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As I sit here listening to some kickass music from my younger days, I can't help but think of how my life used to be compared to how it is today. And with that sad comparison I realize that like many others, I wish I could go back in time. Back to a time when my body did what I needed it to do, when I needed it to do it. Back to when I didn't have to beg and plead for kisses and affection. Back when I was happier. When I could still sing and dance when I was still free.

I want to stop wanting all the time. Wanting to kiss someone for hours, to love and be loved back in the way that I need. Wanting to be healthy and "normal" again. Wanting to be wanted. I'm so tired of yearning for what I can't have, stuck in this situation that cannot be resolved by myself alone, yet the person who can help me refuses to do so out of either stubbornness or just plain indifference. Tired of being more lonely now that I'm married to the man I always loved than I was without him.

Tired of the only romance in my life being power ballads from the 80s and early 90s, back when rock ballads actually ROCKED while they made your heart break. Back when Jani Lane could break my heart with his voice and turn my muscles to butter with his eyes. Back when I was secure and confident enough in my life that I knew what I wanted and how to get it. Back before I GOT what I wanted and it turned from a fairy tale into a depressing, boring, dull and lifeless saga.

I wish I could be happy, healthy and content with my lot in life. I wish I could be in my 20s again, young, slim, attractive, the best mommy in the world before my body turned against me. I wish he and I had stayed together THEN instead of him becoming what he is now by the way that life treated him and turning the man that I always loved into someone I barely know.

But then again, if wishes were wings, people could fly

Vitriol

Vitriol noun - Bitterly abusive feeling or expression.

Now some of you may be wondering about all the piss and vinegar in some of my blogs.  The thing is, when I'm upset or annoyed about something the best way for me to let it out is to write about it. Just because some of my blogs are of a certain mood, doesn't mean I'm always like that. I write what I'm feeling at the time and then I take a few deep breaths and let it go.

Unfortunately, I tend to take things rather personally and there are certain aspects of my life that bother me quite a bit so I take it out on my keyboard. And you all know how it goes, it's easier to say things to a stranger than to people you know. To me, the blog is the stranger (and stranger lol). I don't really talk to my offline friends about a lot of these things so I have to let it out somewhere. I do appreciate comments and the like, but please don't think I'm always as dark and angry as my blogs imply.

I hope everyone who reads this is happy and healthy :)  Take care!

 

My Thoughts On Love



I'm so sick of hearing the word love being used in such a common way and without meaning. There are people who think that just because they say the words "I love you" that should be enough. What they fail to understand is that words are just words, ACTIONS are what are needed to verify the true meaning. Telling someone you love them and treating them like shit, is not love. Telling someone you love them and selfishly only giving in to YOUR wants and needs, is not love. Telling someone you love them while hitting on another, cheating and sneaking behind someone's back , is not love. Breaking a person's heart and then expecting the person to forgive you and be happy just because you make love to them, is not love. Giving your attention, affection and having sexual desire for someone ELSE, is not love. Only making love to someone when you have a fight or when you are trying to make up for being caught making sexual advances to another, is not love.

Love is wanting to make the other person happy in any way you can. Love is never wanting to cause the other person pain if you can help it. Love is staying faithful to that person, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Love is more than just words, it is actions or in some cases a lack of action (lack of cheating, lack of causing pain, lack of neglect, lack of lies).

Maybe I have unreasonable expectations of what love should be, but those are simply my thoughts on the matter.

Van Update

Ok so get this... we finally get the damned van back on Wednesday, just in time for my Thursday appointment with the doctor..... we didn't even make it HOME!

 

Damn tranny went out AGAIN on the way home and we ended up parked on the side of the road not 5 miles from the house in the middle of the night.  So now the van is sitting out in front of the house like a lawn ornament along with all the other cars in our graveyard.

 

But then again I really shouldn't be surprised.  I haven't had a working motor in my life for years (if u catch my drift lol).  I guess I don't have the right fuel. Anyone got a pipe wrench? *raises eyebrow*

*sigh* repost

I wish I could find some way to make this constant feeling of... its hard to describe... it's like I'm overflowing with pain and sadness and loneliness and worry and need and anger and lethargy and this just ACHE... only it's not overflowing, it just sits there, building and stewing and I can't seem to find a way to let it out. Right now I feel as though I'm on the verge of crying but I also want to yell and scream and hit something ... or find some way to make myself numb and not feeling anything at all for just a little while... but there's no way to do that is there?

 

I suppose I could take a nap but I'll just feel the same way when I wake up.  Only maybe worse because I'll not want to wake up and I'll be hungry and in physical pain as usual.  Not to mention the stomach acid that will happily greet me before my eyes are even open.

 

 

Catch-22 moment btw... I finally have an appointment to see a gastroenterologist for my stomach but I have NO way to get there *cynical laughter* I can always call and reschedule it for next month I suppose and pray that by then there is a working vehicle to take me there.  Oh I was told I can call the county 3 days before an appointment and they would drive me but we were supposed to get our van back by now so it's too late to call for a ride and we have yet to get the van.

 

The van that last month we begged and borrowed to payed to fix the transmission, register and insure and that broke down on the way home from picking up a friend who told us needed a rescue.  Long drawn out story there but in the end we had no vehicle and no money and no help.  Turns out the guy that "fixed" the transmission didn't offer a warranty and wanted us to pay TWICE the amount to fix it again ($1200).  We didn't have the money the FIRST time.

 

So now the van sits at yet another auto shop waiting to be fixed as I sit at home unable to go to my doctor's appointments, the grocery store, coumadin clinic or even the emergency room that is 45 miles away because I would have no way to get home if I went.

 

And the truly pathetic thing about all of that is that this is the LEAST of my problems right now.  And people wonder why I'm depressed *sigh*

Did you ever just have one of those days where nothing seems to go right no matter what you do or how hard you try?  Or are you one of those poor souls (like myself) who just seems to have one of those LIVES?  Where you feel that if someone were to write the story of your life it would be called Catch-22?  One step forward, two steps back.  Five pounds lost, ten pounds gained.  $250 stimulus check, $500 in the hole?  Well ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my world...

 

Some of my online friends are privvy to the fact that my life isn't as peachy as I try and let on.  Well to be honest, I don't try to "let on" anything, I just go hide in my offline cave when things aren't going well.  Needless to say things have not been going well at all, as my long time absence can attest.  But don't feel bad for not knowing, I even try to hide it from my family.  I have, however, reached the point where I can no longer let my pride, my shame, or my failures keep me quiet.

 

I have to vent to SOMEONE and if that "someone" happens to be a blog, then so be it.  So if anyone is interested in a long and drawn out rant that will continue along several blogs, you are welcome to come back and slog through the mire that is my life.  Comments are appreciated although if you only have negative things to say then try and keep them to a minimum.  Trust me, nothing you say can be any more negative than what I tell myself on a daily basis.

 

My promise to you is this, however...

 

I'll try and make you laugh at least once in each blog because that's just how whacky I am in general and sometimes if you don't laugh about misery, you will just crawl into a corner and rot as you cry...

 

 

Vic

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