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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
How To Speak Southern (Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow.
"Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck.
"JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north ofFlorida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.
"MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.
"IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni.
"Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!
"RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.
"ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in mypickup truck.
"FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all inmy pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.
"BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!
"TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn'tgit a flat tar in my pickup truck.
"TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
"HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix.
"RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65.
"TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred
"RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.
"LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.
"FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country.
"DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim.
"EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are inLA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!
"BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.
"JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach JimmyJohnson recently toured the University of Alabama?
"HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert.
"SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?
"HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?
"GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
You know you're a redneck when...
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
People might think you are a Redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball...
"You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sandTrekked a lonely caravan,Men on camels, two by two,Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,Met three whores in a pop up tent.They was three, and we was two,So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won, hands down!
