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What are you waiting for?
As I sit here listening to some kickass music from my younger days, I can't help but think of how my life used to be compared to how it is today. And with that sad comparison I realize that like many others, I wish I could go back in time. Back to a time when my body did what I needed it to do, when I needed it to do it. Back to when I didn't have to beg and plead for kisses and affection. Back when I was happier. When I could still sing and dance when I was still free.
I want to stop wanting all the time. Wanting to kiss someone for hours, to love and be loved back in the way that I need. Wanting to be healthy and "normal" again. Wanting to be wanted. I'm so tired of yearning for what I can't have, stuck in this situation that cannot be resolved by myself alone, yet the person who can help me refuses to do so out of either stubbornness or just plain indifference. Tired of being more lonely now that I'm married to the man I always loved than I was without him.
Tired of the only romance in my life being power ballads from the 80s and early 90s, back when rock ballads actually ROCKED while they made your heart break. Back when Jani Lane could break my heart with his voice and turn my muscles to butter with his eyes. Back when I was secure and confident enough in my life that I knew what I wanted and how to get it. Back before I GOT what I wanted and it turned from a fairy tale into a depressing, boring, dull and lifeless saga.
I wish I could be happy, healthy and content with my lot in life. I wish I could be in my 20s again, young, slim, attractive, the best mommy in the world before my body turned against me. I wish he and I had stayed together THEN instead of him becoming what he is now by the way that life treated him and turning the man that I always loved into someone I barely know.
But then again, if wishes were wings, people could fly
