fishwraphack's blog: "semi-coherent ramblings"

Today is Fat Tuesday. So while Nawlins and other communities party up and get their debauchery on before Lent, it’s also Super Tuesday (Tuesday, TUESDAY, TUESDAY!!!!) This is when voters go to the polls and pretend to be directly involved in the marathon democratic process of electing our next president/commander-in-chief/emperor. Some of you know I’m rather disappointed one key candidate dropped out because of poor primary showings. Democratic New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson probably had the best qualifications on paper. And Hispanic (mi raza) to boot. Alas, he didn’t make it far. He had neither the name recognition nor the fortune of living and serving a more populous state that today’s geography-strapped kids can easily identify on a map (“New Mexico? Is that under or next to Old Mexico?”) Retired General Wes Clark, meanwhile, may have been a Republican in a past life, but has proven his Democratic late bloomer credentials, starting a website and political action committee to raise funds for Demo candidates nationwide. Alas, he didn’t want to get into this fight unlike he did late for the 2004 race. So we’re left with four major candidates. On the Republican side, you have Arizona Senator John McCain, the so-called outspoken maverick, pseudo-campaign reformer and former POW who tagged his 2000 presidential campaign train “the straight talk express.” Fellow Repubs say he has worked too closely with Demos on occasion. And like most politicians, he has flip-flopped on myriad of things. Such as adopting several key conservative positions that he resisted eight years ago to appeal to moderate forces in his party (which are now virtually dormant). He's even claiming to be a Baptist instead of an Episcopalian. Oooh. Scary. Then you have another so-called flip-flopper, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who hopes to become the first president named “Willard.” Hmmm, I guess “Mitt” isn’t so bad after all. He has changed positions on issues such as abortion and gay rights. A Doonesbury cartoon half-joked that if one were to do a Google on “flip flop” and “Mitt Romney,” the return results would be so numerous they would essentially crash your computer. Even your Mac. But look at that amazing hair. Damn! Dude should pick Rick Perry as his running mate. Best coifed candidates ever. Who needs safety from terrorists or family values when you have indestructible hair?! I hear this scion of a Yankee political dynasty now is running as a populist. Bwhahaha!! Yeah, and I’m like Hurley on “Lost,” having won the lottery and unable to spend my millions for fear of bad luck and that thing about being on a deserted island. Lest we forget former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who amazingly was born in the same place Bill Clinton came to life. The Baptist minister is far to the right as you can get. His political base of support doesn’t expand much outside that. Oh yeah, for those still counting, Ron Paul hasn’t given up. Although the college students and so-called libertarians hope he somehow pulls out a miracle. But really. C’mon. Get serious. On the Democratic side, we have…well, we just have Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. That’s it. I mean, you’ve heard and read it all. In some respects, I have come to admire HRC over the years. She kinda does wear the pants in the family. Except now her name carries the same political stigma as Bush does. Obama has so much potential, progressive spirit and careful points. Some believe he could become a Kennedyesque national leader. But in 2012, not 2008. Could an Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama ticket work? Maybe. I could conceive the possibility. You still need an existing Southern politico on the ticket for it all to work (which would have been the case with Clark or – to an extreme – Richardson). John Edwards lurks about as potential VP choice. There also are rumblings of one, perhaps two, independents jumping into the fray. New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, the Demo-turned-Repub-turned-whatever who has plenty of moderate-to-liberal takes on the issues, a seemingly even personality and enough money to run three presidential campaigns. He could be this decade’s Ross Perot without the annoying Texas twang, single-issue emphasis and peculiar “let’s look under the hood/like the crazy aunt in the basement” folksy charm. Additionally, Repub Alan Keyes thinks he can be the African-American Mike Huckabee in this race. Dude, give it a rest already. Even Jesse Jackson knew not to pursue the White House this many times. An upcoming blog on the ’08 presidential race will focus on other independent and fringe candidates with whom you should get more familiar. That is, if you’re into average-joe freakshows who think they have the ability to become our next elected leader. Fun stuff, I tell ya! A few more observations: * Dammit! I needed a king cake today! That’s what I’ve been forgetting. Cripe! What am I giving up for Lent this year? I suppose another shot at putting aside alcohol, pixie sticks and cussing is in store for the next 40 days and nights. * Finally got new wheels. A Toyota Corolla. So, here’s a toast to Japanese engineering and my rediscovered automobile-related peace of mind. * Why did you and your kids have to go see Hannah Montana this past weekend in mass droves?! Why?! That only encourages “them” to do sequels and make Billy Ray Cyrus’ offspring that much more omnipresent. Do you REALLY want that?! Why?! * I’ve just realized, I can’t give up alcohol, pixie sticks or cussing. They all go hand-in-hand. * It’s lacrosse season again. Bring it on! * If you haven't yet seen "Juno," do it now! You won't regret it. And get the freaking soundtrack while ya at it.

