As you may or may not know I know how to curse a bit in Russian, it is a really rather vulgar phrase so I won't repeat it here and being as my computer doesn't type Russian I can't even if I wanted too.
You may be asking yourself why do I know such a vulgar phrase in Russian
Well when I was living in Germany a group of us had the idea that it would be fun to go into East Germany and visit Berlin on both sides east and west. There were two Germany's once upon a time for you younger readers.
So we arranged for a rental car, got the needed documentation and off we went on our adventure
To get to Berlin then there was only one autobahn that people in West Germany could use to travel into Berlin – one of those eastern block things
There were also a ton of rules for driving on that particular autobahn
From both sides - Ours and theirs
Their rules included not slowing down below a certain speed and if cameras were noticed in the car you could be stopped
Our rules contradicted one of theirs – if the East Germans attempt to stop you continue at a normal rate of speed until you reach the checkpoint in Berlin
Ok – why are we doing this trip – oh yeah for fun right
So we get to Berlin and stay in the West for the first day
Travel around see the sites and avoid looking like a tourist as much as possible
We are out in a bar in West Berlin and having a few beers and a really good time
The second day we head out early get breakfast in the west and then head to the check point to go across
Well we get into the east pretty easily – with the instructions from our side if it looks like you are being followed you are being followed, if you don't think you are being followed you aren't paying attention
So we get across and we are seeing the tourist things and staying on wide avenues and streets
Avoiding large crowds and that sort of thing
Well we are wandering around and not paying attention because we don't think we are being followed
Well we notice this bar on a smaller street so we decide you know we have to drink a beer while we are here in the East you know just for general purposes
So we go in, there are only two people in the place - the bartender and an older guy who isn't drinking but most likely works there we determined later
So we go in go up to the bar
Each of us in turn "Eine Bier Bitte" and the "Danke"
So we go back and sit down and talk softly because we pulled off the not speaking English at the bar and were not questioned well except for me
The spelling on this next bit is wrong I'm sure
I was asked by the bartender"al es Klah"
Me "Ja, und der?"
Him "es gut danke"
Me "gut, bitte"
Then off to the table to drink our beers
Well we aren't there 5 minutes and in walk 5 East Germans in army uniforms
Oh phuck we are dead now
One of the guys goes "oh sure invisible don you had to talk to the bartender didn't you
I said he talked to me first – I guess I have one of those oh he'll talk to anyone faces
So anyway we remain mostly calm and keep drinking our beers
Then two minutes after the first group another group of soldiers enter the bar – now there are 12 East German Army members and 5 USAF off duty out of uniform cops
We still have the advantage even unarmed (How very James Bond of us to think that)
Well this trend of people slowly entering the bar continues and no one is really paying attention to us
So I go and get another beer
The place is busy but while I'm up at the bar I don't notice what my friends noticed which was 10 Russian Soldiers entering the bar
YIKES and stuff now it's really not good for us 22 to 5 is better than four to one no matter what James Bond, MacGuyver crap we think we know if there is trouble we are going to get beat down like narcs at a biker rally
Well I walk back from the bar doing my best not to draw attention to myself
Well being that I bought most of my non-military clothes on the economy (ie they were European made) I didn't draw too much attention to myself but all the guys with me are in levis and t-shirts it was kind of a give away that "Hey you boys ain't from around here are ya?"
Well we still stay because to run would just be bad at this point plus I had a full beer and abandoning a full beer because you are a little scared is a sin
Well I notice too that many of the Russians are drinking vodka in little bottles - pint sized ones chilled and look really good
So I'm being brave again and wanting a Russian thing I go back to the bar and order a vodka
I get the bottle, the label is all in Russian and full of ice cold vodka So I get another one. One to drink and one to take back with me
Well anyway I make it back to the table and the rest of the guys are about to have cows because I won't stay in my seat and hide
I say "That looks more odd then moving around the bar acting normal"
Well it wasn't long before one the Russians walked over and Said Hello in Russian – We just looked at him He then says Guten Tag I say Guten Tag
And raise my beer glass he raised his and we drink I'm thinking he'll leave now
He says "So you are American, Da or No"
All the guys are like "ah uh der"
I say "Yes, we are Americans" the instructions also said never lie if asked a direct question
"you are military too, Da or No"
"Yes"
" you like Russian wadka, No?"
"yes I like Russian vodka"
"Good" He pulls up a chair and sits down with us
My friends are all OMG we are so phucked now
Myself and the Russian start talking
He asks a lot of meaningless questions like about weather and the city and drinking
Then he asks "how is my English?"
I say you speak English well
He wanted to know if he was cursing correctly too, so he went through a list of words the only one he got wrong was bullshit - he said cowshit
So he taught me the one Russian phrase that is on the survey and some others that I've forgotten
Any way we left after that and went back to the west and back to our base
My friends are mad at me the whole way back for staying in the bar so long and what not
I'm like we have a fun story to tell people now
They didn't agree with me and give me hell the whole way back I used my new Russian on them and they didn't know what I was saying which pissed them off even more
Anyway that is how I learned that phrase, if you are dying to know what it is I may tell you or I might not call me at 330 in the morning you might hear it by accident. Well some of you might not and you know who you are.
Ciao
