White Buffalo's blog: "random stuff"

i am really suffering from a lack of sympathy.....i could possibly understand it if it was people i barely knew but they seem to be paying me the most attention since my sons death...people who i have known my whole life act like i don even exist now....they wont return phone calls or answer emails and it really hurt because i am still raw over his passing and am really needing the attention to help me cope....even the people i see every day seem not to notice me or even acknowledge anything bad has happened...the people i live with are hurting me the most because even in the begining it seems they were like "oh that sucks"  instead of "oh my god how can i help"......i have never been through this type of loss before and i feel terrible for anyone else who has but damnit i need to feel like people care its me thats hurting and not my ex....the heffer got her bills paid rent and all for a year by the people in her community and i cant even get help with an electric bill....where the hell is the justice in this life i actually care he passed away to her he was just a child support check i couldnt pay half the time cause it was so high......its all making me bitter and all i want is to drink myself stupid tto hell with work and the peole around me and to hell with her and her bullshit....i have been kicking myself because i wasnt there to try and find him and i have people who are friends with her sending me messages saying thsng like "why are you being so mean to her she just lost "her" child".....he was my child too and i deserve some respect for just that reason....i dont know maybe its me and i am so wrapped up in my grief that i dont see the "big" picture but i am hurting to after all and it doesnt seem anyone who should care enough to treat me like i am grieving does!!!!!!!

fathers need love to and maybe i wasnt the best in that respect but she made it that way.....everytime i did anything for myself before i left oklahoma i got the why didnt you spend that on your kids call....couldnt even buy a pair of tennis shoes without her knowing about it.....

oh well enough ranting for now sorry if i have offended anyone i just dont understand how people can be so cold.