What else can I say? Listening to U2, one of the great rock bands of all time, is a pleasure. Watching U2 in concert (as I've done twice) is an adventure, nearly a life-changing, inspirational experience. But seeing the super quartet of Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen in U2-3D at the IMAX Theatre is something else. Awesome isn't just the word. There's something about these talented, charismatic gents that we first met as restless young Irish lads in the early '80s. Something that grabs onto you and never lets go, something that compels you to love yourself, love others and to always look toward a better tomorrow. Seeing the band perform on the truly big screen in an amazingly state-of-the-art/three-dimensional technology -- it's like having a Bono standing right over you! It's like The Edge is just killing riffs in your living room (well, in this case, the front row of the theatre). And you're not just watching a concert film. You're IN the film, right along with the throngs of humanity yearning for an encore, yelling along with familiar anthems in ecstasy. The set list carries mostly the best of U2's long, illustrious career: from Beautiful Day of this decade to one of my eternal favorites (and definite karaoke option) With or Without You. From Yahweh to Sunday Bloody Sunday, it's all their in its splendor along with the group's philosophy of love, peace, understanding and co-existence. The words jump from the screen. Concertgoers leap from the screen and almost into your row. If you've never seen U2 live, but always wanted to, this is a close realistic opportunity as you're likely to have. Now if we could only have The Beatles or Nirvana still around and filmed in IMAX 3-D. I would certainly enjoy immersing myself with the hippies or into the mosh pit (that is, of course, without getting hurt). Beautiful. Excellent. Bravo. Encore!

Yes, this is directed at all the haters out there. The ones who deny that the movie actually met or even exceeded your expectations, but can't bring yourselves to admit as much. Rarely does a film meet the prior hype. Recall the enormous buzz from the teaser attached to Transformers last summer. It worked! Think of it this way: Outlets such as Ain't It Cool News and the Austin Chronicle don't freely give out four stars or glowing praise unless the flick utterly warrants it. Cloverfield does. For those who haven't seen it or those who still think there must be easy meaning to everything, don't worry about the title. It means relatively little. Think outside the box for once in your life. The filmmakers, mainly producer JJ Abrams and director Matt Reeves did. They essentially jettisoned all conventional rules of the sci-fi/monster genre and made a new kind of flick. It's a giant monster thrill ride (even with a bleak end) - just as every monster movie should be. In the grand tradition of Jaws and Jurassic Park. Sure, the jerky-herky camcorder feel has potential to literally make you sick. Imagine Saving Private Ryan meets Blair Witch Project times 10. But the home-movie movement, simultaneous bursts of dialogue (some of it genuinely humorous at even the worst times), startling scenes of violence (but little of it gory) and raw emotion all lend a bit of reality to the proceedings. I mean, is this not how you'd react if a monster from unknown origins suddenly comes stomping all over your cityscape, killing innocents (many of them your friends) and you feel that there's little no place to run and hide? Not that you'd probably be concerned about filming an improvised home movie of such danger and carnage, but it'd make for one helluva clip on YouTube and - ultimately - your Myspace page. Even Harry Knowles of AICN admits it feels like an indie movie on steroids. And heck, there's a slight love story stuck into it all. Even the yuppie party that sets everything up isn't as bad as it sounds in previews. It's all awesome. But as with all Abrams' works, keep your eagle out eye for hidden gems throughout. And enjoy the trailers, such as a sober Robert Downey Jr. kicking ass as Iron Man (fan/geekboys, your cup runneth over) and Abrams' next film du jour, Star Trek. OMG, the beautiful tracking shot of the first USS Enterprise being built in the Federation shipyard. OMG. And yes, I'm sure there are clues a plenty stuck amongst Cloverfield, Star Trek and the upcoming season of Lost. Mind games, folks. Abrams and Bad Robot, you're sick people! In a good way! Next up on the movie list? Juno (finally?). Perhaps There Will Be Blood. U2-3D (a live concert film that's not really a live concert film), defenitely maybe.

