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It is rare that I allow anyone to see a human emotion from me. Most of the time, what you get out of me is either sarcastic, contempt, rage or indifference. However, very rarely, I show that I am capable of more than simple disgust toward the rest of humanity... This is a one-time deal. Do NOT ever expect to see such a thing from me again.
Anyone who has studied psychology will tell you that anger is never a primary emotion, it is a secondary feeling. A defense mechanism created either to mask the first emotion or to inspire action instead of inaction. One never gets angry without having first experienced some form of loss, pain or injustice against them. Knowing this, now you will begin to understand more clearly why I react the way I do and behave in the manner that you see.
Many times I am seen as the worst kind of person. There are people in my past and my present who honestly believe me to be devoid of any compassion, kindness or decency. Nothing is further from the truth. In fact, I am very capable of nobility and acts of selflessness. These are the things that I keep hidden deep inside of me. I don't want anyone to ever see what I truly am....
I am not a monster.
I am not a sociopath.
I am not a self-centered, ruthless and sadistic demon.
...I am just tired of being hurt by people. I am tired of feeling alone.
I don't think before I act. Never think. Never EVER fucking think about things! Because when I think, I realize just how screwed up my life really is. I realize that I don't know how I got where I am, I don't know where I'm headed and I don't know what to do to fix that.
I want you, the reader, to close your eyes and do this exercise immediately after you read this paragraph: Imagine the darkest, blackest place you can. A literal void where no light can penetrate. There is nothing in this place but you. You have no light. You have no doors or windows to leave. It stretches on for eternity. No matter where you go or how far you walk, it does not end. You are trapped here with only your thoughts and memories as your company for the rest of your life....
...Maddening, isn't it? This is what it feels like to be me most days. That no matter what I do or say, that there is no escape.
This is the reason I am so angry and malicious to people on the outside. Because I have learned to accept my isolation. I learned how to use my loneliness to give me strength. That is why I no longer show anyone how I feel. If someone tried to care for me or love me, they would strip me of my shield. I would no longer have my strength and I could be could hurt again.
As the "hated monster", I am invulnerable. I have an absolute defense against everything and anyone that the world could ever throw at me. But if I ever let anyone in again, I would be just another human with the same weaknesses as everyone else. Simply put, I feed off of everyone's hatred... Love? Well, to use an analogy; love shown to me would be like Kryptonite against Superman.
The fact of the matter is this: I wish I hated the world half as much as I hate myself. It would be easier to walk around completely indifferent to everyone. But I can't hate everyone, I have tried. I still have some shred of humanity left and it is slowly eating away at me. I want to love, and I want to be loved.... I just don't know how to.
I am struggling. A lot. And sometimes when I say that "I am okay.", I just want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me, "No. I know you aren't."
This is the first, and the last, time you will ever read anything like this from me again. It just needed to be said, and I don't think I can go through saying it again.
But now you know.
- Wolf
