Soul searching...do I even have one?
I remember a line from American Psycho (with apologies to Brett Easton Ellis ) " There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."
Substitute my name for Patrick and you pretty much have me. Of course I don't have a penchant for Armani suits and Oliver Peoples glasses but the sentiment
remains the same. I'm also not a mass murderer like Patrick...
Anyways, I'm not looking for sympathy. Maybe this is my catharsis, my feeble attempt to cry. I know who I am , somewhat makes me tick. I've met some interesting
and nice people in my travels in real life and on fubar. I don't consider fubar , myspace to be real. Yes, there's a person behind the typed words...but your not
getting the true essence of what they're saying. Your getting the binary,zero's and one's version. There's no way (for me anyways) to really infer what the person is saying...you can't hear the subtle tonal inflections in one's voice.
There's a few people who say they "like me". I find this to be somewhat humorous. They know little to nothing about me. Other than what I choose to post in my "about me" section. Can you really extrapolate all that from a short paragraph? Or in my choice of music? Apparently these people are a lot more intuitive than I
because I can't.
I have a fear of Intimacy. A fear of getting close to someone. Does it stem from me being adopted? From what I was told, when I was bounced from foster home
to foster home , I wasn't held. Well held to be fed...but none of that motherly love imparted to her siblings. I was a reason to receive a paycheck from the state each month for services rendered.
So yes, I have a fear of getting close. Plus I know deep down inside other than my sense of humor,my useless bit's of trivia, my stupid collection of Kaiju and video games what can I offer? My track record on love has a been laughable at best. The best I've "done" is 6 yrs...truly a record for me.I think the woman stayed with me out of pity. I personally wouldn't have stuck it out with me for that long. I'm moody, lazy and possibly a manic depressive/bipolar. I'm not a dr nor do I play one on tv so I can't make a sure diagnosis.
Alot of times I walk around,anywhere and feel like a empty shell. I go through the motions of every day living. Conversely there's days where I'm so in tuned with everything. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I feel at times and at other times I feel nothing. Like a zombie. I do what I do because I have too...not that I give
it any thought ,somewhat of "it's my nature" or it's hard coded in my dna. Following me here? Good....let's continue.
Perhaps it's the "sour grapes theory" in play. Am I jealous of what other's have? Maybe. Not in the look at all the cool thing's I've got but in the whole relationship thing. I think or better yet I know when I'm out and about and see couples laughing and holding hands, a wave of anger and jealously swarms over me.
Conversely about 2 weeks ago I had a date. A real date....like meeting someone and getting pizza. Yes I was nervous as one can be...but that's to be expected.
It was nice just being out with someone with someone , albiet as briefly as the date lasted. Knowing that someone is liking you for you. I pretty much laid everything out on the line to this woman. Things seemed ok but they died off in the end...another sob story for another day.
What I'm getting at here, and yes there's a point to this screed, is that I did like the fact of being with someone. Someone who can see me for me. Not just a bunch of words thrown together on a webpage. Someone who see my reactions to statements made, a sigh , a laugh.
So I should take Fubar,Myspace and all that for what is. Idle banter to wile the time. Nothing more nothing less. I shouldn't put too much stock in it. But I do, another
character flaw of mine.
So I think, yes, I do have a soul. A heart that beats. Dreams and desires. The real question is how to enable them? To take them out of cold storage as it were.
That should be a interesting journey. And a journey that begins with a honest smile, a look foward and positive attitude.