Aloha, my devoted, deluded followers ;-P This is one of infamous scattershot blogs. It goes all across the map, so bear with me. Operation Flip this Bachelor Pad/Turn a New Leaf is going along nicely. I continue to endeavor with rearranging things around my home. Which, for me, is a rare challenge that requires timing, patience, persistence, patience, availability and actually waking up at decent times in the morning. Finally, curtains are up! Yes, in a half-assed way, but they finally adorn my two otherwise bland windows, shielding visitors from the hideous shades. And thanks to Mindy and her friend, I now have an ass-kicking new TV set. It's quite the imposing object in my living room, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It replaces a TV set I owned since the early 90s, having taken possession of it after my grandmother's brother in California had died. Although it's more than 20 years old, that TV served me well, giving me thousands of hours of entertainment in the form of sports, science/history geek stuff, cartoons, politics and the very occasional movie LOL The new set will be the center of a semi-quasi-mini-entertainment center that will properly showcase my fine tastes in movies, music and books. That element will be complete once I get a few more cool electronic multimedia gadgets and display storage. I've also acquired the old bed frame and headboard that once belonged to my mom since I can remember. Yep, it had been that long. Eventually, soon, I shall attain a new set of wheels and a second Macintosh for the home. Once those goals are achieved, I will focus my attention on winning the presidential election and, gradually, conquering the Earth with my irresistible charm, good looks and intellect. Baby steps, ya know, baby steps. =p But don't worry. While I have a new view on life and plenty of positive objectives to reach, I have not lost my sarcastic wit. Sorry to disappoint anyone who hopes my sardonic sense of humor has lessened or disappeared outright. Nah, not gonna happen. If that were to happen, then I wouldn't be me! Can't have that. Know that I just nabbed the Family Guy T-shirt where Brian (my favorite character, a martini-swilling, acerbic yet articulate dog) says: "Sarcasm is another free service I offer." Yep, says it all. A few other observations: I wish I could be at Mardi Gras two weeks from now. Alas, Vegas sapped me fiscally and energetically. But the enthusiasm for travel later lives on. Next up: West Texas! Woohoo. Excitement knows no bounds. Props to films such as No Country for Old Men, Juno, Michael Clayton and There Will Be Blood for receiving nominations for the Best Picture Oscar. Not that I've seen the latter three movies, but I've heard awesome things about each one. Juno, of course, is about to hit the $100 million mark, and the more I see the commercials and hearing of Daniel Day-Lewis' performance, the urge to see TWBB grows larger by the day. Aww, Heath Ledger. My heart goes out to his family. Another promising artist gone way too soon before his/her time. But as preliminary reports indicate the presence of anti-anxiety pills (or some sort of drugs), one must wonder. With this incident, Britney's downward spiral (among other celeb disasters), is it really worth all the attention, excess and trouble being famous? Seems easier being just another human being than that one who everybody recognizes on the street, the one everybody else aspires to be. Fred Thompson has ended his long-shot presidential bid. Oh wait. I'm sorry, Fred. You were a candidate? Didn't notice. Go back to Law and Order. I'm sure they'll welcome you back. I think. A study released by two non-profit journalism organizations say the Bush administration released thousands of false statements in the time between 9/11 and the start of the Iraq war. Wow. What a shock. Ya think? Well, Faux News might digress, but anyway...

