Just when you think you've learned all there is to know about government, you find out something new. For instance, I never knew there was such a thing as the Bento and Musubi Enforcement Branch in the state Health Department, but apparently there is. They are the guys who go around town checking the temperature of Spam musubis and bento lunches. And they've made a shocking discovery: Bentos sits out on counters unrefrigerated for hours at a stretch. Well! As far as they're concerned, this disgusting practice has just got to stop. The public health is in grave danger!
I don't know. People have been eating room-temperature bentos for what, 100 years? I don't think they've ever documented a bento-related death. And I've never heard of one person getting sick from eating a musubi. On the other hand. I've heard of a lot of people getting sick from eating poorly cooked hamburgers at well-known fast food places.
So, the bento police decided to crack down on box lunches and musubis, and they weren't too thrilled with those dead ducks that hang upside down in Chinese delis either.
Their edict was that all bentos and musubis had to be refrigerated. Of course, this met with a predictable result: people ignored it. Apparently, unwilling to form bento SWAT teams to swarm into mom-and-pop stores and wrestle helpless bento criminals to the floor, the Health Department has agreed to form a task force to come up with other solutions. In other words, it gave up.
And it's good thing, because trying to change a cultural tide the size of room-temperature bento and musubi consumption in Hawaii is impossible. It's like what happened in New Jersey when they passed the "runny egg" law. Fearful of salmonella from undercooked eggs, the new Jersey legislature made it illegal to cook eggs over-easy or sunny side up. The people told the legislature then repealed the law and probably formed a task force to study other solutions. In other words, it gave up.
In short, trying to force stores to refrigerate bentos was a dumb idea. For starters, most people would rather lick cold Crisco off a car bumper than eat a refrigerated bento. More importantly, the bento police ignored two of the great scientific principals of food management: The Spam Preservation Postulate and The Theory of Spam Relativity.
According to the Preservation Postulate, Spam sitting at room temperature not only does not spoil, it actually inhibits the growth of bacteria, thereby becoming more edible the longer it is left out.
The Theory of Spam Relativity states that any food relatively close to a piece of Spam falls within a BPZ, or bacterial protective zone. While the exact size of the zone is unknown, it is a fact that a single slice of Spam placed in the average bento container protects not only the entire bento from contamination but, possibly, everything on the countertop or storeshelf. Sort of a preservation by proximity theory.
So, these health guys need to find something else to worry about. First, they try to crack down on bentos, musubis and dead upside-down-hanging ducks carcasses. Next, who know? They'll probably be trying to figure out what's actually inside a manapua. And, in this case, I think I can safely say no one really wants to know.
Aloha buddies, if you're not familiar with these local terms...I like to introduce you to them :)
bento: Japanese box lunch.
musubi: cold steamed rice, sliced Spam rolled in black seaweed wrappers.
manapua: steamed or baked bun filled with meat.
plate lunch: an island favorite as an inexpensive, filling lunch. Consists of "two-scoop rice," a scoop of macaroni salad and some type of meat, either beef, chicken or fish. Sometimes called box lunch.
