Siryn's blog: "So Long And Goodnight..."

Well,it's Tuesday night,as I promised I have come to a decision.I went and saw my brother and had a long talk with him.He gave me a lot to think about as he usually does.I think the best thing he said to me was a saying I've been repeating in my head since he said it. "I'd rather you hate me for who I am than love me for who I'm not." And it's true.Ive spent so much time trying to be loved for who I'm not than who I am.It wasnt til he said that to me that it all made sense.Ive tried so hard to find someone to be with and have a connection with.It's no longer about sex.I just wanted someone to be there for me when I needed them,to hold me after a bad night at work,to call me and say they miss me.I've been trying so damn hard to find someone I forgot who I am.The real me and it's very sad to realize that.I dont have confidence in myself,guess thats why I dont feel good enough for any guy.Or better yet,I dont think I'm pretty enough or thin enough.It's not that,its the fact I dont have confidence in myself.I use to say all the time that I could have any guy I wanted,and at the time I could..It was weird,but now I dont think that at all.It's so sad when you lose that and your faith in yourself.Me and him talked about a lot.I told him my room hasnt been clean like it use to be bc ive spent so much time online and he came out with another wise saying."If you cant keep your room straight,how do you expect to keep your life straight?" See,this is why I always go to him when I'm lost.He always helps me find my way when no-one else can.I have a lot of work ahead of me and I cant do it when I'm glued to the pc/internet..So yes,my final decision is I'm logging off for awhile.This is my last night online.So make it count folks.To the ones who matter: Goth,Miyavi,Angla....I love you guys.Of course I see my girl Angla often and she knows that,but you two dont.I promise I wont do anything stupid.Nothing to be harmful to myself in any means.Ive just reached the end of my rope and its a long fall to the bottom.I seriously dont want to hit rock bottom again.Goth knows how to get ahold of me,so dont be shy at callin me love.Ooo i need your address woman.How else will I send you skelanimals? :P Alright,I'm done now...yet again.Make tonight count my friends!!!Love you and I'll miss talking to u crazy fucks...muah!

Mood: Confused,Dazed,Hurt... Listening to: 'Beautiful Lie' 30 Seconds to Mars Well..Reality is beginning to set in and I'm not really happy with it.I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore..Let alone what I'm doing here,in this place..Just a typical state of mind I frequently lock myself in when things go wrong as they usually do.This life I've been living has become increasingly harder every day.I'm not entirely sure if it's all on me or on what others do to me.I think it's a fair trade in some ways.I'm caught in the dark again with no light.Searching for a way back to the things I use to love and enjoy doing.Yet again,I've been hurt and I didn't see it coming.At least not from this particular person.What wicked games we play when lies get involved..I'm at my wits end trying to be happy,to find someone to be happy with,and above all,to be loved..Its a fruitless struggle I'm no longer able to fight...I feel happy,and jealousy,for friends who have someone,especially two that have come together in the past 24hrs...and it makes me sad that I don't have someone to keep me company.I'm afraid to be left alone because I know me better than anyone else,the person who is afraid of everything now.Not because I want to be,but because I was forced into..All the beatings I take from every relationship failed,or possible relationship burning before it could ever take off,have corrupted me inside.Just because I'm not crying doesn't mean I'm okay...I'm afraid of everything now.To open up again,to allow someone to get close to me,to be intimate anymore,to go outside,to see my family,to see my friends...I'm so damn afraid now that all of a sudden,they too will turn away from me and leave me by myself...All I have anymore is the few people I call friends and my brother...And slowly I feel everything slipping away from me.Through my fingers as I desperately cling to them..Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I slipped away for awhile..Just randomly disappear...I've done it before and I feel it coming again..The need to run and hide,shelter myself from everyone.But do I really want to punish myself this way?Close myself off to those I enjoy talking to?The ones that can make me smile even when I feel like crying?I'm not sure anymore...So many things are unclear to me and the only person who can bring me into perception is my brother....So until then I'm here....after Tuesday who knows....We shall see...I cant keep hurting myself like this anymore.Torturing myself,wondering what is so damn horribly wrong with me that I cant find someone to call my own?I honestly don't think I'm that damn ugly or fat,but then again everyone has their own view of me...I know my girl stephy thinks there is nothing wrong with me,but i still do...No-one can really see whats wrong with me.What's broken on the inside..Its no longer just my heart,but my soul,my mind,all feeling is broken...I'm sick of everything..Of feeling so lost,so broken,so unloved.And no-one can fix me other than me...So if I do decide on what I'm thinking of doing,and no not suicide,then I shall take my leave for awhile...Every now and then I'll pop on and let you guys know I'm still alive and breathing.Let you know how I'm doing.Dont hate me,or be sad or mad with me,its just something I feel is going to need to be done.And yes it's mostly because of one final person,but dont take it out on him..He only added to something that has been growing inside me for quite awhile now.So my finally decision will be made Tuesday and everyone will know then..And when I announce it,everyone will have 24hrs to say whatever they wanna say,gimme numbers,addresses or whatever in order to stay in touch with me.I'm not deleting my account by any means,just log off the net for a few months.Get myself straight,happy with myself and my surroundings,fix whats broken,and get over my fears.But for now I'm going to eat,then go to sleep for work..So comment now and whatever..btw,pleas of 'dont go' and 'dont let him get you down' wont work with me this time..its just,all in all,the final stab that has left me bleeding in a wound I cant reach just yet..So anywho,yea,i'm going to eat and sleep....comment...please....love you to those who know who they are...