Another Saturday night at home.
I suppose I should be used to it.
I was in contact earlier in the night with my "associates".
One is headed off to NY to see some band play....
The other is on a "booty call".
The 3rd is well, staying at home with the little lady.
and me? Well, i'm with the kitties, some jager and music.
Seems to be my weekend routine,rinse and repeat.
Of course, it's raining on and off and windy as hell so
I guess staying in isn't such a bad idea. Conversely,
to go where?
I'm talking to a friend on Yahoo now.
I sent her a song by 808 State...Pacific.
I told her that hearing that song brings back memories,
lots of them...good and bad.
She said and I quote "Memories are Fun".
My reply was " Yes,especially when that's all you have".
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On a lighter( no pun intended) note...I'm still attending the gym.
Of course not with the fervor my parents want me to have,
but I go none the less.
And I've been watching what I eat.
I see no appreicable difference.
I feel the same. Of course I didn't expect
any miracles as immediately but damn
other than sore muscles, nothing?
I do feel the following :
Lonely.
Listless.
Lingering.
Longing.
Lethargic
Damn those "L's". Heh.
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I wish I could take a pill, or hop in the shower or get a mind wipe so I wouldn't
feel the way I do.
But then again, I've felt like this for a long while, so it's sort of a mental appendage.
I look around and see "happy" people. I wonder what that feeling is like.
Yes, I'm envious.
I mean, I've been stoned (I think stoned wouldn't be the correct word...semi coherent would
be more applicable). I've been angry, euphoric, amused and depressed.
But truly happy? I don't think so. I wonder how that must feel.
If it's anything like Love....then wow.
Some people say "I've hate what I've become".
I say " I hate what I've never become".
All those failed dreams,expectations and all.
I think it's too late for me.
I have to accept things for what they are and try to
salvage what I can ( if anything).
Not too long ago I was chatting with a friend online.
We got all quiet. Anyways, I said, if you were to expire like a bottle of milk
next week...what would your obituary say about you?
He thought long and hard and said " Mr.so and so passed on. He did his best
and gave it a good fight".
He then posed the same question to me.
I said, well....usually obituary's consist of the person's life...and their accomplishment's.
I said...good g0d man, there would be really nothing to say.
I mean, a litany of dead end jobs, failed relationship's, endless depression.
I said perhaps they should put a recipe for Blueberry muffins in lieu of a obituary.
We both had a chuckle at that.
I then said that I never have feared death...it's living that scares me to no end.
