DoctorJERMx's blog: "this is my brain on...line."

i was painting feverishly!

like it was a drug that i needed or i'd get dope sick.

my entire body was connected to these lunatic creations...smoking cigarettes with gallons of coffee it seems, to the end of the night til day...just to get another "infection" made.

no thoughts of love or life or hate or money...just paint fatboy paint!

and i did..with whatever has moved me...solidly drawing,painting,sculpting,gluing,magnetizing,CREATING!

now i sit here almost still day to day because i dont have that drive anymore...not that its going to kill me but like that drug i want to "calm" me down, i flip out.

i write and write and write til notebooks are bent in half but thats not what i want.

i stare at my full cans of krylon wondering who theyre for sometimes now.

like it was years ago that i used them...but it wasnt.

maybe a year...but before that i was hooked on it...i wouldnt stop for anything.

not food, not phone calls, not ex-girlfriends or friends.

it was the virus that cursed me since a child and i finally had the ability to be one with it. i look around my room and see artwork everywhere...not just mine either...stuff i traded with other artists at the art exchange that i was so heavily involved in.

then FLOP...stabbed in the back by a lesser friend aka co-partner in the whole thing.

i know he dropped out because he "couldnt take it"...i dropped out because of that!

no support.

no caring of the simple task of being part of a huge idea with artists everywhere each month...meeting new creative people and almost feeling like an addict left on the streets to come together once a month to "share" themselves.

i cared! it was a huge deal to me...even if i only sold 1 piece for 5 bucks it didnt matter. it wasnt about the money it was about the art, the creativity, the idea that most of the artists involved thought the same and just wanted a place to display their own creations and mind.

but thats over now...and i have seen the art scene that was growing slowly fall back into place with all the other "landscapes" and "portrait" art work.

i knew i wouldnt get rich off of my art...i know that still.

i just want to break this slump or whatever people call it when theres a block of creativity.

i have all the tools i have the ideas i have the time...but for some fcuking reason i cant do it.

theres no drug, theres no pep talk theres no "you can do it Jerm" talk that will help.

i have to wait it out...ive done it before but not like this...not so long.

i didnt believe i was an artist when i didnt create so i had that shit head worthless ego to save me from thinking i had any worth or sense of who i was.

but im an artist...i know that now.

and i wont be satisfied until there are spray painted infections and creatures and ironic words freshly made.

some people get off on the internet...some love to work til they cant move..some love school and always "learning" more...

there are people who want only alcohol sex and drugs or just a simple ordinary life.

im not one of them...not that i feel superior because of it.

i wish i could be happy getting drunk and fcuking whatever girl that would let me.

but i dont want that.

i want reality!

i want real feelings, real expression,real opinion,real passion...not just run of the mill catalog living.

i guess i just have to re-start.

im not going to give up who i am and what i do but im going to bitch about it when it seems to have gone away haha.