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Boy has this been a busy week. The weekend was fantastic...I almost did a big fat bag of nothing...and yet still accomplished a lot. But I thought it might be a good idea for ME...to summarize what I learned this week.
OK that's 11 things. I have also decided to make some resolutions for this week.
I am going to tell people what I think...because...well why the eff not right?
Ok....we'll see how this works out. hahaha
What ever happened to Stained? That Aaron guy had SO much angst...you would have thought he was in a Twilight movie.
Frozen dinners, after almost 50 years of product development, still taste just as ass as they did when I was 8 and my mom tried to get me to eat them. WTF? Really? You still haven't found a way to make the pasta taste even SORTA like something?
I like/dislike American Idol contestant tryouts. You get some great stories...and I love seeing the douchebags wilt and cry after getting rejected...but I don't need to see the costumes and such. Can't we get over that part now? We have REAL judges...let's not waste their valuable time with William Hungs...
Insomnia is a horrible thing to have. Almost as bad as vertigo. I actually felt really sorry for Tyler Hansbrough tonight when I had yet ANOTHER vertigo attack. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be for an NBA player to out of nowhere have to lay down, close your eyes and possibly vomit because your brain is spinning out of control. It just sucks it.
I think the right girlfriend would be totally cool. I think the wrong one would absolutely be horrible right now.
I still don't understand why drive up teller machines have brail.
If a chimpanzee punches you in the face in the jungle...will anyone hear it?
Were and we're are two different words people...
P.S. Don't argue with me about Microsoft WORKS and WORD being the same program. They are not. (That one's for my really stupid classmate)
That's all for now..
So there I am at the Oregon State Fair. Just like every year. I go for the hand dipped corn dogs, the demolition derby (more on this in a minute) and for the people watching. Since it's Oregon I don't feel as bad making fun of the people there. It's like a train wreck.
For instance, yesterday I saw a woman that must have gone 300 lbs. Not a big deal. UNTIL. You put that woman in a tube top with tight spandex shorts. Smoking. Pushing 2 kids in a stroller with one in tow. And her 130lb boyfriend with the jailhouse tattoos and crooked hat. It was awesome. Every manner of hillbilly and mountain folk were there. It was a joy to experience.
Now, no one else in my family shares my love of demolition derbies. I don't understand it. Cars...crash into each other on purpose. It's like the Mall parking lot at Christmas with all women drivers. Ha ha ha ha. But seriously...it just doesn't get any better. Men with dirty clothes and as many teeth as their cars have wheels run into each other as hard as they can. They paint numbers like 69 and 420 on their cars. If there is something better in life then watching this kind of hillbilly destruction I don't know what it is.
I have taken to playing Lord of the Rings on the Xbox 360 lately. Adam and Stick play too...so don't think I am the ONLY geek. I have said things like "I can't believe you killed my cave troll, my goblins are on the prowl now" and other things that should only be said while wearing a cloak and drinking Mountain Dew in your mom's basement.
Oh yeah. boobs rule.
OK...so...there I was at Washington Square Mall the other day and as I was strolling through the mall...I noticed quite a few boobs on display. Women of all shapes and sizes had tank tops, tight shirts and plunging necklines on. It wasn't that I sat out to oogle boobs, oh no....I was there to power shop but obviously I became distracted. Now there was one young lady in particular...probably in her mid-to-late 20's with a nice set of cannon balls on display walking right at me. The neckline on her shirt was just above her belly button...so to say I could see cleavage would be an understatement. And again...she was probably a 36D or possibly a DD so they were REALLY out there...so I decided to go ahead and appreciate them. Yeah...I looked right at them. I didn't do it in a creepy "I wanna motorboat those things" kinda way...no...just a 1001, 1002, 1003 kinda look...and she had the NERVE to say "hope you got a good look" as we passed by.
Yes...Yes I did get a good look at those funbags you had right out there on display. Ladies...if you don't want us to appreciate your boobs, don't show them to us. Since the days of being 12 years old and trying to sneak a look at the old man's Playboys or the bra section of the Sears catalog men have been fascinated by boobs. We want to look, we want to touch, we basically LOVE boobs. You know this. You knew it when you fished in your closet and pulled out that plunging neckline. I am sure you tell your friends "I wear this because it makes me feel sexy.." and sure it does...BECAUSE WE LOOK doorknobs. If we weren't like.."Hey....nice boobs" you wouldn't feel sexy...you'd just be cold. So again I say...if you don't want me checking out your cans, wear a t-shirt.
