ok.

.

ok..my head is going wild.

the little things that kill is whats happening i guess.

small talk..big words.

first of all last night...haha oh man...i get a hippy girl saying how "free" she is and how enlightened she is...after she listens to my friends brother and i talk.

such a free spirit that tries not to swear because its just bad.

or is "one" with the earth all the while drinking,smoking and getting ready to get in her SUV to go check out nature.

of course im a monkey wrench in her thinking and talking because i wasnt hailing the sun god while spinning in circles singing organic songs.

how great it must be to be stuck in an area like the mountains with the freedom to believe..."its all gonna be ok" because theres nothing but bears trees and hippies to talk to.

im not one of them...i never was and never will be.

even when i lived in the mountains i loved where i was but didnt cloud my mind with false ideals and fortune cookie rhetoric.

of course i scared her...even though i stood far enough away that any physical fears were impossible.

it was the way i disagreed or was just a out spoken person that doesnt believe trees can talk.

"thats terrible"...she exclaimed after hearing about some of my friends,brother and i's home videos we made...because we seemed so vulgar and crude from our public displays of nonsense.

the sidewalk doctor and i stayed behind as the rest of them went to smell flowers.

in that organically fueled SUV and a natural drink they call BEER from the store.

then i get hassled by the guy at 7-11 because i was using my EBT card.

a power trip for reasons unknown.

asking if it was counterfite...telling other costumers that i was using an ebt card cuz i didnt have money.

no way to pay..with a pig standing around waiting for his free coffee and donuts!

but i was the one to be harassed because i was trying to pay for food with a social service approved card.

im "lower" than people and the other people in the store had to know that.

in all...i was denied using it...NOT because i had no money on it...or NOT because i wanted smokes for it.

because the clerk that has bothered and hassled me before...couldnt work a machine that was available and working....yet had to give me the run around and say it was broke and he couldnt fix it so i had to figure out how else to pay.

bullshyt bumbaclot lickin piece!

trying to embarass me...but failed terribly.

now im going to talk to the boss about being discriminated at his store becuase i was using a state law approved medium for food.

i wonder how anti-socialist that ISNT haha.

i should have asked the cop what he thought about it but...i didnt want to be harassed again by a pig because i talked.

if im a drain on society so are the police..seeing that they are social servants and are paid with taxes by good hard working folks.

small talk IS what this whole "place" is based on...yet that small talk can turn into nightly,dayly,monthly and maybe sometimes in person talk.

not much haha but i still do believe in the connection between 2 people regardless of the matrix style set up of ananimity (sP?).

in fact...small talk in person with people already known can get "deep".

or it can lead to small little facts and fiction.

talking about the past with someone can lead to them speaking about a past person who is currently making up shit of another.

hhaahah i feel like i need to laugh typing this because i realize that i am trying to be vague to myself right now.

but its the nature of the drug and the brain! ya ya

the person who assumed new "leadership" or whatever high regard they would like to be mentioned as...the art exchange.

i quit the fcuking event because of the bullshitting and horrible need for attention by those who had not much to show for besides a name!

mother fcukers actually think im stupid because i have epilepsy..still?!

which is why im wrting right now!...because of that little squirt of a woman who is now telling her ex husband my ex copartner in the art exchange, that im causing my epilepsy!

that i created it?!

but she is running the art exchange now after a year hiatus for no good reason than she didnt create a fcuking thing but a dipshit looking sewn purse and no character dolls.

now theres god damn rumors going around about me...in downtown Riverside!

i feel like going to her house and waking her up with spray painting her car with my kryon, singing Lady GaGa shit! haha not that i know any lyrics or melodies but that would be fun for the whole family.

i quit...i gave up after a year of lack of help and pretty much lack of passion for art by my co-partner and owner of the venue.

so fcuk that anyway...they all have multiple paintings of mine in all of their houses and establishments!

that i gave them! because i was honored that they appreciated my work...it was a show of gratitude and friendship.

but i guess its old hat for these successfully unsuccessful "artists".

so im now the asshole that walked away from my own art event and now is known to have made up my incurable and random condition.

thats why i talk the thruth...regardless of who im going to offend with it or upset.

but with something TRUE (i.e. the truth)

opinion is was thing...everyone has one.

but there is only one truth in people.

some folks with inform another with seemingly confidential information about another in small talk...then the confidential "true" information is relayed back during small talk.

(it makes sense to me...if anyone is reading this)

being told i need to get out more.

after hearing an old respected past friend is going around "out more" telling people im a creator of my own condition that others have which they havent created or made up.

theres a good reason why i stepped back.

i should have known already that these things were being said ASAP when i stopped coming around.

with these certain people at least...the ones i disbanded from because of my viewing of their bullshitting ways.

yeah...im a fcuking god cuz i realize ive trusted shitty people. haha give me a god damn medal for being an idiot.

so yeah i go online and spark up small talk with interesting people.

and have conversations...be honestly interested in what they have to say as long as it not a fcukin put on.

which is easier to figure out on a god damn social site than in person haha.

i guess trusting a machine medium to converse with other real humans...there needs to be more of  a show of reality than at a party where distractions can be an attribute in fooling someone into believing whatever is in front of them.

plus..they say you shoulding even start sexting til after a month of "knowing" someone.

some people get down the first time they meet one another face to face.

its just not possible for that to happen via the paranoid matrix machine haahah.

so i'll get out more with someone i meet online.

if not...well i'll keep talking because...i can.

type type...

comes in all forms..nickels,dimes,pennies,quarters...even half dollars.

hahah.

"Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill, tell them firmly...I am not paid to listen to this drivel!"

-William S. Burroughs

fcuk it! its my blog i'll write what i want haha.

im wondering how i tell doctors and others that i'd like to pull my own brain out at times?

i have experience in knowing when i have words like that its seen as suicidal or "depression"...whatever it is...its there.

i get drugs and a pat on the back for it.

a pat on the back pretty much a shove away from "being bothered".

same old thang so why not treat me as such?

im getting older and getting things together a bit more than before.

but...this "condition" i know isnt going away.

it disrupts my thinking, it disrupts relationships with people, it keeps me from being just a regular fcukin person.

i want to bitch about gas prices!

i want to talk about how shitty my pay is.

i want to have the CHOICE to fcuk up and not just be fcuked up by default.

who has the time to look past the catalog items?...me! haha

im a good guy..i might not have the regular things to give or show for.

but in that i can concentrate on everything else i have to offer.

too bad just being a caring passionate person isnt much these days without a modem.

hahaha

then again im...just writing

i was painting feverishly!

like it was a drug that i needed or i'd get dope sick.

my entire body was connected to these lunatic creations...smoking cigarettes with gallons of coffee it seems, to the end of the night til day...just to get another "infection" made.

no thoughts of love or life or hate or money...just paint fatboy paint!

and i did..with whatever has moved me...solidly drawing,painting,sculpting,gluing,magnetizing,CREATING!

now i sit here almost still day to day because i dont have that drive anymore...not that its going to kill me but like that drug i want to "calm" me down, i flip out.

i write and write and write til notebooks are bent in half but thats not what i want.

i stare at my full cans of krylon wondering who theyre for sometimes now.

like it was years ago that i used them...but it wasnt.

maybe a year...but before that i was hooked on it...i wouldnt stop for anything.

not food, not phone calls, not ex-girlfriends or friends.

it was the virus that cursed me since a child and i finally had the ability to be one with it. i look around my room and see artwork everywhere...not just mine either...stuff i traded with other artists at the art exchange that i was so heavily involved in.

then FLOP...stabbed in the back by a lesser friend aka co-partner in the whole thing.

i know he dropped out because he "couldnt take it"...i dropped out because of that!

no support.

no caring of the simple task of being part of a huge idea with artists everywhere each month...meeting new creative people and almost feeling like an addict left on the streets to come together once a month to "share" themselves.

i cared! it was a huge deal to me...even if i only sold 1 piece for 5 bucks it didnt matter. it wasnt about the money it was about the art, the creativity, the idea that most of the artists involved thought the same and just wanted a place to display their own creations and mind.

but thats over now...and i have seen the art scene that was growing slowly fall back into place with all the other "landscapes" and "portrait" art work.

i knew i wouldnt get rich off of my art...i know that still.

i just want to break this slump or whatever people call it when theres a block of creativity.

i have all the tools i have the ideas i have the time...but for some fcuking reason i cant do it.

theres no drug, theres no pep talk theres no "you can do it Jerm" talk that will help.

i have to wait it out...ive done it before but not like this...not so long.

i didnt believe i was an artist when i didnt create so i had that shit head worthless ego to save me from thinking i had any worth or sense of who i was.

but im an artist...i know that now.

and i wont be satisfied until there are spray painted infections and creatures and ironic words freshly made.

some people get off on the internet...some love to work til they cant move..some love school and always "learning" more...

there are people who want only alcohol sex and drugs or just a simple ordinary life.

im not one of them...not that i feel superior because of it.

i wish i could be happy getting drunk and fcuking whatever girl that would let me.

but i dont want that.

i want reality!

i want real feelings, real expression,real opinion,real passion...not just run of the mill catalog living.

i guess i just have to re-start.

im not going to give up who i am and what i do but im going to bitch about it when it seems to have gone away haha.

April 20th?

no...it represents the time the Waldos in the 70s would meet up to smoke marijuana together after school.

4:20pm.

4/20 is entirely another thing and i dont celebrate it still because well..its Hitler's birthday AND the anniversary of the Columbine shootings.

but with all the dipshyts out there...its a great day to have any grasp on history or reality.

i will smoke today..but not because its 420...not because its "supposedly" THE day to celebrate smoking herb.

but because thats what i do is smoke...whenever i can.

i have always protested against the "greatness" of April 20th via history.

the actual time of day 4:20 is THE time to smoke...if there is any reason to pay respect.

but no fcukin way will i ever pay homage to this day.

its a day of evil and wickedness born.

not one of celebration.

some "smokers" who are in the know might feel the same...but i dont care.

haha...i know and thats why i write this.

and i always wondered why people dont celebrate 215?

the prop made in 94 to legalize marijuana.

it was veto'd yes...but that was the starting point as to why there is medical marijuana and decriminalization of said herb

i'll keep up with what i do...the idiots can keep smokin out with Hitler's ghost!

i keep forgetting to stay off this thing!

but soon enough..i will disappear.

sheesh..its like internet crack or someshit haha.

but regardless...im a nutcase and dont have the "sense" to pretend im not.

i dont know why i wrote that but im not going back to delete it...takes too long.