Can't believe it is already six years since my last excursion to Las Vegas. The two previous trips were simple solo trips that were completely absent of visits to casinos. Really. There's more to Vegas than gambling. Kid you not. But this past weekend was by far my best trip yet. Alcohol, expensive food, lights, sounds, little sleep, alcohol, aliens, did I mention alcohol? For those not in the know, I took part in an extended bachelor party for my friend Randy, who've I known through my best pal Diosdado for more than a decade. I was honored to have been invited to three days of chaos and debauchery. It was a group effort; up to eight total good guys. Most are from different parts Texas, though Randy now lives in California, and another friend, Jason already lives in LV. We enjoyed all that Sin City has to offer. I did spend a good amount of money overall, but not nearly as much as certain other party crew members. Games such as poker and roulette mixed with the casino floor drinks will have that effect. One friend mentioned that Vegas pushes you to the limit. Indeed, it does. Not matter what you do - gamble, walk the numerous shopping centers. dance clubs, conventions, just strolling along the Strip - you're in for an adventure that will take its toll on your pocketbook and sleep schedule if you're not careful. I personally didn't gamble save for a few simple slot machines. My "game" was just to soak in the atmosphere. Be it the semi-extravagant dinners that I rarely take part in back home, or the rush to gather alcoholic provisions to take back to our Hilton hotel rooms, or the excessive cocktails and shots procured in an upscale dance club. Or maybe it was roaming around town in a rental car at 4 a.m., or carrying a rather tall frozen drink on the streets at 11 a.m. Saturday, traversing amazingly designed themed casino/hotels, or observing that Vegas seems to be undergoing more casino/hotel construction than ever before. Perhaps it was the excessively-priced stylish clothes on sale at different high-end boutiques or the glorious Borg Sphere drink I had for lunch at Quark's Restaurant and Bar at the Star Trek Experience (and this one was only HALF of what I could have ordered), or TSA agents mistaking me for an al-Qaeda agent or my having to steal the Martian artifact from outside Area 51. OK, that last activity didn't take place. That'll happen on the next visit ;-) Gracias again to Diosdado and company for an awesome yet exhausting time! Here's a toast to you, Randy, and the new life you're about to embark upon. The weekend re-awakened up my covert enthusiasm for traveling and for simply throwing caution to the wind. It also reminded me to never again buy bottled water from an upscale club LOL

You, my ever-gracious throngs of adoring fans, must be eager with anticipation for my upcoming blog about the presidential campaign. The primaries are underway. Mudslinging is in no short supply. Media pundits are in political orgasmic ecstasy. (Eeewww. Perhaps I should not have let my mind stray that far!) In any case, my essay will be nothing short of hilarious, insightful and rather vitriolic. I'm gonna tear a few people some new ones 8-P Be patient. My wisdom and wit is forthcoming, my future minions and underlings ... er, I mean friends, Romans, countrymen! For now, I entertain the masses with poetry courtesy of one of my English courses at The University Formerly Known as Southwest Texas. Enjoy. Remember: it's polite to laugh WITH me, not AT me ;-P LOL Understand a gap is not a nothing the temptation of an open space is to fill it of a silence to break it of a look to speak it and still solitude may foolishly be constructed as loneliness. Was Not Meant I saw you next in line you looked my way our eyes locked, I looked down you continued to stare I shifted my feet you continued to stare I looked up at you and smiled you looked down what could have happened? Fin If originality strikes me in the immediate future, perhaps I'll attempt an epic poem in ancient Latin. Just maybe. If you're nice to me. And say pretty please.

