Icarus's blog: "Just South of Blue."

You ever go out somewhere and just feel.. assy?

That was tonight.

People blew me off, and I just felt strange and floaty, kinda disconnected from the whole thing. Even the people I knew, I just felt
far FAR off my game.

I guess I should back up a tick
at the repeated insistance of close friends I went to a "screamo house show" tonight.

Screamo is not my thing.

People
are not my thing

but a few of those people are.

I brought a 12 pack, had a couple, and just never really settled in. I guess I do better when there's opportunities to -talk- about things, not just music.

Loud music.

Loud music that I know nothing about.

So I fumbled a bit
and I went in with a stomach ache (not a great plan) but there were about 30 people at the place
and two bathrooms

and I was walked in on.

Faster than I could say "occupado"

it was not a standup meet and greet if you catch my drift.

...
I was dropping the browns off at the superbowl.

Mortifying.

Could've been worse, so I blew it off.
Had another beer, a couple more bands played, and it was sweltering, and my stomach just never really settled down
There was no one to really talk to except between sets
and so I told a couple people I knew that I was going to bail, my tummy hurts
got a couple hugs
asked if I could come back and listen to practice some time
got the fuck out.

Sucks cuz the people that invited me were going to play last- and I just don't think I could've made it.

Probably owe them beer
except one of them doesn't drink >>

...

And now for our "... now what" moment of the program.

My expungement went through last week, just got the papers a day ago.


This means I have no criminal record.
... seriously

never happened.

I kept saying if/when this went through
I'd have my life back, and I could finally "try" again
I could live with a sense of purpose and justice and freedom.

It didn't happen with magical words being read aloud from the page...
I didn't wander into a portal inside the wardrobe

I still have to find it.
The sooner the better.

At least now I know there's a point in looking.

So I'm still a nice guy that has social anxiety, and is noticeably awkward
so my hair is falling out
so my back and arm hurts all the time
so I'm hovering just above starvation/poverty and have to live with my parents

At least I'm no longer being held accountable for a raving lunatic pointing fingers and making wild claims to lawmen with guns and boners.

The equation gets simpler when you remove variables.

Before the expungment:
A+B+C= Victory
 A+B+C is not > than X
(A+B+C)-X= 0 or less.

After expungement:
X now equals zero.

For you math folk.

Also
me and my old man watched the Nova program about relativity... it was this big convoluted nonsensical metaphor/teaching aid leading into another metaphor, leading into another metaphor, leading into another metaphor

if you assume relativity is true
if you assume blackholes are MAGIC!!!
and if you assume that time can be reversed or isn't constant in the math without fucking up your equations and real world implications
then yes,

that moon man on a bicycle lightyears away time travels by turning slightly left
the spacetime continuum is a fucking loaf of bread
and that guy walking toward me totally slowed down time! (teaching aids/anecdotes actually used on the program)

... watch the program sometime, it's probably available on PBS.com
watch it with me.

I will scream with outrage and accuse the featured physicists of "not being scientists".

After we watched the program I asked my dad if he was on my side about relativity (I'm outspokenly against the assumptions some scientists flit about with as fact). He said none of the show made any sense, and none of it was based on any real science, just crazy leaps of faith.

People go FAR out of their way to cut corners, and skip rationality to "PROVE" relativity, perhaps out of some misguided loyalty to Einstein. They spend more time proving the REMOTE plausibility of a ludicrous claim (that has more to do with perception and flawed instrumentality and slapshot mathematics than "time" or "spacetime" or observation, or reputable science) than to take three seconds and say "we don't know" or "there's a strong possibility that this is bunk".

I'm not smarter than Einstein.
But there's not enough real, satisfactory, unbiased experimentation, and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much math and speculation to "prove" Einstein's theory of relativity. Scientists need to take a moment, maintain their objectivity and skepticism, and for fuck's sake STOP cutting corners on the math and ask WHY time (as a variable) behaves the way it does in their math.