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Nash's blog: "I MUST BE LONELY!"

created on 09/14/2006  |  http://fubar.com/i-must-be-lonely/b239
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 25 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly!!!"
A Wal-Mart memo Subject: Special high intensity training Memo to All Wal-Mart Employees: In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top ofthe S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T ). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you. The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)
1. When your only tool is a hammer, all your problems start looking like nails. 2. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 3. Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back. 4. Half the people you know are below average. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 7. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good. 8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 9. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 10. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 12. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15. You can't clean the toilet, while it is still in use. PRISMisms I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! I need someone really bad... are you really bad? The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply. Hang up and drive. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. God must love stupid people, he made so many. Cats... the other white meat. Wink, I'll do the rest! Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it. FM guide to life - Don't name a pig you plan to eat. - Fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. - Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. - Keep skunks and bosses at a distance. - Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. - A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. - Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. - Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. - Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. - Don't corner something meaner than you. - Every path has some puddles. - Most of the stuff people worry about never happens. - Don't squat with your spurs on. - Don't judge people by their relatives. - Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. - Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. - Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. - Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. - It's better to be a has-been than a never-was. - The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. - If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. - It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. - Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got. - Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. - Always drink upstream from the herd. - If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. - Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. - Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. -You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped. - Never miss a good chance to shut up. -Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up. -Indecision is the key to flexibility. -Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. -Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -Do unto others. -The Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those people who opposed them. -If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
Probability of killing, 67%

You have probably seen death. You watch too many horror flicks, play too much violent videogames, or probably exposed to death by where you live. or maybe you have lots of problems with enemies or have little self-esteem. The factors add up that you need to avoid situations or people that could push you to that point.

Are you capable of killing

You are 2% Christian

Tsk, Tsk, and this whole time you thought you were right. You're probably in the list of people who voted for Bush.

How Christian Are You?
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