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Trashionista's blog: "Rambling's of REL"

created on 08/11/2007  |  http://fubar.com/rambling-s-of-rel/b114448  |  1 followers

 

Nothing I could've said or done would've made a difference.

I keep beating myself up over the "What if's".

What if I had stayed longer...

What if I had said more...

What if I had tried harder...

What if I had been more compassionate...

What if What if What if???

 

I'll never know. I'm so angry, I need to lash out, to hurt someone, to blame someone. Monica said it was just your time. Is she right? Is that right?!!? If so, that's not fair! Someone so amazing and selfless and considerate and giving and loving given to me/us then taken abruptly away? NO!! It's not fair! I feel so cheated. How selfish is that? What lesson am I suppose to learn from this? If only we had more time. If only your pain could've been extinguished another way. I didn't know you very long at all, but you impacted my life in ways you'll never know. Our connection was instant and even though you had other obligations, we kept coming together. Our pasts united us in the present and we bonded. It's so very hard to find someone with similar backgrounds as you and I. We could talk and relate to one another without fear of judgement or ridicule. We experienced the same circumstances, the same pain, the same heartache...we understood eachother. I saw myself in you. But you decided to take a different path...and once again, I feel abandoned. Once again, left here to fight this battle on my own...and I will continue to fight. Your path is not MY path. I choose to stay and fight, but now, I also fight in honor of you. The only comfort I feel is knowing you're no longer in pain, you're no longer filled with rage and you can finally rest your weary head. We'll be down here, celebrating your life, remembering the good times and waiting for the day we all get to see you again.

 

As a person,

As a man,

As a friend,

As a father...

I love you Aaron.

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