My first blog of 2008. And it's not a movie review. Well, that will be forthcoming. But first, I wish all my friends a belated happy new year. May 2008 be all that you hope for in greatest wishes. Here's a crazy thought for those of you who know me well enough -- my brooding outlook on life is lightening up a bit. Just a tad ;-) You're looking at a slightly different Edmond Ortiz. I'm now endeavoring to take a more idealistic yet practical, optimistic view on life. Don't get me wrong. My famed (or infamous) sardonic wit remains, but life is definitely getting better by the day. To what and whom do I owe this renewed sense of purpose? My faith in God for one. I'm far enough since my rock-bottom days of the late summer of 2006 to realize that, yes, life goes on. For the better. My family has been a source of pride and proper focus. Despite recent corporate changes, my job remains challenging and fun. And then there's my friends. An eclectic, fun-loving, crazy group of friends have not only kept up my spirits, but reassured my faith in humanity, particularly the past year. Special props go to Diosdado, whose smile and easygoing style in the 20-plus years I've known him constantly remind me to not take everything so seriously; and to Mindy, whose warmth and strength are incredible and always brings the best out of me in every way. Gracias to you and everyone. So, now in the manner of self-improvement, a few things are changing. My bachelor pad for one. I'm re-arranging things. Which for me is a mind-blowing concept to even grasp much less bring to fruition. I pledge to be enlarge my circle of friends and be "an even better pal" to those already in my sphere of influence. You know who you are; drinks are on me! If you aren't already texting me for our next outing, well, get the @$% on the phone! LOL I pledge to actually do traveling, and not just think about it. Dio and I are headed for a weekend of mayhem and mischief in Vegas this weekend for Randy's bachelor party. Vegas, baby. Vegas =P And soon enough, I'll FINALLY make it out to West Texas, and plans are in the works for a couple of grand excursions to the Northeast. Who knows what will come after that -- another Wurstfest, another Renaissance Faire? I'm game. Look at the movies I have to look forward to: Indiana Jones 4, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (see one of the clips), Star Trek, The Dark Knight, Cloverfield, to name a few. Look at the new TV shows or new seasons I have to look forward to this winter/spring: 24, Lost (another clip), Battlestar Galactica, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Doctor Who, Jericho, The Venture Brothers, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Gotta exercise a bit more, and I PROMISE a new set of wheels, TV set and second computer are on the horizon. With any luck, a change of residence later this year. In spite of a looming recession and a painful presidential campaign (anyone wanna fund mine?) 2008 could be a nice, productive year. I mean, the only way is up 8-) In the immediate meantime, here we come Vegas. Enjoy the NFL playoffs! Enjoy the National Hockey League All-Star Game! Enjoy a possible ice storm that hopefully, maybe will hit San Antonio! (please please please please =) Look, more exclamation points!

A miracle of sorts has happened: Watching TWO film musicals on the big screen in the same calendar year. Amazing. Not since my late junior high school years and falling instantly for cinematic versions of Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, Little Shop of Horrors, Tommy, Grease, West Side Story and Top Secret (dammit people, that IS a musical!) had I felt exuberant over musicals. But you know, the planets and closest constellations (not to mention the right plot, songs and casting) must first align to create the perfect storm for me. I'll keep this review of Sweeney Todd brief. It's bloody good. Pun and no pun intended. As I said on my MS calendar, it was another role Johnny Depp seemed destined to play, even when he first joined forces with Tim Burton for Edward Scissorhands. Still fresh of 21 Jump Street and film fans were beginning to take notice 16-17 FREAKIN' YEARS AGO! Burton has made a career out of reveling in the truly ghoulishly, sardonic, mischievous delights that reign among gothic, darkly humorous, subversive elements. And Depp (and Helena Bonham Carter, to an extent) have been perfect muses for Burton in this realm. And vice versa. The casting shines in Sweeney Todd, with Alan Rickman still recalling the sneering Die Hard/Hans Gruber character that put him on the map. And there is something to be said for Sasha Baron Cohen, when he channels Borat, Ali G, the Talledega Nights driver and roughly four other characters (including, eventually, his true self) in the rival Pirelli. Indeed, Sweeney Todd is not like the more bold, adventurous, unconventional musicals that have crossed the movie screens over recent years. Newer originals (dare I say, semi-rock operas) such as Moulin Rouge and Across the Universe really have no comparison. ST is more traditional, holding rather true to its Broadway roots save for the excess amount of splattering blood. Its Dickensian/Brechtian spirit of impoverished 19th century London rings true in every dark sewer, dingy alleyway and wretched piece of vermin that appears on screen. For a musical/film that embraces death, despair and vengeance, Sweeney Todd is devilishly gory fun. As the Boyz II Men song goes, we've now come to the end of the road. Of 2007. Overall, it was a great year. I could've accomplished some trips, more reading, or increasing my DVD and musical collection. Being a better friend to some. But that's why you look to the next year to have a clean slate and redefine yourself. And besides, we have five years left before the ancient Mayan calendar expires, so let's make this time count!

