I was a pack a day smoker. When it got down to five or less cigarettes and I had no way to buy more, I would have a full fledged panic attack. I even had that attitude as some point that: 'hell, we're all gonna die some day, I might as well choose how.'
Up to the point where I was laying in the hospital with multiple Pulmonary Embolisms (blood clots) in both lungs. I looked over at my 4 and 6(at the time) year old kids and realized that I had the wrong idea. All it would take is one of those things to move to my heart or brain and I would be dead. No warnings. My kids would be without a mom. For that matter, without anyone since I am all they have.
I was in pain every day, breathing was so difficult to do. I spent 3 days in the hospital getting daily shots of blood thinners. I even had to give them to myself when I got out of the hospital. Once I was home I still had a hard time breathing, and so little energy. It hurt so much they had me on narcotics to get through the days.
I used every ounce of energy I had to feed my kids and to try to get them bathed. I went 3 weeks without my own shower cause I had no energy to do it after I took care of the kids. No one stopped by to check on us.
Even when the blood clots cleared up I went into a depression. I was over the cigarettes at that point. Now, it was facing how alone my kids and I actually are.
This whole thing took over 6 months to be able to work again. It took over a year to be taken off of the blood thinners. Now I am told that I cannot have anymore children. I also am not allowed to take hormone based birth control.
So here it all leads back to smoking and how we really want to die.
Just a thought the next time anyone wants to light up!
