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Nash's blog: "SEX JOKES"

created on 10/07/2006  |  http://fubar.com/sex-jokes/b11262
Two guys are hitting the links at their local country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it. The first guy says "Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!" The second one goes, "Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec." So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, "Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?" So the other guy trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his friend says. "Same damn thing," he replies.

OOPS

It's a one-night stand. The couple has just finished having sex. The man kisses the lady and says, "I'd love to stay, but I bet your husband will be coming home anytime now." "Husband?!" the lady asks. "What makes you think I have a husband?" The man says, "I couldn't help but notice the picture of that man on your nightstand." The lady laughs and replies, "Oh, don't be silly. That's just me before the surgery."
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor. "You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A husband and wife are driving along and get in a terrible accident. The husband sustains serious injuries � broken leg, broken ribs, a concussion � but the wife is put into a coma. She lays in the hospital in this coma for a year with no response. One day, a nurse is giving her a sponge bath and rubs her "down there" and the lady lets out a little moan. Stunned, the nurse goes to get the doctor. The doctor doesn�t believe her, so the nurse repeats the procedure to prove it to him; again, the lady lets out a little moan. The doctor tells the nurse to call the husband. The husband comes in and the doctor says, "I don't quite know how to tell you this, but we've had a response out of your wife," and he proceeds to explain what had happened. The doctor then says, "This may sound a little weird, but we think your wife might come out of the coma if you go in and have a little oral sex with her." The husband�s a little weirded out, but he says "I want to help, so I'll do it," and goes into her room. After a few minutes, his wife flatlines. The doctor and nurse rush into the room shouting, "What happened? What happened?" The husband replies, "I, I don't know � she must have choked!"
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
The three stages of marital sex are as follows: Stage 1, House Sex: Upon first being married, the newlyweds engage in sex all over the house; living room, kitchen, shower, etc. Stage 2, Bedroom Sex: After the "honeymoon phase" wears off, sex is only found in the bedroom. Stage 3, Hallway Sex: Being married for so long, the only sex you get is passing each other in the hall and saying, "Fuck you".
An American guy went on a business trip to Japan. The first night there, he gets drunk at a bar. Him and this Japanese women go to a hotel and start having sex. About 4 minutes into having sex, the Japanese women starts screaming Nagasaki!! Nagasaki!! Nagasaki!! The American guy doesn't knows what this means so he keeps on having sex with her. Five minutes later she starts screaming it again. Throughout them having sex she said Nagasaki over and over and over again. The next day him and his Japanese business partener go to play some miniture golf and talk about business. On the 11th hole the Japenes guy hits the ball way to hard and it goes into the 12th hole. After seeing this the Japanese man yells NAGASAKI!!!!!WRONG HOLE!!!!!
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
There's a husband and wife at a nude beach and there lying in the sun nude. All of a sudden this bee flies up into the girls you know what... The guy covers up his wife and takes her directly to the doctor. The doctor inspects the girls vagina and says to the girl "The bee is pretty far up there, our only chance of getting him out is if your husband smears honey on to the tip of his penis and procedes to have intercourse with you. The husband decides to give it a try. He smears on the honey but he cant get hard because he is just so worried about his wife. The doctor says "I wouldn't mind giving it a try if neither of you object." The couple agrees to let the doctor to this and he procedes to smear the honey on to the tip of his dick and then he started screwing the girl. He's screwing her for about 3 minutes and the husband gets the idea that he's enjoying himself. So the husband finally steps up and says "Ok you've been having sex for a while now. Whats going on? Is the bee out yet?" Then the doctor says "Change of plan, Iam gonna drown the little bastard."
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