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I wish I could find some way to make this constant feeling of... its hard to describe... it's like I'm overflowing with pain and sadness and loneliness and worry and need and anger and lethargy and this just ACHE... only it's not overflowing, it just sits there, building and stewing and I can't seem to find a way to let it out. Right now I feel as though I'm on the verge of crying but I also want to yell and scream and hit something ... or find some way to make myself numb and not feeling anything at all for just a little while... but there's no way to do that is there?
I suppose I could take a nap but I'll just feel the same way when I wake up. Only maybe worse because I'll not want to wake up and I'll be hungry and in physical pain as usual. Not to mention the stomach acid that will happily greet me before my eyes are even open.
Catch-22 moment btw... I finally have an appointment to see a gastroenterologist for my stomach but I have NO way to get there *cynical laughter* I can always call and reschedule it for next month I suppose and pray that by then there is a working vehicle to take me there. Oh I was told I can call the county 3 days before an appointment and they would drive me but we were supposed to get our van back by now so it's too late to call for a ride and we have yet to get the van.
The van that last month we begged and borrowed to payed to fix the transmission, register and insure and that broke down on the way home from picking up a friend who told us needed a rescue. Long drawn out story there but in the end we had no vehicle and no money and no help. Turns out the guy that "fixed" the transmission didn't offer a warranty and wanted us to pay TWICE the amount to fix it again ($1200). We didn't have the money the FIRST time.
So now the van sits at yet another auto shop waiting to be fixed as I sit at home unable to go to my doctor's appointments, the grocery store, coumadin clinic or even the emergency room that is 45 miles away because I would have no way to get home if I went.
And the truly pathetic thing about all of that is that this is the LEAST of my problems right now. And people wonder why I'm depressed *sigh*
