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JJ's blog: "I hate blogging"

created on 10/05/2006  |  http://fubar.com/i-hate-blogging/b10746

So not that any one pays attention, I haven't writen in a blog in over a year. I use to write whatever came to mind and my best friend and at the time boyfriend (dick head we shall call him) would comment because well that is a part of their job titles. Well now that I am lacking in the best friend department (lets say time has not treated us so kind) and I am married (lets not go there) I have no one to write to. So I am free and clear and can say whatever I want, right? Glad you agree (if not, well you dont matter) So recently I have been talking to some people (all names have been changed for the sake of my sanity) and things are getting more intense then originally expected. Yes I am married, yes I am happily married, no I am not satisified, does that make me a bad person? (if you answered yes well I dont disagree) Any way, so first there is, lets call him Happy, he makes me well very happy but I dont know how long that will last. Being that I am married makes me chalk full of drama. I have to cancel plans at the last minute and this doesnt make him very, well Happy. I told him it wasnt going to work between us because I feel guilty about what is going on. I cant keep lying to my husband, but I dont want to hurt Happy either. I tried to explain that he deserves better then what I can offer and he basically said he didnt want anything else. He is happy with the way things are going, except that I cancel. I tried to tell him he should be someone's number 1 instead of having to be my number 2. Not to mention that things went from 0 to 60 on the relationship scale in like 3.4 seconds, we are trying to be friends now. It is really hard though. I see his name come up on my text messages and all I get is a hi hope you have a great day, where as before we would talk non stop all the time. Am I being foolish? (again if you said yes i dont disagree) I know I cant have my cake and eat it to, but it is wrong for wanting to feel wanted? My husband doesnt pay attention to me and when he does it is because I havent said more then hello and good night to him in over a week. I know, why did you get married? Well I have married for 3 months, I love my husband. He use to make me feel so special like if he didnt talk to me then he had no reason to talk to anyone. i was his everything and vice versa. Now we live down the street from his best friend and they are together ALL the time. I have no friends over in this area and the friends that I did have well grew up and got lives of their own to live. I guess I miss feeling needed. No one needs me now so I am searching and even if i do find it I cant have it because I wont leave my husband for personal reasons.

Then there is ...Sweetie, for all intents and purposes. He is in fact just that, he is so sweet and i like him a lot but yet again even if things went anywhere it wouldnt last very long due in part to A my conscience and B that it isnt fair to him. Again I cant go see these people at the drop of a dime, i have to get the courage to lie to my husband, make it seem plausible, and then plan it just right. BUT he is farther away and it would not be like I could even see him every weekend. If we were lucky it would be once a month. ARG I dont know I think I should just wallow in my miserable Ok so I have already said to much, I just hope all parties involved understand that this is not the easiet thing in the world for me either. 

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