Nash's blog: "SEX JOKES"

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that: 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 2000, your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10-12" Luxury Tax $30 8-10" Pole Tax $25 5-8" Privilege Tax $15 4-5" Nuisance Tax $3 Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!!!!! Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following question: Are there penalties for early withdrawals? What if one's penis is self-employed? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised? Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes", next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Wow", says the man, "27 and you still belive in goblins

There was this newly married couple, that were taking a tour bus up to Minnesota for their honeymoon. As they were on their way, the bus got a flat tire, and was forced to pull over to the side of the road. The man, named Sven, said to his wife named Olga, "Why don't we go up to the woods and make love? It would be so romantic." Olga said, in reply "No, we must wait til we get to Minnesota, in order for it to be special." Sven said "Ok," and they got back on the bus, and continued on, in persuit of Minnesota. While they were on the bus, the couple began talking to the other passengers, and were starting to have a good time. Among the group, was a bunch of hunters, hoping to get a shot at a huge animal in Minnesota. Just about that time, the bus somehow ran out of gas and was forced to stop for the second time. Once again, Sven ask Olga if she wanted to go up to the woods and make sweet sweet love. Olga responded the same way, by saying that they should wait until they get to Minnesota. So after a long wait, the bus got back on its way, and all the passengers were having a good time when oddly enough, the bus stopped for the third time. This time, the problem was unknown. So, all the passengers got off, to stretch their legs, when Olga asks Sven if he wants to go up to the woods and make sweet love. In suprise, Sven replies "Well what happened to waiting until we get to Minnesota?" Well, Olga said "The hunters said that by the time we get to Minnesota, the fucking season will be over!"

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

A man walks up to a farmer's house and knocks on the door. When a woman opens the door, the man asks her if she knows how to have sex. Not amused, she slams the door in his face. The man knocks again and again asks the same question. Again, not amused , the woman screamed to get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. The husband said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said, "Yes." The man then said, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Terrified, he raised up the umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No" The doctor continued, "There was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." Replied the doctor.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.