well this has been an interesting last while of self reflection its done me a world of good. i have come to a lot realizations about myself and why i keep letting my ex play me. I think i have finally figured out why i had such a hard time letting him go and why he had such a hard time letting me go even though he didn't really want me. the first part is to do with me and a strength that wasn't tempered bye reality so instead got twisted into a flaw. I am the kind of person who tends to give of myself fully without reservation and once i love i do so unconditionally to me there is NO but in love this is usually a positive personality trait but you add into the mix robbie and you have a recipe for an extended tour of hell... for the both of us. because put simply he has some serious issues somehow in life his view of himself got so twisted and distorted that the only thing he can see is the monster in waiting every mistake every flaw every weakness magnified to monstrous proportions all his energy squandered on trying to prove his view of himself to the world so he can never be rejected for what he believes he is , the real robbie periodically makes it out of this shell and takes control of life for awhile until something scares him back into it I met him during one of these brief moments. the man robbie hides is amazing his humor his wisdom the way he can make a person feel is it any wonder i fell head over heals for him? but sadly love is a scary thing and even more frightening when your world is totally clouded in self loathing he got scared and attempted to prove to me the view he has of himself but it wasn't possible because i had seen who he was and the way i am put together prevents me from taking my love back simply because someones behavior is hurtful i love him and kept hoping he would let the man i knew he was come out again that if i always stood bye him and proved to him he could trust me he would stop being afraid and come back to me another strength that untempered bye reality turned into a flaw I'm the kinda person that believes if something really matters to you you should never give up on it that the only way to truly lose is to give up but the flaw in that is love takes 2 people and for it work it has to matter to both both people have to want to make it work and robbie didn't wish it to because it didn't fit the view he has of himself the reasons he couldn't let go of me wernt because he loves me as i naively kept thinking and hoping but because who i am always believed in him because i am the only one who does totally believe in him including himself and everyone needs someone to believe in them so he couldn't let me go but he couldn't let me in either so he instead punished me for the stupidity in his eyes of loving him he tried to show me his monster to push me away to protect me from it haha male logic hurt someone to prevent yourself from hurting them well this caused me to attempt to try to stop loving him to no avail i even tried to see him as the monster he tried to convince me he was all pretty much lost causes due to who i am i know his flaws i know the ugly bits of robbie they don't matter i still love him and that doesn't have to be killed to move on with a life without him in it Ive finally come to understand i didnt need to stop loving him to get over him i had to accept that to me there is no but in love and for him there will always be a but in loving me that as long as he hates himself and refuses to see that there is good in him thats just the way it is and that will always prevent him from ever believing it can work that there is a futcher never mind fighting for one and it takes 2 to win at love
