Icarus's blog: "Hope- by any other name."

Let's try not to read too much into me still being up.

I'm just scared again.
All the stimulants in my system aren't really helping either.

The way I've got it figured is, if I jack up on caffeine, nicotine, adrenaline, sugar and loud music
I won't sleep long enough to have nightmares.

I won't be able to wake up in time to spend all day trying just to fail again.

I won't be able to spend all day in bed feeling more like a failure for not trying

but if I'm TOO TIRED to bother, or too tired to really put a real effort into it, I can always blame it on something else.

Yeah... it makes perfect sense.

Y'know what's sad?
I can't even hold on to a BAD thing.
Bad jobs, bad projects, bad art, bad poetry, bad novels, bad relationships

I keep thinking that I'd have to be a completely different person just to be materialistic enough to give a big enough fuck to try.

I tried to trick myself into thinking I wanted nice clothes, a new car, a big house

I really don't fucking care about all that because I'm unfortunately self aware enough to know that under those eggshells I'm still the same utterly thrashed person.

I don't wanna work another shitty job, I don't wanna put my entire self into another novel, another girl, another life...

I can't do it anymore.
There's no carrot on the end of the stick, just a fucking stick and an angry capitalist midget riding my back.

I don't want to fix the world because everyone I try to help, doesn't want me to.
I can't save anyone.

fuck

that's what this is all really about isn't it?

Let me tell you a story

about all the women I loved
that loved me back the wrong way

all the self sacrificing undertakings I put on my shoulders
all the ones I tried to win by losing.

in particular, a beautiful trainwreck named...
jesus, it works for all of them.

Dani, Sara, Catie, Atarah...
at least Atarah had the courtesy to fuck me a couple hundred times.
But I wound up worse off in the exchange anyway.

Yeah... I gave her a name.
I gave em all a name.

I've been wondering for a long time, what terrible empty truth it is I'm running from
I'm not sure if its them, but I'm getting closer to it all the time.

The constant level of denial I've been in, the constant unperson I've been for the last ten years...

Do you have any idea what its like trying to grow up invisible, while silently screaming for love, understanding, kismet...

Now what am I since I decided to reject invisibility?
A big ball of anger sarcasm and antisocial tendencies.

No one will love me until I'm great... they'll only love me BECAUSE I've done something great, not for who I am.
only trouble is I don't care any more to DO anything great!

I can't even imagine my match, much less find her.
Yeah, this is all old hash.
What can I say, but its always getting more clear.

Jobs just a diversion, jobs just a bandaid.
Career's just a bandaid.
I say: Everything will be better when I can pay the bills, when I'm too busy to worry, when I get to play at being a big kid again...
but its just not the case is it?

I'm
still
here.

I'm still a fixerup addict
I'm still that same terrified child trying to kill himself in a dark room in ear shot of everyone else.

It's impossible to be properly motivated, when you don't care about a god damned thing anymore.

What the hell is keeping me from dropping dead?
I don't even think its gonna get any better any more.
What lie do you wanna hear next?
I wanna own a restaurant?
I wanna marry a dark skinned girl with a great body and a legitimate smile?
I wanna buy a house in St. Thomas and a boat?
I wanna get published, paid, laid, and praised?

I'd say I had given it all away, but there really never was anything there but boyish dreams deliberately discarded.

It'd probably help, if I ever knew someone that had truly believed in me, rather than cautioned and henned... but I can't in good conscience even put 1% of the blame on anyone but me.

This isn't a suicide note.

So stop beating off.

This isn't even a declaration, or a revelation

It's just that the formula is coming into clearer view
now there's a + a few - and some variables, the = has shown up...
I'm just waiting on the result.

What kinda coward quits at 24?
The kind that started with a major handicap.
I don't even care if you mock me.

What can you take from me?
I don't have any pride.
I left my dignity years ago.
My cheery outlook and dark sense of humor?
My patented swaggering smirk?

I don't even feel right whacking it anymore.

It's all gone.
Nah, it's all just smoke and mirrors over a nonperson.

And the people that have seen that, are scared shitless by it.

I spent all my time pretending to be a person.
Unsure if I was doing a good job, not trusting anyone, constantly fearful, constantly calculating each scenario with multiple outcomes,
Now what?

NOW WHAT

What does this emotionally divorced freak of a sociopath do now?

I don't understand any of you!
I don't get Lost- I don't drink diet coke, I've never danced in public to trendy SHIT music, I've never imagined myself marrying a woman in a white cinderella costume!
I've never seen myself with ... anything.

I was supposed to be dead before any of this happened.
Plans changed.

Now what?

I have a dog because its normal.
I got engaged because it was normal.
I went to school because it was asked of me.

I've never lived a day in my life free.
Just... being.
Just being me.

All these big things in my life, I did because I thought... I thought it'd help me fit in, that everyone would stop talking about my inability to get these things...
when I got them, what did they doubt then? my ability to keep them?

... God I love proving everyone right.
But I don't care now... they win.
Let them win the race I wasn't even in.

But now what?