Richard Matheson's 1954 novel has been adapted three primary times for film. Each movie has remained basically faithful to the book, but not without deleting some other major reference or plot development. The Vincent Price vehicle, in hindsight, was a miscast. The early 70s version with Charlton Heston still in his Ten Commandments phase, somehow mixed up social revolution and blaxploitation in the process. As far as big-budget blockbusters go, this Will Smith I Am Legend makes for enjoyable reviewing. Special effects are awesome, as a New York City (and by imaginary extension, the world) is rendered dead and vacant by a virus that mutated from a cancer cure. Smith's rather ripped military scientist, Robert Neville, traverses Manhattan's deserted streets by SUV (or in one case, a Mustang) and goes through apartments and stores, collecting all he can in the way of non-perishable food or even DVDs. The "survivors," in a sense," are not the traditional vampires in Matheson's books. Instead, they're more like distant cousins of zombies from 28 Days (or Weeks) Later. Nowadays, movie zombies are pale and bald, making up for their lack of conversational skills with super speed and strength. They distaste light, especially ultra-violet, and are infectious with one bite. Sadly, it seems so much money was spent on special effects (and no; doubt Smith's salary), little was left to produce more intriguing CGI zombies. They're more like grown-up Gollums. Smith's Neville doesn't stockpile liquor like Matheson's Neville did. Instead, he spends his time trying to communicate by radio, hunting for live game, playing with his faithful canine Sam and working on a vaccine that is initially very unsuccessful on "the darkseekers." Unlike the past two film adaptations, there are flashbacks to life before the apocalypse. There's a Spielberg "War of the Worlds" type scene where amongst the throng of humanity yearning to break free of a soon-to-be-quarantined Manhattan Island, Neville tries to scurry his family to safety. Eventually, Neville meets two regular survivors. By then it's clear, he has lost his faith in God ("God didn't do this, we did") and is slowly losing his mind -- all the while fanatically holding onto the idea that he can fix the whole thing. As a scientist, fighter and stricken family man, Smith plays it well and cool. There are thrills and chills, and ultimately you may feel a desire to delve deeper into moral implications of human devolution, genetic engineering, isolation, free will and the like. Until then, just put your brain on neutral and enjoy. Ah, perhaps one or two more flicks to watch before 2007 closes (Sweeney Todd and Juno). Oh my, The Dark Knight trailer is ridiculously awesome. Add that to my must-see 2008 list along with Indiana Jones and the Quest to Recapture Lost Youth.

First, let’s get the haphazard observations and events out of the way here: * I’ve chosen not to decorate my bachelor pad for the holidays (save for some pet-themed stockings). Why? Because I’m simply not in the mood. Not that it would take me a time-consuming 10 minutes to erect a desktop tree as well as wreath and lights for one of two windows. And having mistletoe above my one door would be tricky because virtually no friends or family visit, and a stranger making a sudden appearance (delivery person, Jehovah’s Witness, salesperson) might make for an awkward situation if one wishes to stay true to the mistletoe tradition. * What merciful god would permit the Spice Girls to reunite and kick off a world tour? My sweet Jesus. I believe we all shall soon fall beneath a shadow of a plague of locusts. The end is near. Bring out your dead. * The season finale of “Torchwood” and the movie/appetizer “Battlestar Galactica: Razor” each was awesome in a taut, tense, thrilling way. “The Boondocks” and “Pushing Daisies” are improving with each passing week. “The Simpsons” remains positively the same, but “Family Guy” and “American Dad” have gone gleefully insane this season. But in a good way. * Must get the “Futurama” direct-to-DVD flick, “Bender’s Big Score.” Now. * For giggles and out of curiosity, I've created a profile at Facebook. It's under my full name. If you're there, feel free to hit me up anytime. if you really, truly care. Chastize me, joke around, support my future presidential candidacy. Or maybe not. Whatever. * Some