Along the same lines...if you don't want me checking out your nipples, WEAR A BRA. If you go braless in air conditioning...know we'll be looking. This really shouldn't be a shock to you all...I mean...don't you look in the MIRROR? ENJOY our respect. Rejoice in our appreciation of your mammary monsters. Next time I am whipping out the camera phone.
I really don't have anything on butts, except that I like them
Bitch Stole My Fish. You have seen it because it's my picture on here. Why you ask? Why would I have a picture of that poor little boy looking like he wants to unleash what HAS to be a strong pimp hand on the young lady holding his fish? What does that say about society? Well I'll tell you.
Bitch stole my fish says "Hey Mr. Government...we won't pay $3.09 for gas anymore. Go kick some ass in the middle east and get the price down or YOU will get the pimp hand."
Bitch Stole My Fish says "Hey you criminals..no more time at the Washington State facility for educating and reforming our wayward adults. No no...Bitch Stole My Fish says...you do the crime...you'll do the time but you'll do it in a small cell with no cable, no books and your days will consist of making big rocks little rocks. Only when criminals fear our correctional system like they fear the Strong Pimp Hand will the balance be restored."
Bitch Stole My Fish says "Hey...all you women (and mens) who think you are better than someone else and can walk all over the little guy. You have soemthing coming. And it's called the back of my little hand. Everyone on this planet has something special and unique to offer someone else. And if you can't see beyond the exterior to find it then maybe you need a lil hand to clear your vision. Get to KNOW someone before you write them off as weird, odd and freakin creepy. I gave Adam that chance and now look at him! (Sorry Anderson...I had to...ha ha ha)"
And finally Bitch Stole My Fish says "World....you have no idea the punishment coming your way from the two feet of bad ass determination standing right here. You can accomplish anything that you set your mind to and dream of (except evidently getting past Salma Hayek's bodyguard) if you are willing to put in the work and keep your game and your lil pimp hand strong."
That is all for now...
So I am sick as hell. And I am sitting here at home (ed note...I didn't finish this yesterday when I was home sick...so I am posting this morning...) thinking...what's my favorite song. I decided that today it's Buckcherry's Crazy Bitch. Why you ask? Well...not since "Closer" from NIN has there been a song that just lays it out there like this. With Closer...you got "I want to f**k you like an animal" well grrrrr baby grrrr. Talk about just calling it right out. Do you think he meant a cougar? Or maybe a racoon? I like to think he meant a really horny chimpanzee. I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grown up Jesus, or teenage Jesus, or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want. (sorry...I know it doesn't fit...but I LOVE that movie) Anyways...like Trent Reznor, Josh Todd who is the lead singer of Buckcherry decided to call America out and let us know about a unique segment of the female population and his fascination with them. Crazy Bitch talks about that one nutty chick who you don't want to marry...but that isn't why you have her around anyways. Every guy knows that chick. You keep waiting to hear from your friends that she tried to break into an ex's house or see her on the news. She's nuts...but she's also a hellcat in the sack. So let's break the song down a little. Verse 1: Break me down, you got a lovely face, We're going to your place, And now you got to freak me out, Scream so loud, getting f**kin' laid, You want me to stay, but I got to make my way. OK...so...she's hot, she says...let's get outta here...go to my place and do the dirty. Oh yeah. She's awesome...it's hot...then she says something like "I love you...did you want to move in tomorrow" or "You remind me of my ex...I wish I hadn't killed him..." so bam...WOW..it's REALLY late....gotta run! My number? Sure..it's 555-1212. OK...verse 2. Well verse 2 doesn't make a lot of sense so we'll skip to the chorus...cause that's where the beef is anyways. "Hey You're a crazy bitch But you f**k so good, I'm on top of it When I dream, I'm doing you all night Scratches all down my back to keep me right on. There it is. You're in my head...I can't stop thinking about you...at the same time...I worry about the safety of my cat and car...and I am glad you don't know where I live.
