Well,it's Tuesday night,as I promised I have come to a decision.I went and saw my brother and had a long talk with him.He gave me a lot to think about as he usually does.I think the best thing he said to me was a saying I've been repeating in my head since he said it. "I'd rather you hate me for who I am than love me for who I'm not." And it's true.Ive spent so much time trying to be loved for who I'm not than who I am.It wasnt til he said that to me that it all made sense.Ive tried so hard to find someone to be with and have a connection with.It's no longer about sex.I just wanted someone to be there for me when I needed them,to hold me after a bad night at work,to call me and say they miss me.I've been trying so damn hard to find someone I forgot who I am.The real me and it's very sad to realize that.I dont have confidence in myself,guess thats why I dont feel good enough for any guy.Or better yet,I dont think I'm pretty enough or thin enough.It's not that,its the fact I dont have confidence in myself.I use to say all the time that I could have any guy I wanted,and at the time I could..It was weird,but now I dont think that at all.It's so sad when you lose that and your faith in yourself.Me and him talked about a lot.I told him my room hasnt been clean like it use to be bc ive spent so much time online and he came out with another wise saying."If you cant keep your room straight,how do you expect to keep your life straight?" See,this is why I always go to him when I'm lost.He always helps me find my way when no-one else can.I have a lot of work ahead of me and I cant do it when I'm glued to the pc/internet..So yes,my final decision is I'm logging off for awhile.This is my last night online.So make it count folks.To the ones who matter: Goth,Miyavi,Angla....I love you guys.Of course I see my girl Angla often and she knows that,but you two dont.I promise I wont do anything stupid.Nothing to be harmful to myself in any means.Ive just reached the end of my rope and its a long fall to the bottom.I seriously dont want to hit rock bottom again.Goth knows how to get ahold of me,so dont be shy at callin me love.Ooo i need your address woman.How else will I send you skelanimals? :P Alright,I'm done now...yet again.Make tonight count my friends!!!Love you and I'll miss talking to u crazy fucks...muah!