family members of mine (like many other people) are feeling a bit down (for various reasons) this holiday season. Help me to say a prayer for them (or at least provide positive thoughts). I’d appreciate it. Now to the main event: So, why is it that virtually every sports organization in America from competitive knitting to college hockey has a fair way of determining an annual champion except for Division I-A college football? The current system, the Bowl Championship Series, should be renamed the Bull Crap Set-Up. How is it that the most popular form of college spectator athletics uses computer-generated rankings and the opinions of supposedly unbiased sports writers to determine a national champ? Under this ludicrous system, high-profile schools are assured of snagging millions of dollars in payouts, advertising revenues, sponsorships every year just because they get "appointed" to the BCS bowls. What about the worthy teams in low-profile conferences that must practically pray for a BCS shot despite undefeated or one-loss seasons? The madness must stop. Sure, the current bowl system (and programs previous to the BCS) is lucrative for the select few conferences, schools and respective TV networks. Nonetheless, there is something reprehensible about a major athletic organization – NCAA Division I-A football – that refuses to let its absolute best teams (not necessarily the most honored or flashiest) to actually play each other to decide who wins a national title. The current bowl system is an archaic lifestyle run by money-hungry conference commissioners who are not creative or courageous enough to realize that a single-elimination playoff could yield yet EVEN MORE MONEY, HIGHER TV RATINGS and LESS CONTROVERSY for all those involved. My idea is rather simple. Let’s have 16 teams fight for a new type of BCS national title. All I-A members could continue playing 10-11 game regular seasons. For a single-elimination, 16-team tournament, each Division 1-A conference would have at least one representative. This is based upon either a regular-season or conference-championship-game winner claiming an automatic berth. There are 11 such conferences as of 2007-08. (Just on name recognition alone, why the Ivy League is left out is beyond me. And no, don’t throw “academics don’t mix with athletics” jokes.) As it stands now, any I-A independent team or champ from a "lackluster conference" (Western Athletic Conference, Conference USA) that is ranked sixth or higher in the BCS standings is BCS-eligible. However all conference champions must have at least seven wins against an I-A opponent. Wins do NOT include a conference title game outcome. Any conference champ that does not meet this criterion would be replaced in a tournament by a qualified wildcard. There would be 4 to 5 wildcards, depending on the presence of a qualified independent. Wildcards would be determined using four or five highest ranked non-conference champions – and independents – in the Bowl Championship Series poll. Any independent that goes the season undefeated, despite their overall BCS ranking, is BCS-eligible. The BCS poll essentially remains an averaging of the computer, Harris, USA Today and Associated Press polls. The 16 BCS teams would be seeded 1-16, according to their top-to-bottom ranking in the BCS. (1 vs. 16; 8 vs. 9; 5 vs. 12; 4 vs. 13; 2 vs. 15; 7 vs. 10; 6 vs. 11; 3 vs. 14) as well as overall records and strength of schedule. This means 15 games to be played for the grand prize. The current bowl system, for the most part, can remain intact. Based on annual payouts to the schools, longevity and prestige, a bowl game can become THE national championship match or one of the semi-finals. Using the 2007-08 model, the most lucrative, prestigious and oldest (traditional) bowls are Rose, Orange, Sugar, Fiesta (these four are the current BCS bowls that revolve each year as the so-called title game), Capital One (formerly Florida Citrus/Tangerine), Cotton, Gator, Outback, Chick-Fil-A (formerly Peach), Sun, Holiday, Liberty, Alamo, Independence and Insight. Of course, the payouts in this discussion don’t include advertisements, ticket sales, and television contracts. Using this model, these bowls would play host to BCS playoff games in chronological order: Insight, Independence, Alamo, Liberty, Holiday, Sun, Chick-Fil-A, Outback (first