I sit hear awake again... the short hours of the night growing long with thoughts of my life.waht makes my mind go on as it does I do not know. It seems that when my mind starts to work as it is now I fall deeply and pitifully into depression. A place I do not want nor need to go. But it seems my life is slowly changing... I no longer fill the voids that I feel with empty promises of change... I no longer feel the need to go out and have sex or do massive amounts of drugs to feel happy. Instead I try and fill my life with the little things that make me happy. Good music good friends and my loving family... I am not prerfect I know this more than you can imagine, but I also Know that I like the PERSON that I am... I am happy being me. The situation I am in may not be appealing, but the person I am is someone I would want to be friends with. That of course is not saying much since I want to be friends with everybody. But I am happy with myself none the less. It seems these days the only time I can sleep is after I have written. It doesnt have to be anything per se just random musings of my day and of my life, but I fall into slumber much more quickly after I have written, maybe it is because I know longer have those thoughts cluttering my mind and demanding attention... At any rate I have decided to post my random thoughts as blogs... only because I think If people should choose to read them It may give deeper insight into me, but also because I have nothing to hide... If my friends are truely my friends they wont cringe at my darker thoughts and they will celebrate with me when I find a new insight into myself... Everything I write is unedited, axactly as it flows to the keyboard, so If my randomness gets to be too much oh well, I at least I am being honest about my random side... once again... deeper insight is to be had in that as well... One of the many thoughts cluttering my mind tonight is one of happiness, although I am quite obviously still timid about it... I met a really great guy tonight... Online, because it is still quite hard for me to get out... We talked for hours and hours... Before our conversation started He told me he was looking for someone "more traditional" by the end of the night he said maybe I wasnt looking for tradition... that made me feel good... like If I am just myself and I let a conversation go where it may, things will always work out in the end... now mind you I wasnt trying with this guy, he stated up front that I was not what he was looking for, but I figured we could still be friends, because you can never have too many of those... I am the type of person that beleive there is truth behind every joke... and he jokingly said he loved me HA HA HA I know right... Now I honestly do not beleive this to be the case, as we have only talked one night, but I beleive the potential is there and i hope it goes well... we have the same tastes in music which is a fantastic thing because anybody who knows anything about me knows that music is my life... silence is not golden, music is... silence insights my brain to run off in a billion different directions, where as music sends my thoughts flowing in one direction... we talked about compputers... hes good with computers, I am not, but It gives him something to teach me, for I am ALWAYS wanting to learn new things, I talked alot about myself, and he seemed genuinely astonished, because we have alot in common... He said I understand him, and that no one around here understands him as he grew up in a different region of the country... People dont realize how different cultures are from region to region until they have spent a somewhat significant amount of time in another region...I have been having flashbacks recently... of my accident... I see these images in my mind of being caught in the wreckage, my body badly mangled and torn, yet it drifts off to something more peacful, something it took me a long time to remember... I am now remembering those images I had in those few moments of death... It was not a white light as everyone imagines it to be, but more like a collection of energy... I could here a billion different voices speaking to me at once, and no voice was the same... no message was the same... but they all came through crystal clear... like being in a crowded room and instead of hearing just one person voice and comprehending it, you hear the conversations of everyone in the room and can process it all, the last thing I remember hearing before I came to was "heal your mind and your body will follow, heal your mind and you can change the world" It has made me start listening to the little things...appreciating the little things, because if you dont those little things grow and change and what seems mundane can become ugly... lets call it a more posptive outlook on life... But I must sleep now I think i have said all that i needed to say to turn it off... send me on my way
