XaviRoseMaiden's blog: "thinking , reflecting"

sadness is coming 

sadness is creepin in like a nasty rat .. 

i feel it in my bones .. making me ache ...from head to toe . 

Mother's day is on the way ... 

there's there great joy and sadnesd to be found this day .. 

U see my mother died on May 4th .. 

And then soon after it was time to celebrate mother's day for the first time .. 

How do celebrate once dies .. 

It's pretty damn hard .. it's not possible over night .. 

Mother's day came and it seems like the world celebrated but us .. 

We lost to us the most precious person in our lives .. 

We lost to us .. 

the one who comforts our very souls like no other .. except for god .. 

The begiining of this journey i hated God for that .. i hated the world .. 

i hated to smile .. I hated to exsist .. 

That's how pain and heart felt the pain was 

But its year 10 now .. 

Thep iain is still there .. but life has moved on .. 

I lost the anger.. 

I'm working on losing the guilt of not being there to save her .. 

Not being there and allowing myself to let her go .. 

But the the greatest sacrifice of all .. 

was to let her go .. 

I can't into words my experience .. 

but i swear to you her spirit spoke to me .. and her eyes filled with eyes during our last good bye ... 

And then i let her go .. 

Never to see her smile again 

Never to hold her in my arms again ... 

Never to call her on the phone again ... 

But she's in my dreams , my thoughts .. she's one of the reason i fight so hard to make my life mean something .. cause hers did .. 

She was one of the most selfless people youcould ever meet .. 

And you want to talk about funerals hers was packed . .and she given me strict guidlines on what she wanted .. 

almost like she knew ... 

We werent supposed to wear any black .. we buried her in purple which was her favourite colour .. 

We were to celebrate her life ... not to mourn her passing .. 

and love the fact we all got to gether for funerals .. 

this always made her laugh .. 

We loved seeing the family ... but alot of the time .. it was for funerals and weddings ... 

I love her so much so much .. that hasnt changed ... i miss her so much that hasn't changed but learning to cope without her yes tha'ts changed .. 

my therapist you have plenty to be miserable for ... 

i joked with her and said .. "let me just schedule that in that sounds like a fun date .." she laughed .. 

But yes we kinda do have to schedule misery sometimes allow ourselves to fall apart ..  

death does that .. 

 and makes us remember we all mortal .. 

On my heart 

Love B