round quarterfinals); Gator, Cotton, Capital One, Rose (second round semi-finals); Sugar and Fiesta (third round finals); Orange (national title game). One factor for determining who plays in what bowl in the first round could be region. Another factor could be the traditional invites that still dominate the non-BCS bowls. The new system wouldn’t have to be exact, but for the sake of argument the Cotton can still host a Big 12-SEC battle. Also, any of the four current BSC bowls can be rotated every year for hosting duties of the championship game, third round matches and a semi-final. The third weekend of December is when the tournament would start. Wednesday-Saturday, (1st round) sees two bowls played each day, allowing for adequate TV coverage. (Realistically, the tourney cannot compete with NFL Sunday.) Bowls traditionally played on New Year’s Eve and/or New Year’s Day and afterward are championship (Final Four) rounds. Final 2007 regular season BCS rankings (amalgamated AP and USA Today polls / *-denotes conference title-holders / # - divisional leader 1. Ohio State (Big 10 *) 2. LSU (SEC *) 3. Virginia Tech (Big East *) 4. Oklahoma (Big 12 *) 5. Georgia (SEC East #) 6. Missouri (Big 12 North #) 7. USC (Pac-10) 8. Kansas (Big 12 North #) 9. West Virginia (Big East *) 10. Hawaii (WAC *) 11. Arizona State (Pac-10 *) 12. Florida 13. Illinois 14. Boston College (ACC Atlantic #) 15. Clemson 16. Tennessee 17. BYU (Mountain West *) 18. Wisconsin 19. Texas 20. Virginia 21. South Florida 22. Cincinnati 23. Auburn 24. Boise State 25. Connecticut (Big East *) Unranked conference champions with automatic berths: Central Michigan (Mid-American); Troy (Sun Belt); Central Florida (Conference USA *). {Fucking Longhorns had to lose to OU, Aggies and Texas Tech, didn’t you. Might as well rename the Holiday Bowl the Mack Brown Bowl and just keep permanent hotel reservations in San Diego.} For a 16-team field, schools would be seeded according to overall BCS numbers and, if needed, averaged USA Today and AP Top 25 polls and records. Regional interest in a matchup would be a factor in bowl placement, particularly in the first round. The new Top 16 (1 to 16) list is in order for these seeds: Ohio State, LSU, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma, Georgia, Missouri, USC, Kansas, West Virginia, Hawaii, Arizona State, BYU, Central Florida, Connecticut, Troy, Central Michigan. This is how the 2007-08 postseason would go down (if a bit more fairness ruled the land)... FIRST ROUND (Dec. 12-15) Insight Bowl in Phoenix (10 Hawaii vs. 7 USC) Independence Bowl in Shreveport (13 Central Florida vs. 4 Oklahoma) Alamo Bowl in San Antonio (9 West Virginia vs. 8 Kansas) Liberty Bowl in Memphis (14 UConn vs. 3 Virginia Tech) Holiday Bowl in San Diego (11 Arizona State vs. 6 Missouri) Sun Bowl in El Paso (12 BYU vs. 5 Georgia) Chick-Fil-A Bowl in Atlanta (16 Central Michigan vs. 1 Ohio State) Outback Bowl in Tampa (15 Troy vs. 2 LSU) WINNERS: Ohio State, LSU, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma, Georgia, Arizona State, West Virginia and USC. SECOND ROUND {1-16 vs. 8-9 & 5-12 vs. 4-13; Bracket I} {2-15 vs. 7-10 & 6–11 vs. 3-14; Bracket II} (Dec. 20-21) Gator Bowl in Jacksonville (Georgia vs. Oklahoma; Bracket I) Cotton Bowl in Dallas (USC vs. LSU; Bracket II) Capital One Bowl in Orlando (West Virginia vs. Ohio State; Bracket I) Rose Bowl in Pasadena (Arizona State vs. Virginia Tech; Bracket II) WINNERS: Georgia, LSU, West Virginia and Virginia Tech THIRD ROUND (Dec. 28 Final Four) Fiesta Bowl in Tempe (Virginia Tech vs. LSU; Bracket II final) Sugar Bowl in New Orleans (West Virginia vs. Georgia; Bracket I final) WINNERS: West Virginia and LSU CHAMPIONSHIP GAME (Jan. 7) Orange Bowl in Miami (West Virginia vs. LSU) WINNER: Eh, you can play with that all you want. Oh, and if you seek some levity with the bowl madness and corporate America overstepping its boundaries, consider these ludicrous monikers: Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl; Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl; Papajohns.com Bowl; R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl; San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl; Meineke Car Care Bowl. I long for the days of the Poulan Weedeater Bogdog.com Papa Dante’s Restaurant Cherry Bowl (brought to you by Allstate Agent John Doe).