ok you live your whole life of 19 years being told you will never amount to anything. you're told you would only be pretty enough, smart enough, and good enough for a guy if you weren't so fat. to hear that all the time, especially from family at such a young age does some serious damage to a girl. basically from the time you can walk, talk, and comprehend, you just start assuming that everything you are being told is truth, and it is ingrained, compounded, and made true by an unrelentless pursuit of beauty in this world. it took me a long time to understand that i was just as good as those "beautiful girls", the ones every guy wanted to date and every girl wanted to be. i didnt want to be like them but there was one thing they had i did want, besides a relationship with a guy, and that was their confidence. these are the girls who walk through the hallways and everyone knows who they are, even kids down in the middle schools know their names. In school districts and even farther into other school districts they were known, they were either a cheerleader, or dance team, a majorette, or a teen beauty queen. if by chance one of these girls even looked your way and other people saw it, you were held in the highest of esteem for the rest of the day, "omg the cheerleader told me to move" i cant believe what that will do for my social standing now...so through the hallways i traveled as a freshmen, the only people who actually looked at me they would turn their heads yell out one of many obsenities, i have heard them all, you got any new ones swing by my way, i love to be prepared, but when they said it and i would hear the pig, cow, horse, dog, or gorilla sound that was followed by uncontrolable laughter, my self esteem took a huge nose dive. finally summer break, i was in marching band so no summer breaks for the band geeks, but why could i be myself in front of most of them but out of the band room i shut down and got to where i needed to go as fast as i could. i see it still as though im floating about this young girls with long braids on each side of he head, the quickness in her step, her held held down as if she had been condemmed to die, and painfully she was, she was about to step into another realm of the degredadtion of girls and young ladies in today's society. a place where all her dreams would come true and her worries over, and the status of non exisitent humuniod would be no more. standing at my locker one of the juniors came by and said something about "Elaina, om my god did you hear about the big homecoming dance in two weeks?" i would say yea i know about it, at that point i thought she was just asking me too babysit her sister so she coud go, but then i herd words that i never knew exisisted in the human high school language. "well i heard from so in so who heard it from their friend who heard it from a football player that the big guy around was gonna ask u to go with him. i think at that point i turned 6 shades of red, elaina did u hera me, he wants you to meet him under the bleachers in the stadium after school. i was speechless, could i fake a sick moment and go home to change and look better, what should i do? the last few hours of school were excruciating, i would have rather someone been putting bamboo under my finger nails. i looked at the clock, oh man its been that same time for like 5 minutes when only a few seconds had drifted by. minutes by minute my heart beating faster and faster, the bell rings, i start to wonder, do i just run for the stadium at break neck speed or go when i wanted to go, i palyed it cool, took extra time to do everything, i slowly walk up to him and said hey i heard you had something to ask me. he takes my hand and kisses it, wow now wait a minute i didnt expect that, elaina i just want you to know how pretty, smart and talented you are and it would be my extreme pleasure if you could be ready at 6pm so i can pick you up. as flabbergasted as i was i muttered yes, good, ill be there then. my mind went into overdrive, what to wear, how to act i needed help bad. i went home and begged my mom, mom it's brian asked me out you know the football player brian, mom i need a dress shoes and everything. i shopped at least 10 different stores just to get the right dress, perfect, the night was perfect, i heard a car drive up outside. it was him. i went out to get in his car but there was the homecoming queen sitting in the passenger seat, her cherry blush lipstick all over his face, het elaina you will have to get in the car behind us. i did still hot by any standards. we got to the stop sign, but the starngest thing happened, brian and his car was headed to the school we were going the oppisite way. we pulled up to this house his friends said just go on ih he'll be here soon, ok so i did, next thing i know braisn mom is running down the stairs yelling at her husband to move it, she then handed me a piece of paper, they were babysitting notes, honey thanks for doing this on such short notice it means a lot. yea monday at school i got lots of laughs but i also got one more thing from that, residing down deepest in my soual was something dying to come out...a bitch,