I hope this trend of honesty in music continues. I like the sappy rock ballads like Daughtry's Over you as well. I mean everyone can relate and all. But for today...I like the honesty of Buckcherry...and I salute them! That's all....for now anyways.. :)
A list of today's random thoughts.
Kanye West is a punk bitch. There. I said it. Sorry about your mom and all...but I swear if he comes out with a tribute album because him mom died having PLASTIC SURGERY...well just think 50 Cent.."been hit with a few slugs now I walk with a limp"
The Trail Blazers are going for 12 in a row tonight. I won't say it's a lock...because no game is...but the Timberwolves suck and we SHOULD win. My F.U. goes out to ESPN who still won't show good highlights from our games because of the East Coast bias and that freaking TOOL on TNT who keeps calling Travis Outlaw Bo. Bo Outlaw played 12 years ago...get over it tool shed.
My child is talking more then ever...sadly some of her new words include "no" and "I don't want to" or she just pretends not to hear me at all. It was cute at first...but now I need to figure out a way to outsmart her. She's too cagey for her own good...like the female Stewie...I am sure she is plotting something that doesn't bode well for me.
I have been calling my friend Julie and leaving messages from the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. I often call her and leave messages from random famous and non-famous people...but this series from the Bhagwan has been probably my best so far. I wish I could share the work with others...but you can only call one person at a time. If you want to get on the list let me know...you might get a special call from the Bhagwan!!!
General Tso Chicken is awesome. So is the Lemon Chicken at Cajun Grill. I love chicken. Nothing more need be said.
40 is the new 30...and I love the women my age who are taking that to heart. Go on with your bad self gurls. Shake it like a polaroid picture.
I like changing the lyrics to songs when I am singing in the car. Why not? Maybe mine are better. I could write songs...like Stephen Lynch.
I am most likely insane...but that's Shirley's fault (Tanya knows what I am talking about....high 5 sis!)
That's all for now. I am going to go torment the nerds at Bust Buy at lunch with a onslaught of random and silly questions about connecting my ipod to the internet or something.
Wow...where do I begin.
Today I read a story about a man in New Jersey that used to be a cop...he got busted for having sex with a cow. Not regular sex mind you...but he was getting oral love from a cow. Digest that for a moment. How EXACTLY do you convince a cow to give you a hummer? Do you sprinkle sugar on your wang and hope the cow thinks it's a sugar lick? Last time I checked cows don't have the best oral hygene AND snaggle teeth...reminds me of this girl....nevermind. So anyways...this didn't just happen once...oh no....that cow lovin was SO good he went back FOUR times. I can't even comprehend.
I am now on week 5 of not really eating fast food anymore. Gone are the days of double quarter pounders and french fries. Sometimes people here at work bring it in and I smell it. It's amazing my body's reaction to the smell. I want to punch out whoever is eating it and drag the meat into a corner and eat it like a beast.
I got busted Tuesday for thong watching at the gym. Word of advice...if you don't want people looking at your thong, don't wear low rise sweats to the gym and bend over in front of me. The gym isn't a fashon show...and if you are going to do that don't be surprised if I look cause as a dude you can't make eye contact with other dudes for too long or they will start asking you if you want to sauna together. Also...it's SUCH bad form to hang out in the sauna with your junk free to the wind. I't s public sauna not a gay bar. Cover your junk up.
I am really pissed that The Office season was so short. I support the writers and everything...and I understand the reason behind the strike and all...but still. This was an epic season for Jim and Pam and I feel like I got shorted...the season finale is next week, But god I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. There were some GOOD shows...especially after the strike. I am also pissed that Heroes didn't come back at all. WTF. I can't boycott it cause it's awesome...but I am taking the Hayden screen saver off for 2 days as a boycott. Just 2 days though...she's some hot jailbait. LOL
I need a new car. Suggestions appreciated. I saw a Jaguar today I loved. I also love the Audi A6 (Not Adams cause it's held together with bailing wire and gum) and the Saab. Suggestions?
Remember...life isn't fair when Derek Anderson gets $5 million a year and an NBA Championship ring and a Marine makes barely enough to stay above the poverty line. Hug a Marine....or any service member today....they are the only thing standing between you and the bad guys and they do it for $1300 a month.
